Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Howdy

Hi everyone. I know there won't be a lot of people reading of the bat, but I'm hoping to get a good support group going.

But, back to basices. Ah...the first post...there's just no way for me to be clever about this. Besides, I think clever about weight issues and emotional stuff comes after spilling your guts. So, here it goes. I don't plan on posting photos. At least not at this time. I started this blog to have some anonymity so that I can be completely honest with myself.


First off, hello. My name is Diana, and I'm a compulsive eater. I eat when I'm hungry, when I'm not, when I'm bored, when I'm upset, when I'm not. It's all the time. I'm only recently becoming aware of how bad I can get, and part of the problem is that there are issues that I'm not dealing with. This blog is to help keep me on track. Not by restricting my diet or insane exercise. This would really keep the power with food. My goal is to eat like a normal person. Whatever I want. Wouldn't this be freeing? :)

My stats. I just turned 30, I'm 5'7", of larger bone structure, and 220 lbs. This makes me at a minimum of 60 pounds over weight. I'm not worried about weight. I'm worried about what it represents and all the things my family has that I'm at risk for. High blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, heart attack, etc. My husband said last night that he worries, if I continue, that I'll die early on him. It is a concern of mine as well, so this is why I'm working on it. Plus, at a size 18 I'm in between all the fun clothes (too large for "normal" sizes and too small for the pretty plus sizes). It'd be awesome to shop anywhere and pick clothes based on look and still have a lot of options.

Another of the larger issues? I feel bad about myself. A tv show clued me into just how much I associate my weight with who I am. In case you're wondering, I watched "I can make you thin" from Discovery health. The last week (this past Sunday), Paul McKenna (spelling may be off, but he was the "host" and expert) asked people to close their eyes and see themselves through someone elses eyes. Someone who loves you. See the good qualitites they see. Try it now. Can you do it? Does it get a different reaction out of you than you expected? I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't think of one person who could look at me and not see me for the fat body parts I don't like. Sounds crazy? Yes. But, that's the joy of an eating disorder...things don't always make sense. By the way, this includes my husband of 1.2 years and my mother (who has passed...part of the problem), friends, dad, etc. After bawling on the couch for 15 minutes, I realized that if I couldn't think of a person, I'd see myself through my puppy's eyes. Funny, but she doesn't give a rats ass if I am 300 pounds as long as I cuddle with her (ok ,there's feeding, watering and going potty too).

Anyway, if you have these problems too...or just want to join in the discussions than come on board. I'm happy to share....and thanks for letting me :)

2 comments:

Lasserday said...

i can relate to much of what you say, and i sympathize. good luck in figuring out your stuff, i will be watching and cheering you on! :)

Dottie said...

I too am on the journey and have lots to lose. I can relate to what you've posted. I wish you luck and know you can do it!