Friday, January 23, 2009

Getting my head together

Hi guys and gals. I know I haven't been posting lately - and I was doing it every day. I've had a lot going on, but also am trying to get my head back together. It's been difficult to articulate what's been going on with me lately - part of why I've been away. I want things to happen (like be healthy). I want to be a good girl. I want to have things working for me and have it easy. I want to be like some of my friends where they don't rely on food.

I find myself wondering lately what makes addiction so different for everyone. What makes me be able to stay away from alcohol - even though it has the same effect on me? I'm not one of those crazy people that doesn't like to drink. Like I imagine most alcoholics feel, it makes me feel loopy. It still takes my worries away. It still feels really good. I like it. But, I don't have a desire to drink often. I'd say about once a month I have a drink. Maybe less. I don't have any idea why - I just don't have the desire to drink. I've had a bottle of wine and champagne since new years, but I never felt like drinking them so I didn't. My alcohol is food. Mine is eating. And it seems impossible to change.

It's kind of funny how things work. The mental blocks in your way - it feels like there's something real in my way. A a brick wall standing in front of me. Yet, it's really only me in my way. My mind telling me I can't do it or that I can do it tomorrow. It's the same problem I've had all along. Finding other solutions to things besides eating, eating yummy food and not over doing it, ignoring the little voice that says: it's just one more helping or it's just a bit of chips and salsa or it's just one meal thats bad and you'll change. You can be good after just one more.

I want to know how sucessful people do it. What gets them over the problem times. How do they shut off the voices? How does "just do it" happen...permenantly.

Maybe the key is having small goals. Smaller than I thought before. Alcoholics take it one day at a time. One day still seems big to me - I've tried the one day before and then I crack and eat my weight in popcorn. Yeah, you know how much 220 lbs of popcorn is? A lot. Well, maybe the key for me is just one meal or one snack at a time. If I can just get through this one meal eating healthier foods then I'll be ok. Maybe it will work just like the negative does. It will add up. I do the same thing on road trips. If I just get to X city then I'm doing good. Or, in my very long education - if I just finish this research project or this paper, then I'll be ok. Before you know it, you're there and it wasn't so bad because you focused on just one piece.
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I just have to add, I love these little epiphanies during a post. When you start writing and don't know the solution or where it will go until you've finished. That's what happened to me with this post. So, thanks for being my sounding board.

5 comments:

Dr. Wifey said...

food is my addiction also. i was doing so well for a while. then i completely fell off the wagon and just can't seem to jump back on. maybe i should take it one day at a time. great post!

Natalia said...

Great post and I know what your talking about. I just feel like I need to change directions and focus on the feelings and emotions that are leading me to eat. The food is filling up a void in my life I just need to figure out what! :)

MizFit said...

I read this before...was mulling...and saw a friend today who is struggling and kept saying/lamenting the fact that with her addiction (food) shes expected to do just a little every single day.

and stick with just a little.

so hard.

Miz.

Lasserday said...

hi, i am back and just wanted to say hi and that i know you will figure it out. i know we all will. :)

Tom Rooney said...

Usually in order to replace one habit, you'll need another. What do you like to do that doesn't involve food and do more of that. As an examples, if it's teaching kids, then look for a time to tudor kids at night.

You know what I mean?