Monday, June 30, 2008

HYC update.

Ok, I know 173 is generous...but I would be happy there. It's better than 220 like I was! And, if I want more loss once I reach that goal then I'll do more. To answer Amma, I have been trying the 10 pound incraments with no avail (since I started). I've tried everything to focus on just the 10 pounds, but it's not so much working. If y'all have suggestions I'd be thrilled to try them! I just can't trick my brain to think about the 10 pounds. c'est la vie I suppose.

What I need to do is go to the weight loss clinic at my dr.'s complex and get all of that...the "real" ideal weight with fat measurements, etc. The thing is, I'm just now getting a handle on my head about food. I know they'll want to restrict me in crazy ways, and I don't want to be obsessive about food again. I'm pretty much doing all I'm willing to do right now.

OH, yeah. So the Hyc update. I'm down to @ 205!! yay!!! (new button!!) I'm starting exercise again. I've missed it this past week. I'm almost freaked out that my loss is due to muscle loss and not fat loss. Doesn't matter I guess since I'm getting back on track. Eating: I bought lots of veggies (and some fruits...yum) this week so that I can try to get that on track (I've been skimping on the veggies...shameful I know!). Cauliflower, pea pods, tomatos of course, etc. That should help!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

ideal weight.

I realize that I'm not delicate flower (I'll never be a size 2...well, when I'm dead and gone for a while, but not while living), but I've been battling with what exactly I "should" weigh. Yes, I "should" be basing my progress by more than weight, but what an easy way to track it. If I'm truthful, then I'll admit that weight is more gratifying. It "shouldn't" be, but it is what it is.

I have yet to go to a doctor, but one web site told me that my ideal:

Ideal weight range is 158 - 173.8 lbs. (71.8 - 79 kg.).You are overweight by 35.2 lbs. (16 kg.).

Wow. 35.2 sounds like such a small amount. I'm 209 can it only be 35 lbs? They say someone who is 5'7" with a large frame will be in that range. Well, I think I'm setting that as my goal. If I hit it and I feel I need more, then I'll focus on that then. Yes, I did set small goals for myself, but they don't seem all that small when I know the big picture (50 more pounds). I don't know if I'll be happy at 173.8 (Like .8 counts when you have a dial scale), but I'm sure I'll feel better than I do now! So, bring on 173.8!!

So, for now, I'm setting my goal slightly closer. We'll worry about perfecting things later!

Dang. Looking at other charts, I think 163 is the upper limit for a large frame. Pooh on that. I think I'll "believe" the 173 and go from there later. (yes, I realize I'm being delusional. Sometimes a girl needs that.)

Saturday, June 28, 2008

woman's challange

The woman's challenge is just about over :( My route is done, but next week is the last week to log steps. I have to admit, I was heartbroken. Even though I haven't been able to exercise this week because I was sick, I've done so well. I seriously think this challenge is what kept me going. Silly, but because of it I worked out even on days I really, really, really didn't want to do it! (fortunately, most days I was good for it!). It pushed me to make sure 5 out of the 7 days I was working out. It made me want to get off the couch.

So, when I found out that they're continuing the program (only without the virtual route I think), I was excited. It's not the same as the challange, but it provides a space to log in and record your workouts. Yes, I could log here or on an spreadsheet, but it's not the same. It's not just for can join too! I just like it because it logs steps, but has conversion calculators that will transform most workouts (from calistetics, pilates, etc to yardwork). OH, and in case there's someone out there that could benifit, here is the activity link. We could even do a fun little challange. Like, maybe record steps and see how far (in real steps) it would take us to get from one location to another?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

End of hiatus

I've taken a bit of a hiatus while sick ,but I think I'm starting to feel good enough to get back on track. I'm at least going to start the food journal again. My weight has been all over the place this week. I know exercise affects that (non existant since I had a sinus infection and bronchitis going on), but my food has been all over the charts too. Somedays not enough calories, some days way to many. If I can't exercise properly (I'm guessing coughing and hacking is not productive when trying to do aerobics? Just a guess)....then I can at least be watchful of calories. Not that it's been bad, it's just not been watched properly.

This has nothing to do with dieting, but something that has been on my mind lately. Did I tell you that my hubby goes to school? Since he's medically retired from the military (just under a year now), he gets his school 100% paid for and gets a retirement check. It'd be silly not to go (says the PhD student who's in debt).

