working out

I've gotten to love how I feel after working out. My blood is pumping, I breathe easier, not to mention fitting into cuter clothes :) I just feel great. The problem (don't I alwyas have one...hehe): every minute I'm on the eliptical machine I feel tortured. It didn't start out that way, it's just something that's developed the past couple times. I loved it before. It's the best fast pace cardio I can do, but still easy on my joints. But, I loath every second right now. I'm excited before hand and definately afterwards, but not during. I can do weights, I can walk (fast pace) to my heart's content and be sad when it's done, but cardio machines are torture to me. I've tried watching tv, listening to my ipod, not looking at the clock...all to no avail. The only thing I remember working is going to my school's gym where they have tvs and head phones on each machine. Fancy, huh? :) I don't know why that makes a difference, but somehow it does.

What do you all do to get your blood pumping and semi-quickly pass the time? I want to increase my time on the machine (from 30), but I can hardly stand the time I'm on it now. If I don't find a solution soon I'll have to go to school again!! And, who wants to use public showers? Gross.

Reflections

Thanks for the support guys! I really feel like things are clicking, which is awesome. I can fit into old clothes now...what encouragement, huh? I think I figured out the magical miracle cure to losing weight. Eating healthier and exercise. Who would've known? Oh, yeah...all the healthy people out there. And doctors. And, really, we knew it all along, didn't we?

The thing is, I've been wondering lately. What makes, no made us sit in our miserableness for so long? Why was this so hard before? I feel like I was in a coma. Actually, it was a sugar and carb coma. Every day, when I wasn't at school teaching or taking courses, me and the hubby would sit in front of the tv. I would eat constantly. And, let me tell you, the constant focus on food was SOOO tiring. I was mentally exhausted from it. Yet, I couldn't stop. I used to feel horrible (irritated, out of my mind, etc.) if I didn't get food on a regular basis. When I got rumbly hungry I'd get so head spinning, out of control. God forbid I ate healthier food. It just didn't seem to fill me up. It was such a strong response, I thought I had low blood sugar or something. It had to be a physiological thing, right? Well, apparently not. I'm in graduate school in psychology. I should know the power of the mind. But, this thing totally fooled me. I was double crossed by my obsession. In many ways.

My husband is medically retired army. One of my best friends, who has struggled with weight and eating disorders too (although more anorexia and bulemia), is seeing a guy in the marines. Now, maybe it's a military thing, or maybe it's a guy thing or a fit person thing, but regardless... She had a similar experience as me: they were sympathetic to a point, then it was "you just need to buck up and do it. Stop the excuses if you want to get it done." It's really that easy? It seems so now, but before it didn't. It was : they don't understand. How can they be that cruel? Don't they have compassion. But, they were right. everything I was experiencing was in my mind. I was holding me back, not a physiological disorder. Not the food. I was my own demise.

How great it is to feel more in control. I still struggle, but it is easier than it was before. Last night was horrible not to eat the entire kitchen out. I just felt munchy...compulsive. But, it's only compulsive if you GIVE IN! I (mostly) resisted...I feel it's a victory. And, I've discovered that I LIKE to exercise. I feel so good afterwards that I almost want more than the one time a day that I do. My problem is that now, like after quiting smoking, is I'm a little worried. What's to stop me from going back to my old ways? It was me all along. What if I freak out and can't handle it? I don't want that again. I don't want to be that person again. My only consolation is what I'm doing now. I'm not in my head anymore...I have a voice and you all hear it. It's comforting to get this much support, and it's encouraging to read your stories. So, thank you. You all help more than you'll ever know.

HYC and Memorial Day weekend

So, the SV is that I'm still @ 11 pounds down. Same as last post. Which is great considering I ate and drank to my heart's content yesterday with my favorite foods and adult drinks by the pool. I wanted so badly to eat and drink (I know...bad for you, but sometimes a girl needs some drinks!) what I wanted and what everyone else was having. So I did. And, I feel good about it. It was worth it, but today I'm getting back to buisiness b/c the sugary fun time drinks made me feel sluggish this morning. DEFINATELY needed some water. Who would've thunk that one day I'd be CRAVING water. Lol. Definately a nice change.
I have been working out about every day this week (with an extra cardio today to make up for the fun times yesterday). So, part of the non losing is probably muscle too.

