Reflections

Thanks for the support guys! I really feel like things are clicking, which is awesome. I can fit into old clothes now...what encouragement, huh? I think I figured out the magical miracle cure to losing weight. Eating healthier and exercise. Who would've known? Oh, yeah...all the healthy people out there. And doctors. And, really, we knew it all along, didn't we?

The thing is, I've been wondering lately. What makes, no made us sit in our miserableness for so long? Why was this so hard before? I feel like I was in a coma. Actually, it was a sugar and carb coma. Every day, when I wasn't at school teaching or taking courses, me and the hubby would sit in front of the tv. I would eat constantly. And, let me tell you, the constant focus on food was SOOO tiring. I was mentally exhausted from it. Yet, I couldn't stop. I used to feel horrible (irritated, out of my mind, etc.) if I didn't get food on a regular basis. When I got rumbly hungry I'd get so head spinning, out of control. God forbid I ate healthier food. It just didn't seem to fill me up. It was such a strong response, I thought I had low blood sugar or something. It had to be a physiological thing, right? Well, apparently not. I'm in graduate school in psychology. I should know the power of the mind. But, this thing totally fooled me. I was double crossed by my obsession. In many ways.

My husband is medically retired army. One of my best friends, who has struggled with weight and eating disorders too (although more anorexia and bulemia), is seeing a guy in the marines. Now, maybe it's a military thing, or maybe it's a guy thing or a fit person thing, but regardless... She had a similar experience as me: they were sympathetic to a point, then it was "you just need to buck up and do it. Stop the excuses if you want to get it done." It's really that easy? It seems so now, but before it didn't. It was : they don't understand. How can they be that cruel? Don't they have compassion. But, they were right. everything I was experiencing was in my mind. I was holding me back, not a physiological disorder. Not the food. I was my own demise.

How great it is to feel more in control. I still struggle, but it is easier than it was before. Last night was horrible not to eat the entire kitchen out. I just felt munchy...compulsive. But, it's only compulsive if you GIVE IN! I (mostly) resisted...I feel it's a victory. And, I've discovered that I LIKE to exercise. I feel so good afterwards that I almost want more than the one time a day that I do. My problem is that now, like after quiting smoking, is I'm a little worried. What's to stop me from going back to my old ways? It was me all along. What if I freak out and can't handle it? I don't want that again. I don't want to be that person again. My only consolation is what I'm doing now. I'm not in my head anymore...I have a voice and you all hear it. It's comforting to get this much support, and it's encouraging to read your stories. So, thank you. You all help more than you'll ever know.