He's still having a hard time with several things. One big thing is finding a job/career/major that's intersting. Now, you can ask what he's good at or what he likes. I've done that too. The problem is that in his prior job he had a ton of friends he could litterally trust his life with (and did), and he had one of the most exciting (yet dangerous...hence the retired) jobs out there. Nothing in the civilian world seems to compare. It's been difficult for him to try to find things that keep his interst.

I asked my older family vets what they did, and it was manual labor (to keep the bills paid) and lots of drinking and/or drug use. That's so not the answer I was looking for. He can't become a police officer or anything like that (adrenaline junkies seem to go for these things), so that's out of the question too. I swear, I wish there was more that they could do for the soldiers to transition, but I guess there's not much that can be done. How do you find anything exciting when you've been blown up and shot at? How can anything compare?

Do any of you have experience with this? What do people do? Just plug along until life feels right again? I do think he's geting better. It's been a year after all. And, I trust that he'll find his way eventually. Things are getting set into motion that seem to be helping with that. For instance, he just got a job as an electrition apprentice. Not making much, but at least it's a start. He's not sure if this is the job for him, but at least it'll give him enough experience to see if it's something he wants to do. And, let us get ahead a little money wise. And, allow him to meet people (hopefully more like him than the 18 year olds he goes to school with) that he can get along with and hang out with.

My issue is that I love him...and seeing him struggle makes my heart hurt. I want to fix it. I want the take his frustration and sadness away. So, if you have ideas or suggestions I'd love to hear them.

Monday, June 23, 2008


I'm sick. Not terribly though...I can get out of bed, even if I don't want to. Therefore, short and sweet post.

Even after eating a little bit of bad foods this week, I still lost 1-2 pounds (no digital scale, weight fluxers anyway). Every day but Saturday though I made sure to compensate by eating better the rest of the day and still staying within 1800 (my manageable calories...I usually did 1500) and lower than 30% fat. I've decided that I need bad foods once in a while. The health food starts to get to me after a while and I feel deprived if I don't.

I'm going to the doc now...a little antibiotic and I'll be good as new.


I'm back from the doctor. Why is it that their scale is different from mine by 5 pounds? Maybe my scale is wrong...and I was so happy with weighing 207-208. Oh, well. I guess I need to add 5 pounds to my weight every time :(

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Food and exercise

I've been working hard and trying to stay on track. It's really difficult to not eat bad foods...but wow...the new blog (link -->) just about counting calories really helps! I've managed to not "cheat"...and it's been difficult. I even went out to eat today and didn't get bad foods. And, this is to a place that I usually have the WORST foods. One drawback...I've found out that my healthy quesadilla I eat at home all the time actually has more fat grams than I realized. This is why counting really can help. It's something I really need right least until I stop craving bad foods from the golden arches!

I need to shake up my foods. I'm just trying to stay within 1800 calories for the day with 30% fat or less (so @ 60g of fat). Does anyone have any really great recipies or food ideas that are healthy but oh so good? Mine is from the WW cookbook.
Take white (or any kind really) onions and 3 bell peppers (I like to have yellow and orange) cut into strips and sautee them with chicken stalk. Add hot italian turkey sausage until cooked through. Add garlic and you'll be good to go (it calls for crushed red hot peppers, but it's too hot for me that way!). Super easy, and super yuuuuuumy.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My personal cheerleader

I'm having bad craving issues lately. Sometimes I give in (see yesterday's post) and sometimes not. I thought I had this kicked, but as I've said before...I think I may struggle with this for a long, long time. They say alcoholics never recover...I'm just hoping this isn't the same! I figure, for now, meal by meal will have to do. I didn't get here the easy way, I suppose I won't get out of it any easier. I almost went to the golden arches to get biscuits and gravy. It took some convincing on my part, but for breakfast at least I over-rode that voice that nags and nags in your head: you know you want it, what's one little meal going to hurt. If it stopped at the one meal I'd be ok. But, I don't. So, I had cereal. And, I know I feel better than I would have with the heavy, fatty breakfast.