(NSV: around the same for inches as the last post. BUT I tried on 16s and I'm so close to fitting them it's rediculous. EXCITING! I get at least one new outfit for each stage I'm at).

I hope you had a wonderful and relaxing Memorial Day (and weekend).

NSV's *** UPDATED

Thanks for the support and advice! (I'll check out the book Mama Bear June :) Isn't it frustrating Lasserday? I do all the "right" things, change my diet...seem to be on the right weight loss track and BOOM...gain it back with no fun stuff or bad reasons why. I have to admit that it almost made me revert back to my old ways. After all, if I'm going to be fat I may as well eat what I want. But, I feel better eating this way and I don't mind the new food. I figured that my body is doing better and that's what counts!

But, I was still a little bummed. Ok, a lot of bummed. I have over 60 pounds to lose. It should come off like it was the first "good for you" food week. I had an exciting discovery though this late morning. I put on a pair of exercise pants (cause damn if not losing weight will make me not do stuff to feel good) and lo and behold they're loose for the first time since I bought them 1.5 years ago :) NSV's are my way to go apparently. So, for an official record of where I am now (too bad I didn't track where I was before):
Hips: 47"
Waist: 33"
Chest: 42"

As I said before...I'll be tracking SV's and NSV's to keep it all into perspective. What I'm doing is making a difference. I just had to know the right places to look.

***Ok, so my semi-expensive scale (expensive for me) was a piece of crap! I tried on some clothes I had to put away b/c they were tight...and they fit. So, I bought a new scale and even after lunch and a couple glasses of water I'm down 11 pounds! 11. I didn't even get to celebrate properly. That's ok though, I'm just glad to know I'm not crazy. Ok, well...THIS doesn't show I'm crazy!! You'll have to find other evidence for that one ;)

Tactical switch

My problem with this whole journey is that I don't know which plan to chose. Like many of us, it's overwhelming what to do (how many food solutions are out there?). So, I figured that as long as I wasn't consuming the calories I had before, that life would be ok. As long as I was choosing lower calories for the day that I would lose weight (like I had been doing the first week and a half). That didn't work out for long though, did it? I took a look at the food I was eating. The thing is...I am under in calories than I used to be. But, after looking at the weight watchers stuff a friend gave me a long time ago I realized that it doens't mean it's so healthy. So, I think I'm going to switch to the weight watchers plan (without the meetings...monetary issues on this one). This is a good way to keep me in check and not let me fool myself. (like thinking my breakfast of 400 calories was ok, but it was over 1/3 of my points for the day...wtf).


I'm just hoping this is a better answer. I know I said I was ok with just eating healthier, but if there's small changes I can make then I'll do it. That's what it boils down to - same plan, but redirecting a couple choices (like eggs every morning with cheese). Otherwise, then I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. Does anyone else feel like they're lost and don't know the right path? I just feel like no matter what I do it's not right. I didn't want strict, but I don't think I can do this without being more restrictive at this point. But, I'm not giving up! Even if WW isn't right for me, then I'll be happy eating fewer calories like I was before. Until then, we'll see if this works for me.

HYC

At the last minute I decided to post a HYC update. I've had a fairly upsetting week as far as scales, but that doesn't mean that I'm not working on making ME healthier. And, I don't think I did anything wrong to warrent the weight gain. I did break down and have some sympathy boneless buffalo wings last night...which doesn't make any sense. I was upset about gaining weight so I ate food that would ensure it? I do agree with y'all....too little water and irregular bathroom activities (I'm already at least down to 218...and this is after eating dinner and stuff). I usually don't have that problem (opposite), but with low carb living and little caffeine (IBS) I'm not doing as well with the bathroom stuff. How do I fix this long term if I'm eating veggies and fruit? OH, but you didn't come here to hear about bad bathroom stuff!!! Sorry for the grossness.

