Saturday, April 19, 2008

wagon, wagon, where are you?

So, I was doing well until Thursday afternoon. Then things went to/in/into (?) the pot. I had more than I should have. Posted too soon I suppose. Today? I just need to try to make better decisions. It's weird. Usually I'd be giving up around now saying: "I'm such a loser, I might as well eat what I want since I don't have the will power to stick with being healthier. What's the point?"

It's not that I wasn't tempted by the "crazed" talking. Do you know that talk? Where your head screws with you and tells you that you want to gorge. It's like cartoons: the devil is on your shoulder and man, does he sound good. This morning the nachos and quesadilla stuff was calling my name. I figure, though, that even if I do give in it really isn't life shattering. It's not sinful, or the devil's work (I don't even believe in that anyway). It's better for me than going out to eat and WAY better than I was eating before. If I want to lose 20 pounds (or even the first 10), it doens't have to be with big changes and it's not life shattering if I fall off the wagon when I don't have one in the first place. Kind of freeing. So, this morning? I had eggs with cheese and bacon. Diet food? Hell no. Better than I was eating? Hell yes!!! So, this morning started off good.

You know what's the weirdest thing? I mean besides that I need to have these dialogs with myself!! Thinking like this takes all the guilt off. I had a little guilt last night when I was talking to my hubby, but we both agreed that it wasn't a big deal and maybe we could go for a walk today together (with the doggie...she's been missing it the last couple days). I had good food, but if I want to I can make better choices today without stipulations. It sounds stupid, but it feels freeing. The big thing: the quesadilla will be there for lunch. And it'll be good. I don't need to eat it all now.


Anonymous said...

Hi! thanks so much for the comment on my last post! i had saved your blog on my home computer and then since i usually check at work i haven't been reading! that is fixed now! you are one of my blog buddies!

i am actually a tech in my lab but the frustration is the same, i suppose.

i am so impressed with your last days! it sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself! i read a book on intuitive eating and that really helped me with the whole guilt thing....they say that eating is a morally neutral sometimes i repeat that to myself. :) it can be hard to remember in this diet culture. i am so excited to watch what you learn!