On a different note (or really the same one), like others who read her blog, I've been inspired by lasserday. If you haven't read her blog, then check it out (especially the I'm married series). She did what all of us say we're going to do: she made a committment to herself to stop being mean and start being supportive. She made a ceremonial committment (ring included) to herself to love, honor and cherish herself. What a great idea! The ceremony itself is more than I would do, but years ago I bought myself a ring. Not a dimond ring, but a ring to remind me that I didn't need a loser boyfriend to give me things I want and need. I can do that myself. Why didn't I honor that? Why are we so harsh on ourselves? Why all the guilt and self doubt? If our inner voices were friends or boyfriends, we would have dumped our asses a long time ago. Yet, we still continue to being our worst enemies. I had one of those yesterday...the hubby and I are having all sorts of issues lately (really, since we got married a year and a half'd take too long to get into all of it), and I've been doubting just about everything I do and not feeling good enough for any of it lately. Feeling not very good about myself to say the least. But, really...there is so much worse out there to worry about. And, if I'm not my own best friend, cheerleader, etc...who will be? You know the old saying: the only person you can count on is you. I can't say I can always truely count on do what makes me healthy and long term happy instead of momentarily happy, to be positive and supportive, to make me enjoy my one life that I have. Well, maybe we all should start counting on ourselves to be our own cheerleaders, best friends, supporters, etc. From now on I'm going to make an active effort to try to be the supportive person I need in my life! I hope you make the committement to be that for yourself too.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


It's a rough day for me (my mom's 1 year), but I'm ok. I just miss her. I'm actually grateful for today. I would not have wanted her to suffer for longer (she couldn't eat or drink anything for the month before). I was just thinking about it though, and it may explain the past week. I have to catch these things sooner for sure.

I'm the same, same, same. I sabbotaged myself again. Is it possible to make a seperate page on blogger where I can post what I'm eating? I know that the burger and fries yesterday afternoon and fried chicken and mac and cheese last night were not good. But, I think it was the almost bag of potato chips and dip I ate by myself on Sunday that really got to me (yes, there were also cheeseburgers). I'd like to have it online (maybe as a seperate blog...hmmm) so that I'm a little more accountable. I think seeing the number of calories would help nip it in the butt. Bud?

I did see good NSVs...I told you about my mom's ring, and my pants and shirts are fitting better. OOOH, and my butt is getting firm. I must've looked rediculous to my hubby when I was feeling my butt all day Sunday (that's when I noticed!). Heehee.
I've been doing either 60 run/120 jog on the eliptical with weights or I'll do the fit to strip videos. It/she has a great 30 minute calistetic type video that works your butt out like no other. I did the hip hop this did it twice for 40 minutes. I don't feel sexier yet (I doubt I like like Carmen...maybe a floppy/uncoordinated/unflexible version), but I do feel stronger and a little more flexible. And, my hubby said the other day that he noticed that I look thinner. So, this week will be a new one...filled with calorie counting and being honest with myself.

Monday, June 16, 2008

10 Questions

In lieu of a "real" post, I decided to steal the questions from Ready to Shrink. Here it goes!

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was 20 years old, living in Grand Rapids, MI going to GVSU. I was with an ex of mine...we won't even go there.

2. What are 5 things on your To-Do List?
Finish my thesis/quals/disseration/graduate/get a "real" job
clean the house
win a million dollars
fit into a size 6
Make my hubby happy

3. Name some snacks that you enjoy:
tapioca* pudding (just switched from low fat to no fat low sugar...we'll see), strawberries (or any fruit besides any melons for that matter), I'm with RTS for sure too...chips** and salsa are my favorite. I also am getting into ranch rice cakes. They're not bad :)

4. What would you do if you were a billionaire?
Pay off all my debt (student loans for PhD school after 6 years in undergrad and 3 years in masters = yowie!!); Give my dad money (in laws too) so that they don't have to worry about anything again; take a family vacation; Put money away; buy/build a house with 20+ acres in a more liberal area; Finish my PhD; hire a maid and a chef (most important :); maybe help some friends with their debt (if my hubby will let me...we won't go there either)

3. Bad habits you have?
I swear all the time and I have road rage. Oh, and unfortunately I blame my hubby for misplacing things, even when it's not his fault. In my defense, he is to blame @ 75-85% of the time!

6. Name 5 places that you've lived.
Wilson, MI; Gladstone, MI; Marquette, MI ; Wyoming, MI; (10 points if you know where any of the prior cities are!) and the current conservative town in TX. The hubby and I stayed in Newport News (Ft. Eustis), VA for a month and a week(him longer, but me with him for that). Does that count?

7. Name 5 jobs you've had.
Hostess, waitress, bartender, sales associate, college instructor (teaching assistant)

8. What is currently playing on your IPOD?
Lots of stuff. Here's five: Dixie Chicks, Rascal Flatts, Alicia Keys, Freaky Friday Soundtrack, Sublime.