But, I'm back on the plan again. So, this week I will walk my 10,000 steps/day, along with eating low fat food with veggies or fruit at every meal. To get my spirit back, I plan to NOT weigh myself except on Tuesday for weigh in. It's not the major reason I'm doing this, so why stop and have a pitty party because the scale is a stinker. I know I'm doing good, so I'll stay on this regardless. I need to have NSV's to motivate me. My blood pressure is already back down to 111/74. It never was high, but it was creeping up already. So, maybe I'll post inches and sizes in addition or instead.

Bummer day

Thanks for the encouraging words. It really helps to have the support.


I'm in a mood, so you'll have to forgive me while I have a pitty party/angry fest. I weighed myself again and I'm above where I started! 223!! How can this happen? How, in three days, could I have gained back the 5 pounds and also 3 more???? Even if I'm eating more the past couple days than I did last week (not too much more), I'm eating WAY better than I was before I decided to get healthy. Before I'd have a muffin sandwich with hashbrowns in the am (or biscuits and gravy and hashbrown) at the local fast food...followed by a bad lunch (I'd usually get a meatball sandwich and french fries) followed by 1/2 a frozen pizza at night. On a good day that's all I'd eat. On a bad, I would graze all night long. Olives, cheese, crackers, ice cream, you name it. Now, much better. I know it's less than 2k/day (before it was probably @ 3-4k to be honest). AND, I've been meeting my walking goals. But, I gained back @ 8 pounds in three days? Without eating really bad foods! There has to be a great reason for this...I'm about to explode.
On top of it, my (fur) baby is getting surgery today to remove a lump (she's 11 mo's, so it's probably not cancer, but you never know). Add to this the "normal" high stress and I'm a little miserable. I'm hoping this week gets better, because it's not shaping to be a good one.

obsessions

First off, I just joined the Healthy Walkers Team by Irish Mom and DaDivia Street. I'm excited...I've been really needing this to get me motivated. I, now, feel like others are relying on me. I know it's stupid, but this gives me the push I think I needed. Inertia is a bitch for me (excuse the language, but it warrents it).

However, this isn't the reason I'm writing. My food obsession isn't just a food obsession (compulsive eater). I've realized my compulsive personality is getting in teh way and not so healthy. I'm a compulsive eater, was a compulsive shopper (seriously...debt up the wazoo), ex-smoker, sometimes blogging, etc. Most of them I've taken care of. The big issue now? I've recently found myself weighing myself more than once a day. I tell other women on the bloggs that it's healthier to do it once a week, but now that I'm losing it's exciting to do it once a day. O.k., once a day isn't terrible as long as I can keep in mind that there will be fluctuation. BUT, why would I weight myself the rest of the day? (I'm talking about 3-5x per day) Do I think it's going to go away, or is it that I want to see more? Where is it going? Why would I need more? Crazy talk. I just need to know...does it get better? I suppose I need to work on this too. I don't want the weight loss to be so much a part of my life that I burn out on it too. I want to be healthy, not unhealthy in a different way!!

OH, and due to the compulsive WI's I know I'm down @ 5-6 now. (I'm eating 1300-2000 calories and am losing this much weight...imagine how much food I was eating!). This post kind of sucked the fun out of the weight loss, but I'm still proud of myself!

Ok, now I have to go start a different a healthier compulsion (ok, not compulsion...habit is a better word!!)...I'm trying to create one to walking :) Why not have it work for me!

HYC

I know I shouldn't judge progress by weight loss, but I can't help myself. I'm excited. I'm down @ 4-5 pounds this week! (I'm at 216) YAY...I love it when hard work pays off :) And, let me tell you...I even managed to turn down all my bad-for-you favorites at the seafood chain (except 2 small bites of the cheddar biscuits...yummy!) and late night mcd's, so I'm pretty darn proud of myself.


