Friday, January 30, 2009


This is a fake update. I just realized that I haven't posted since Monday! I guess I've only been replying to other people's posts. I'm just exhuasted (too much work and up way way way too early this morning). Must nap or sleep or veg. Will update later.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Grocery lessons

Things I learned at the grocery store this weekend:

1. I can't get out of that place in under 20 minutes. Impossible.

2. They have some weird produce out there. Down right scary. Weird people too.

3. Mini egglplants are my new love. Hate the bitter biggies? Not a problem with the minis (ok - my rhyming quota for the week has been fullfilled :)

4. Healthy food isn't as expensive as I thought! Picking the right items (veggies) made it so that I bought more for less money. Who knew?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Food issues

There are a lot of us struggling with food. Unhealthy thoughts and focus on it. I never realized before just how many of us there were. It makes me more than a little sad, but at least everyone is speaking out more and we know we're not alone!

Not giving into food, as you can imagine, is difficult. I think about food quite often, but it's getting a little easier already. I've discovered that doing calming exercises (especially breathing) and remdining myself (constantly) that I don't need it if I'm not hungry is really helping. Every once in a while I am panicked and have more focus, but really it's the only thing that happens. Nothing more. The walls don't come down. The earth doesn't shatter. I just don't eat and need to find other things to do. It's kind of freeing, but it hasn't been perfect. I have a long way to go. But, I'm not stuffing my face in a mindless way. One meal at a time though - nothing more. It makes it seem more do-able.

Switch of topics....does anyone know how to cook miniature eggplant? Is it different from the bigger version in any other way than size? I got 5 of them for a dollar - but it doesn't help if you don't know how to cook them :)

Friday, January 23, 2009

Getting my head together

Hi guys and gals. I know I haven't been posting lately - and I was doing it every day. I've had a lot going on, but also am trying to get my head back together. It's been difficult to articulate what's been going on with me lately - part of why I've been away. I want things to happen (like be healthy). I want to be a good girl. I want to have things working for me and have it easy. I want to be like some of my friends where they don't rely on food.

I find myself wondering lately what makes addiction so different for everyone. What makes me be able to stay away from alcohol - even though it has the same effect on me? I'm not one of those crazy people that doesn't like to drink. Like I imagine most alcoholics feel, it makes me feel loopy. It still takes my worries away. It still feels really good. I like it. But, I don't have a desire to drink often. I'd say about once a month I have a drink. Maybe less. I don't have any idea why - I just don't have the desire to drink. I've had a bottle of wine and champagne since new years, but I never felt like drinking them so I didn't. My alcohol is food. Mine is eating. And it seems impossible to change.

It's kind of funny how things work. The mental blocks in your way - it feels like there's something real in my way. A a brick wall standing in front of me. Yet, it's really only me in my way. My mind telling me I can't do it or that I can do it tomorrow. It's the same problem I've had all along. Finding other solutions to things besides eating, eating yummy food and not over doing it, ignoring the little voice that says: it's just one more helping or it's just a bit of chips and salsa or it's just one meal thats bad and you'll change. You can be good after just one more.

I want to know how sucessful people do it. What gets them over the problem times. How do they shut off the voices? How does "just do it" happen...permenantly.

Maybe the key is having small goals. Smaller than I thought before. Alcoholics take it one day at a time. One day still seems big to me - I've tried the one day before and then I crack and eat my weight in popcorn. Yeah, you know how much 220 lbs of popcorn is? A lot. Well, maybe the key for me is just one meal or one snack at a time. If I can just get through this one meal eating healthier foods then I'll be ok. Maybe it will work just like the negative does. It will add up. I do the same thing on road trips. If I just get to X city then I'm doing good. Or, in my very long education - if I just finish this research project or this paper, then I'll be ok. Before you know it, you're there and it wasn't so bad because you focused on just one piece.
I just have to add, I love these little epiphanies during a post. When you start writing and don't know the solution or where it will go until you've finished. That's what happened to me with this post. So, thanks for being my sounding board.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I did an ok job - WAY better than I thought I would have! Cookes - my hubby ate his 3 boxes already (OH, why do guys get to eat the bad foods and not baloon up?), I had a little less than 1 box all together. I'm pretty proud of myself! It equates to about 4 cookes/day.

Can't say that about the rest of my food, but I'm working on it. Small steps for now. I think we're going to incorporate salads 1/2 before dinner as to not gorge. Last night it worked, but I need a new salad dressing. Not rocking the low calorie red wine vinegarette...I thought the packets would work good with school, but it only works if you want to eat it! I need to switch back to the light greek vinegerrette - yum! Do you have an light dressings you've found that are good tasting?

Friday, January 16, 2009

To the cookie gods

Since I got my girlscout cookes today, I've only eaten 3. Please let it remain that way!