9. List the last 5 books you've read:
It's been a while since I've read more than text books or articles. I really like Anne Rice or Dan Brown or Micheal Crichton. I also read the harry potter series. Still. Because I like to re-read it. Hey, it's simple and easy to follow...and I like that since school is hard enough.

10. Who do you want to tag? I don't tag, but anyone that's interested in doing it just leave a comment letting me know you did :)
*updated: Yes, if you were reading before it did say tilapia pudding. Doesn't that sound good. (sarcasm doesn't reach through the computer, right?)
**updated: I also said that I liked "ships" and salsa. Man, I need a proof reader! I should definately write it in word. You'd never guess that I teach a writing intensive course, huh?

Friday, June 13, 2008

Friday the 13th

Thanks for all the good words about my mom's ring. It was the best NSV, and one that I didn't expect so soon. But, it has kicked my exercise and conscious eating into full gear. And, made me more aware of how much water I am (not) drinking. I cheated, like I always do, and the scale should be down on Tuesday. We'll see though...that dang thing likes to trick me sometimes!

So, friday the 13th :) I don't believe in all the superstitous stuff. But, I enjoy days like this (halloween favorite holiday). It adds to the mystery of life and the fun of scary movies!! I'm sure it's an adrenaline thing, but I can't get enough of them...except right before bed. That's always a bad idea...I'm a brave little wimp. Zombie movies are my favorite most of the time., but I like the thriller ones too. Are any of you out there fellow scary movie fans? What are your favories, or for you out there that don't like them...what ones won't you see again?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The ring

I don't know that I've talking about it before, but my mom passed away last year from her battle with ovarian cancer. I was really close to her...and miss her dearly. The day of the funeral, my dad suprised me by asking if I'd like to have her wedding ring. He gave me her other jewels, but this one meant so much more. I have a bio father, but this ring was with her and the man that deserves the title Dad. I haven't been able to put it on though since I've gotten it...and it's the one piece of jewelry I really wanted to wear. And, I wouldn't/coudln't alter it. It's like a piece of her. Well, today I was able to wear it...even in the 104 degree temps! If nothing else...if I fail at the rest of the weight loss stuff and remain at this weight...I will still be so grateful for this.. More so than I can ever explain.

So, today was a day of celebrating...for getting a little piece of my best friend back.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I'm about the same everywhere (weight, I think inches, etc.). Hey, it's not gaining! I know I've lost inches at least in my legs (wearing pants I coudln't before), but I can't bring myself to try on the 16s. I will continue to do the working out like I have been (5-7 days/week of enough cardio and weights to be equivalent to 10000 steps). I've been kicking butt on that one :) My probem area is food still. I'm thinking it'll be a life long struggle that I'll have to keep in check. Have any of you fellow compulsive eaters ever really gotten over it?
But, I bought food last night that is more on track with what I had before...and removed the food I tend to gorge on or is bad for me. I'm still not going to be as strict as a diet, but I need to say no more.

So, I asked a question on the last post that I'll repeat because I really want to hear what y'all do :) What do you do during the "slump" time to either keep or re-motivate yourself to keep on chugging along instead of giving in to temptation? I had hit a major slump where I was eating bad foods again and not as many veggies. And over eating. I'm not quite out of slump time yet, but the light is getting brighter at the end of the tunnel.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Fast food goodness

I almost broke down and had fast food. It wasn't enough that I had pizza last night, but fast food in the a.m.!!! That's way back to bad, old habbits. Ugh. The thing is...I'm not sure that if I hadn't found a good parking spot I would have been good. I was already thinking: If I have to walk, then I may as well have yummy stuff to eat with me to console. Sad, I know. And, thank goodness for having an office where I stash healthier foods. The oatmeal saved my butt (literally :)

I know there are quite a few of us having slumps right now. What kind of stuff do y'all do to make yourself more motivated to keep on track? The Woman's challenge keeps me going for exercise, but I haven't found anything to keep all meals on track yet. Sometimes the mantra helps, sometimes the smaller clothes, but sometimes I give in lately.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Shout it on the roof tops

I've discovered that I don't really want to talk about any of this (losing weight) to anyone except to y'all. My hubby told his family. Just talking to them like normal and mentioned it. They're all working on themselves too, so I should feel comforted in them knowing and being able to talk about it with family. I felt like he betrayed me. It was as if someone had outed me as gay. I know it's irrational, but it's how I felt.