I know I've written posts before (duh!), but this is the first week I feel I've followed a plan of action. Don't get me wrong...I was making progress! I was working on my head. Now, I'm working on behaviors. What am I doing? I'm just cutting out refined carbs (for the most part) and trying to eat veggies and fruit. I eat when I'm hungry, but still allowing myself to feel hungry and a little grumbly before eating major meals somtimes :) It's a better feeling than I thought. I also don't deny myself, which helps. So, instead of a cheeseburger and fries I will eat the cheeseburger (minus the bun) with frozen veggies and a low fat smoothie. OR, baked beans as a side. If I need a snack, I have fruit or low fat cheese wedge spread with baked french bread type "crackers" or low fat cottage cheese. I eat these because I like them. I don't eat it (for the most part) someting that doesn't taste good...not a denying thing! But, I have a long way to go for the habbit to form, so until then I'll work at it :)

I didn't quite meet my exercise goal, even though it was relaxed. SOOOOO, I'm putting up new goals with a schedule I will try to work on...because I have the want to exercise now. Funny how losing weight makes you want to exercise...it was just the thing I needed...to lose weight? lol...whatever. I'm not analyzing this right now...I'll just go with the flow.


Ok, plan of action for the upcoming week:

Exercise: M W F I will go to the gym at 8:30 and exercise for at least 30 minutes on the eliptical machine. If I feel inspired to do weights I will. If I feel inspired to work out more..I will! If I don't want to do more, I don't have to. It will be enough for now!

Food: see above. Same deal, but making sure I get enough calories.

Myself? I'm already getting there...no guilt, no criticism. I still have a hard time with mirrors, but it's getting easier. I will make time for me to do things I want. And, I will remember the mantra: I don't deserve the french fries, instead I deserve to be happy and healthy!!!

Epiphanies

The hubby's meal was GREAT! He made a low fat baked potato dip for chips (like a loaded potato, only mixed up and creamy....SO good), mediterranean pizza (yum), and a fruit type of pie with a gram cracker crust, low fat pudding, and some fruits strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries) with a gnosh (sp?) sauce type of thing. The whole meal was @ 700 calories. If this is what happens when he cooks, sign me up!

I realized something last night. It's something most people know, but that I'm learning. I can say no to myself. And, life will be ok. It's just that easy. You see, I ruminate about food. Constantly. I'm always looking to the clock for when I can eat again. Sometimes I can wait, but most of the time I just give in and eat on the spot. The problem is that it's never enough...I'm never satisfied because the compulsive thoughts don't ever go away. But, last night I told myself "You ate a great meal, you're not hungry, no...you don't need it so eat in the morning. The food will still be there tomorrow." It was calming....no anxiety that usually happens (like, what, if I don't eat it now it will dissappear?). No guilt. I feel pretty good about it this morning :)
The power is slowly becoming mine instead of the food ruling me.

I was thinking...instead of thinking I deserve to eat this or that because I worked hard, or I ate better the rest of the day...why not "I deserve to be healthy and fit!" Maybe that will be my new mantra :)

Keeping it Real

Thanks for all the support and suggestions!!

Lasserday suggested I look to this post on crankyfitness. If you haven't checked it out yet, please do so. There was a lot that I already knew, but really...we need to hear these things.
http://www.crankyfitness.com/2008/05/why-cant-you-stick-to-your-plan.html
Go there now if you haven't :) And, like I was instructed, the links are great too. I'll have a new link on my blog to this blog for sure!

It really puts things into perspective, and re-iterates what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do what's good for me instead of instant gratification with long term negatives (bad food, bad spending, etc.). I can actually identify with it now...pretty cool.
I'm in a "harsh reality" stage...and believe it or not it's not making me depressed like it used to. Even the pain and hardness feels good -because it's getting it out in the open. I've been watching a tv show about how you are what you eat. Anyone see it? The lady is kind of mean sometimes (blunt...like usually only guys give to each other ;), but it's stuff people need to hear. She points out their problems, tells them they're fat, and tells them that their food is disguisting. She also does a blood work up and examines their "poo". It's intersting, but she makes some excellent points.
I was opposed to the blunt honesty at first...and to some extent I don't want people that mean to me. But, hearing it in others that do the things that I do inspires me. It makes me want to change. It makes me realize that there's a NEED for change. I've known this, and my hubby and I have talked about it...but instead of feeling sad I feel good about it. Weird, huh?

