Thursday, July 24, 2008

Big whiney post

Warning: big whining baby venting about non-weight loss about to happen.

I have a knack of getting friends where the relationship is mostly one sided. They tend to be relationships where I make more effort to be together or end up helping much, much more then they do. It's probably the reason why I'm reluctant to make new friends. And, I don't like fake, backstabbers, but that's a whole different post.

I have a "friend" that is mad at me for not being their personal chauffer. Granted, this friend is in the hospital, so I understand the vulnerable position. But, they're mad that I did not answer my phone last night because they needed to tell their doctor early in the morning that they did or did not have a ride in order to be released. I had personal reasons of my own for turning off my phone. I doubt that would matter though.

I need to explain some things, more for my own peace of mind and to calm me down then anything else. I said some time back (to this person) that I would help if they needed it. But, I assummed that our friendship was 2 sided and that I had a good friend that had my back. I have almost never had this person help me out in the past 3 years (almost 4). Even when I ask small things, which would take 15 minutes out of their time that I know they have, it's too inconvienent. They actually said it was too far out of their way. This problem has been most of our relationship, but especially bad in the past 6 months to a year. In fact, this person cannot even take 30-60 minutes out of their day to have lunch or dinner (it's not due to busyness either...yes, I do know this for sure). Even when I'm willing to drive the 20 minutes to their side of town. Or to cover for me or help me out when they specifially said they would. When they do agree to do something, every time they've backing out at the last minute. I got used to this, so I finally stopped asking.

What have I done for them you ask? I have driven them to the doctor for minor and not so minor proceedures about 4 times in the last 3 months. It takes about 2-6 hours out of my day each time, and no gas is not reembersed. I barely get a thank you. It's just expected. I also spent an hour copying documents for them because they didn't want to come to school. I also have brought them department mail when they asked. I didn't mind these things so much when we lived next to each other and the relationship was more reciprical. And, I don't mind helping a friend in need. It makes me feel better knowing I can help. I just get tired of feeling like it's my obligation to push everything aside. I do mind now. Do I say anything though? No.

My husband gets mad at me about it too. But, I can't, wait, more like I won't say no. I'm a sucker for people in need. I just silently resent it and try to put on a good face. I won't have to worry about it for a while since this particular "friend" is moving. I just don't know how to break the cycle. I've had other friends where we had a fabulous time together, but I always had to go to them and make the initiative. This is how the bio father was. I was expected to call him (even at the age of 11), because he was too busy. I believe(d) him when he said he loved me, but I'm tired of people not making the effort that they expect me to make. Are we forever destined to have relationships that reflect our parental relationships? Why can't I have ones like me and my mom?


new*me said...

i used to have a big problem with "no" as well. Now, I learn to pick and choose. My friends know I am not a push-over anymore and I set priorities. You need to make YOU #1 on the list.

Irish Mom said...

I have the same problem. I think some people are opportunistic and see when a relationship benefits them, esp without giving anything back. They know a nice, kind person and prey on that.
I have a neighbor who is a single mom who feels people on the block should do everything for her because she is alone. Right down to shoveling her snow!! She even hinted I should watch her son since I am home most days, she wanted to send her son to the babysitters when I worked, then my house (for free of course) when I was off. Thats when I ended the relationship.

Giyen said...

Hi! Just found your blog through scalejunkie. Nice to meet others who are battling the same demons!


Anonymous said...

I'm definitely feeling this post. I too do much more for others than I get back. I take that extra step & end up hurt when they don't reciprocate. I finally had to stop. Last month I changed my phone & cell#. For three weeks, I contacted no one (only close family & friends). I found true friends sent an email or a letter. Some stopped by to check on me. I have dropped the ones who would call every other day for ME to do something for THEM, but didn't reach out when I wasn't reachable. Time to take control of who I let in my life!