The question is why? Part of me feels like I don't want people to think that I'm on a diet. Diet is something so negative and restrictive. I don't want it to be a big deal. I eat whatever I want, I'm just trying to chose better foods and make more conscious choices. I gained weight without talking about it with everyone. Why should I need to talk about it with these people?

BUT, I think there's more to it. I think a big part of it is that I'm afraid I'll fail. It still feels new, and I haven't been losing weight like I'd want to. If I fail then it was all said for nothing. I know it's hard to fail when you're not on a program, but when people are told that you're eating better and working it then it seems like it is a "diet" and a program. (besides that it's how he told people...she's on a's been a while working on him to get rid of the word diet). They don't really understand. And, I'm kind of ashamed that I struggle so much with it...that there's something wrong with me. This is more then losing weight for's something so vulnerable and personal that I can't bear to talk to people I see face to face about it. It's an emotional experience for me, and the fact that I have an eating disorder is something I'm ashamed of. I know I *shouldn't* be ashamed, but I am. Given our society and their perception of over weight people, I'm sure you know what I mean.

I don't know how to get around this except to face it and get over myself. I'm working hard to make myself better, so why should I be ashamed? And, why shouldn't he talk about it with them? I talk about it with him all the time. I tell him about y'all, I make him watch the losing show on the health channel, I talk about my struggles. It's a major focus of my life right now...and isn't that what family is for? To share your lives? So, I guess I'm going to talk to talk about it with the people in my life. Now I can get support from people I know. Doesn't that sound good? :)

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

keeping on track

The hubby's a traitor. "I want fried chicken" he says last night. So we got fried chicken. Excuse the tmi, but it was what I wanted to during the moon's revenge (aka pms...or ms actually). In his defense, he hurt himself and wanted "good" food for a change.

I keep things private in case people I know (aka students) find my blog by accident and don't know who I am. But, I've been here long enough that I need to share our story and how it relates to what I'm going through. I need to talk this through, so excuse the long post.

My hubby. He's medically retired from the army at the age of 26. This means that he's "disabled". In fact, we've been told that there's a real chance he can be considered unemployable by the VA. To add insult, his bad knee gave way and he landed on it...and may have torn ligaments and need surgery. He can't get around except on scooters and crutches. Imagine the looks a 26 year old gets from people and you can see his frustration. Not that this makes him unsupportive, but I think it warrents a pitty party for a few days.

I also should explain that I'm a graduate student in Psychology. I'm not training to be a therapist, so please don't ask for dream analysis or how you should solve some life problem. I have problems of my own and after years of this, I usually just tell people they're crazy and leave it at that :) Anyway, this means that I teach classes, take classes, and have tremendous stress with research (and little money on top of it all).

Now, if I was stronger, or should I say had better behaviors in place, none of it would make a damn bit of difference. But, I just want to do everything for him and have a hard time not babying him. Imagine how that's been making him feel. I also have a tendancy to have the world stop when there's a crisis, or even semi-crisis. I think it's an entitled thing. I've been justifying all of this in my head...well, not even justifying. It was just expected. Crap goes down and I get a break from life. Like the world stops. The past few days I've forgotten my own mantra. "I don't deserve the day off and to eat bad food. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I deserve to fight for my health." The world doesn't stop because I'm stressed. The fat I'm eating doesn't take a hiatus because I need comfort food. I don't need to have a pity party myself...I'm a lucky person to have what I have (working toward my dream job, wonderful husband, great baby doggie, good friends and family, a roof over my head, enough money for food, etc.). Like everyone doesn't have a story like mine to tell. We all have sorrow storries, but it's what we do with our lives and how we cope that matters.

Funny how writing it all out puts it into perspective. At least I'm catching all of this before it went on too long. This is why blogging is great.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


This post is short and sweet. I'll leave details and questions for another day.
Weight: I am around the same. I fit into a little smaller clothes, but I won't be trying on the 16s until next weekend at least. I don't think I will fit quite yet, and I want to be able to buy them if I do :)
I had the same problem as some of y'all out there. I was losing weight in a great way, then got cocky and started slacking. OH, I can have just a little of this. And a little of that. Pretty soon a lot of my prior behaviors are coming back. The only thing that saved my butt was that I'm exercising every day. SOOO, I will continue to exercise ('s working well :), but I'm going to start keeping a food journal for the next week. I won't bore you with the details, but I'm enlisting my hubby so that I don't have fried tortilla chips and salsa for all meals. I'm guessing that's bad.