P.S., couldn't you have made them taste a little less yummy?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Turn of events

I am so excited/relievede I just had to tell y'all - I finally found my keys this morning! What's the big deal? Well, they open up the Psychology building after hours, my office (that I share with 1 other person and has a professor's computer in it), 2 of my professor's labs, along with my classroom door that I teach in. OH, and it had my jump drive on it that had, among other things, names and grades for my students last semester and personal pictures. Yeah, I'm feeling relieved to say the least. I thought, especially after 10 ish days of not knowing where they were, that they were a gonner. They key gods did not poop on me like I thought they did! Note to self, connect them to my car keys and DO NOT TAKE THEM OFF.

Other things are going ok. The hubby and I have been doing really good since the move, and my class seems to be a good group of people. I have been exercising more than usual (Tae Bo & walking with my friend), and walking from my parking lot on the street to my office (@ 6 blocks each way). But my food has been, well, not up to par at all. Just all things I need to work on. I will always have stress - so STOP using it as an excuse already, right (in a non self critical sort of way :)! So, I plan to eat out less and eat colorful food more (you know, the kind that comes from a plant and has little done to it after being picked!)...unless I win the lotto tonight that is - then I'll eat the color stuff but I can't guarantee I'll be cooking it ;)

Friday, January 9, 2009

Mixed Emotions

Did you know that researchers debate about mixed emotions (e.g., happy and sad about something)? You know you feel both together about some topics...that's a no brainer. It's how it happens - truely together or flip flopping. Can you truely feel happy and sad at the same time? Or, is it that you switch between the two and not truely feel them simlutaneously...even if it's between seconds that the flip occurs? For example, watching the little mermaid (don't laugh, they use this for rearch :)...when Ariel becomes human - you're happy for her because she gets the guy, but sad for her also because she leaves daddy. But is it truely at the same, exact time?
I think I solved the problem. I think I can prove, once and for all, that emotions are truely simultaneous. I both love and hate Billy Blanks (Tae Bo) right about now. Truely simultaneously :)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Work to do

So much for my "resolution" to be nicer to myself! I was thinking this morning about what you all said (and this afternoon hit the message home for sure)...I guess I still have work to do in the be nice to myself department. It's funny how you can be your own worst critic, yet I would never think that about other people. It's like an anorexic that can see that other people are thin or that they look good at a healthy weight, but that see themselves as fat. In fact, SeaBreeze was right - if I heard any one of you say something like that to yourself I'd be upset.

It's something I'm trying to work on. It was just such a shock to see that pic - it's not what I thought I looked like at all. I forgot all the things I believe about others and tell myself all the time. I know it's not the worst position to be in. There are a lot of people that would kill to be where I'm at. It seems selfish and unsensative to think that way, doesn't it? When there's people that would be ecstatic to look like I do.

I guess this will have to work hard on being healthier in all ways, not just physically.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Holiday Picture Nightmare

How is it that we can focus and talk about getting healthier all day long and still be in denial? How can we ignore everything? I talked about it before - many times - so many I'm exhausted with it...yet I was still slapped in the face with the picture I'm using for my profile. Go look now.

Notice how the belly makes me look pregnant. Notice how it rounds out. See the large arms?What about the chin that shouldn't slope at an angle for a transition instead of seperation of neck and chin. That's what I's the weight that has creeped up again over the past few months. It's one thing to know you need to lose weight. Let's face it, no woman should weight 218 lbs. Well, maybe women at this site, but not one that is 5'7"! But, it's another thing to have a picture send you back to reality. This is why avoiding pictures is bad. It lets you ignore all the signs that say "hey, stupid, you are not putting good things in your mouth!" Food, not other things, you dirty minded people ;)
Something else just happened too. My 2nd pair of pants in the past few months just split. I wear them down between the thighs, and it split tonight. Thank goodness it wasn't in front of my class! I would have been mortified. In my defense I was only wearing 3 pairs b/c I kept hoping to lose the weight again. But, it's still embarassing.

Stop freaking out you say? Ok. I guess I should let it motivate me to change. I will turn it into a positive. I will change my habits before I'm buying plus sizes again. I can do this.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

HYC 1 for 09

In the panic I almost forgot about the HYC! What panic you ask? With moving our stuff around I lost the thumb drive that held the only copy of my only syllabus for the class I teach on Thursday. Back up? Yeah, no. There's more though...they were attached to my school keys: office, labs, classroom. Ugh. It was the day we moved our living room around while settling into our new place (long story) so I'm hoping that they are here somewhere random and we can have a good laugh about it someday. Are there key gods that I can make an offering to?

Ok, so HYC - I need to get back into things and be held more accountable. As the woman's challenge doesn't start again until May, I was left hanging until Manda decided to have a challange! It's to lose 31 pounds by the end of March (see link to the side) to win an ice cream gift certificate (Baskin Robins apparently has some new healthier lines out). I doubt I will win as it's 12 weeks, and 2 lbs a week is 24 pounds, but I will have fun trying!

I hate to admit it, but I'm starting @ 218 lbs. Up from the lowest last year, but that's ok. I want to be honest with myself.