Wednesday, July 1, 2009


WARNING, WARNING, rant ahead. I will let you know when it's done so you can skip ahead if you'd like!
OK. So I'm pissed about my vehicle and need to vent about it. The stupid jerks at the dealership that did our oil change last time stripped the drain cap. When we went to get it changed at another place they told us of this and wouldn't touch it. Couldn't really. Go back to above dealership and they said that there's no way to tell whos to blame and they won't do anything compensation wise. They will take a look at the car, but if it's really stripped it could cost starting at 250 and up. WHAT?? That on top of the car getting hit three times in the last few months. WTF!!!! And, it's leaking oil. Probably from the drain cap. GRRR. THEN, oh it gets even better, my hubbys tire has a nail in it. Not a problem, but he has special tires that are really wide and a little thinner. The place we got them won't put a plug in it because it's not safe with those tires. So that'll be another 350. I think the financial gods are pooping all over us.

Ok, so as you can tell I'm working on anger issues. lol. That's my new big project. That and negative self talk. I had forgotten all about focusing on this. It was my goal for this year. Does it really take constant focus? Sometimes. But, I haven't been doing too good of a job lately. Mostly I ignore it and forget about stuff like being nice to myself. Miz Fit had some good advice...would you ever let a stranger talk to you like this? If not, then maybe you shouldn't!!

The problem with the negative self talk is that it has caused problems in all areas of my life. I have problems with being assertive, even as a teacher, but especially with my courses I take and with professors. It's getting better, but still needs work. It also is with being assertive with people I encounter, like the stupid guy at the dealership. My husband has to do these things for me. Anything involving confrontation at all is really difficult. The other issue, and one that relates to why I have this also impacts how I eat and how much I eat. Like comfort foods and compulsive eating.

If only I could really get more confidence. And, if only I could really and truely believe in myself. How can a girl get to her last year of PhD school and still sometimes wondering if she's good enough? How can I be 31 and still feel every once in a while that I'm not enough? I'm proud of myself for the steps that I've made, but still would like to make it more of a focus now.

I'm hoping to get some easy tips, but already have some ideas from operation beautiful and others. However, I think I'm going to take up my book about compulsive eating. I think the exercises in that can really help. and am willing to give it another try.
Some of them are just weird though. Like watch yourself eating in the mirror for a while. Something about being comfortable with it and not being ashamed. Have you tried it? How long can you last?

The others have to do with positive self esteem. I think the book is more about stopping hating our bodies, but it all works towards what I want. To eat "normally", and yes to stop hating my body and feeling guilty all the time. Feeling anxious.

I do have a nsv to report though...gotta end on a happy note, right? :) The hubby and I went to a restaurant and we had not so healthy foods (obviously not the nsv), but I was able to leave food on my plate. Actually more food than I have left in a while! Including my ever beloved french fries! YAY ME!!!


Crazylady said...

Sorry to hear about your car woes! They can really be a royal pain in the ass sometimes eh! I totally hear you on the lack of confidence thing too. I HATE confrontation and generally avoid it at all costs. I also tend to see the worst in myself and assume everyone has a low opinion of me. It's hard work trying to change.

However big kudos to you for leaving food on your plate!! That is so hard to do and fries too!!! I am in awe. :)

The Happy Runner said...

Can I give you a big virtual hug???

I feel like you are writing my thoughts from when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. I really do! I had such a crummy relationship w/my body for so long but I did repair it. I wish I could say that there was a magic pill that fixed it, but there wasn't. Part of it was age, and looking back at some of my youth wasted hating my body. That made me sad.

Part of it was also finding an activity (running) that I loved. I wanted to get better at it so I started to focus on doing that. I think that helped me to lose a little weight but, more than that, it helped me to see my body as strong and capable, not just something that should conform to a standard and, if it didn't, had failed.

The other, probably bigger, part was realizing the root of some of my negative self-talk. For me, I had to look at back at some mother issues, but dealing with that stuff really helped!!

Good luck w/the steps that you are taking. Have a good weekend!

Miz said...

came here to rant as well but the happy runner nailed so so much of what I was going to say.

negative self talk is SO INSIDIOUS and just spreads though out all aspects of our life until we finally (and you will!) nip that sh*t in the proverbial bud.

I echo the happy runner in that going back and treking through the muck (as I like to think of it) of youth & childhood and finding the ROOT is the one way to be sure to eradicate it permanently.


Mama Bear June said...

When it rains, it pours! :-( Sorry to hear about everything hitting you at once. That really stinks!

Congrats on the NSV! Enjoy and celebrate the little things.
Path to Health