So, my hubby has offered to cook for me. At first I saw it as control, but I know he means well. I just need to make some choices myself. I'm trying to get all of me better, not just the weight. But, the cool thing? He's going to cook dinner (he doesn't work right now, and I want healthy food...which doesn't happen much when I'm hungry and getting home from school/work). Tonight? He is cooking a mediterranean pizza. Pesto, spinach, feta, mozzarella & chicken. MMMM, MMMM, good!!! And, lower in fat and calories than normal too. Double bonus! I think I like having a house husband. What will I do when he has to work on school again?

Poundage

Ok. So, I'm one pound up, but that could be because 0f anything. So, I'm hovering at the same weight. I would be upset, but I'm only starting to make better choices...and some of them this weekend were not so good. I have some good ideas from all of you lovely people, so thanks. And, I rediscovered my love of Mediteranean food. I know some of it isn't so good for you (we can make anything bad), but a lot of it is good for you and mmmm yummy. I didn't get the march thing going unfortunately (long story, but I am writing to congressmen and women and also helping inform whoever is intersted in my hubby...that probably does more good. you should have heard the nasty comments from people in the streets). It's a new week though, so here are my goals.

Goals:
Exercise: I will not whine :) Well, I will not whine while I plan to devote a half hour/day to some sort of activity. Desired activities include: walking with my doggie, going to the gym, doing a video, some activity with the hubby.

Food? Well, I will eat a salad, fruit or veggies with every meal. I know what you're thinking...you don't already? Nope...but, I will start this week. Every meal. It helps that I'm starting my doggie on a snack of carrots or apples (she has digestive issues...hopefully it helps).

General disposition: I think I need an exercise to get a better outlook with myself. A defeatist attitude won't get me where I need to go. I need to realize that I'm good and beautiful no matter what, but that I'd like to be healthier. It's hard. So, I will read 2 chapters in my compulsive eating book, and maybe some other gushy, psychology stuff (like look in the mirror and try to see the things I like instead of the things I don't).

I'll let you know how this goes!

Food for Thought

I guess everyone is doing this , but I got it from Fat Bridesmaid and wanted to play along. I think everyone should think about the answers to these questions!

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?
Salty and fatty. I love french fries, potato chips and dip, nachos & cheese with jalepenos and sour cream.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
It starts late morning and goes all day. The worst is at night though...if I can be good all day, then I usually break after @ dinner

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
I'm the classic over eater. I feel great while I'm doing it, but soon after it's guilt and disguist

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
Yes.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?
I come from a long line of overeaters, but really it's not getting help for low self esteem and depression early on. It started as poor choices and escalated to a disorder.

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight?
It stopped being about other people a long time ago, although it took me a while to stop the blame game. I do blame myself, which doens't help getting better. It's something I'm working on.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
Overeating, laziness, bad choices. I have a global problem...no one thing has caused it.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
I've been off and on (although more off), but not gaining when I would exercise. Hmm....maybe there's something to this? lol

9. What made you finally want to change?
I have aches and pains that shouldn't be here. I'm tired of having trouble when trying to do more simple physical activity. I don't want to die early. I want to shop and find clothes I like instead of clothes that fit. I want to feel sexy for my husband, because right now I don't. I want to feel attractive in a dress...and feel like a woman.

Vacation

I won't be writing much this weekend either. Me and the Hubby are going to DFW to visit family and to march for medicinal MJ. I don't even want to get into a debate on that one though! (I've had 5+ family members with cancer, my mom and aunt were the two that passed away from it, one family member with a host of illnesses - every arthritis known to man along with Parkinson's MS and fibra mialgia (sp?), one with PTSD....so it's an important issue to me) But, if anyone is interested in learning more about any of it email me!

OK, to get to the point. The big question is: how am I not going to be able to eat my mother in laws oh so good, southern, home cooking? lol. I guess I'll eat smaller portions, try to eat lower carb (if possible), and take walks with my puppy. I'm still having a hard time sticking to strict rules, but I'm making progress. I didn't get a chance to make dinner Tuesday night, so I ordered tilapia topped with lobster sauce and asparagus. SO yummy, but I don't want to even know the calorie content. (ok, if i'm honest I also split a desert with my friend...and I was doing so well before the desert). But, are these seemingly good things really good for you? I'm almost better not knowing since it's WAY better than the usual meal I get, but I'm curious. And, if I'm going to make educated choices I should probably educate myself, huh?