I think I *get* it now

I didn't before. I was trying to talk the talk, but always falling short. But, I get it. I get what I have to do. What this is all about.

I was apart of an online community (duh? Aren't you online now?yes, but I meant a site with a forum and guidelines) a few months (maybe more?) ago. A way to get people to react normally to food and feel better about themselves. It's not about losing weight. It's about being healthy with all aspects with yourself.

You start off by eating what you want. In front of people. Not necessarily giving into binges, but giving yourself permission to eat what you want. Then, recognize why you eat when you eat what you eat. Then it goes on from there (if you want the skinny I'll send you to their site). The whole point though is to realize that food is food. It holds no more power than that. Plain and simple. And, that self esteem and self worth have nothing to do with thinness or what you eat. To be proud of who you are for you. Now. The same message that many of you preach all the time. I agreed, shaking my head yes, standing up and cheering...but still felt badly when I over ate. Or when I ate "bad" things. I just got to the point where I would keep it inside locked away instead of visibly feeling bad.

I heard the words, but full understanding didn't happen until a day or two ago.
For me, the scales have been tipped. Finally. I heard the message one more time and I *got* it. That I am beautiful now. That I am enough. That I am smart. Nothing is riding on weight loss and getting healthier BESIDES losing some pounds and getting healthier. *I* won't change or it won't fix the things I'm unhappy about because they have nothing to do with losing weight. And, there's nothing to fix there. Yes, I'd like to nag less. I'd like to be more diligent. But, I'm not broken. I just have some stuff to work on.

I'd still like to lose weight for all the reasons I said before...to ward off cardiovascular problems, for stamina throughout the day, to buy clothes :) But, there is a real chance that I won't. After all, many people don't succeed in keeping it off. I've seen it myself with family members and friends...and the statistics are shocking. I think I'm ok with that. It's taken a while to think about and come to terms with. But, I've been this weight for a long time now. I'll be ok if I remain here. I've seen so many people struggle to lose weight and never really get there. Waiting for the weight to come off to live, but always obsessing and never REALLY enjoying life. I can't and won't do that any more. I will enjoy the things I am doing, what I'm eating, who I am. And be me.

I am introverted. I don't make friends easily (have a hard time finding people I can *really* trust). I'm ok with that. It's me, and the center of attention has never been my thing. Even if I got thinner, would that make me an extrovert? no. I'd be a thinner introvert who doesn't make friends easily, but has a great support system and people that care about her. Just.like.now. I would still be slightly neurotic. I'd still nag my hubby when he leaves things around the house. I would, and do, and it's me. I would still have my history, my life now, approximately the same future. Everything about my life would remain the same. I'd just have smaller clothes...and maybe more places to shop at.

I still want to eat healthier and exercise more. It makes me feel physically better. It gives me an outlet (exercise, not eating healthier :). I still want to *beef* up my veggie intake. I'm planning on eating less junk food. But, again, because I want to feel better. Get my energy up. Sleep better. But, if I want french fries, a hot dog (eew, I know, but yummy!), potato chips, dessert? I will have it. And, I don't give a rats behind what anybody thinks. Because I'm allowed to eat what I want. I'm allowed to make my own choices. I'm allowed to be me.