Wednesday, June 4, 2008

keeping on track

The hubby's a traitor. "I want fried chicken" he says last night. So we got fried chicken. Excuse the tmi, but it was what I wanted to during the moon's revenge (aka pms...or ms actually). In his defense, he hurt himself and wanted "good" food for a change.

I keep things private in case people I know (aka students) find my blog by accident and don't know who I am. But, I've been here long enough that I need to share our story and how it relates to what I'm going through. I need to talk this through, so excuse the long post.

My hubby. He's medically retired from the army at the age of 26. This means that he's "disabled". In fact, we've been told that there's a real chance he can be considered unemployable by the VA. To add insult, his bad knee gave way and he landed on it...and may have torn ligaments and need surgery. He can't get around except on scooters and crutches. Imagine the looks a 26 year old gets from people and you can see his frustration. Not that this makes him unsupportive, but I think it warrents a pitty party for a few days.

I also should explain that I'm a graduate student in Psychology. I'm not training to be a therapist, so please don't ask for dream analysis or how you should solve some life problem. I have problems of my own and after years of this, I usually just tell people they're crazy and leave it at that :) Anyway, this means that I teach classes, take classes, and have tremendous stress with research (and little money on top of it all).

Now, if I was stronger, or should I say had better behaviors in place, none of it would make a damn bit of difference. But, I just want to do everything for him and have a hard time not babying him. Imagine how that's been making him feel. I also have a tendancy to have the world stop when there's a crisis, or even semi-crisis. I think it's an entitled thing. I've been justifying all of this in my head...well, not even justifying. It was just expected. Crap goes down and I get a break from life. Like the world stops. The past few days I've forgotten my own mantra. "I don't deserve the day off and to eat bad food. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I deserve to fight for my health." The world doesn't stop because I'm stressed. The fat I'm eating doesn't take a hiatus because I need comfort food. I don't need to have a pity party myself...I'm a lucky person to have what I have (working toward my dream job, wonderful husband, great baby doggie, good friends and family, a roof over my head, enough money for food, etc.). Like everyone doesn't have a story like mine to tell. We all have sorrow storries, but it's what we do with our lives and how we cope that matters.

Funny how writing it all out puts it into perspective. At least I'm catching all of this before it went on too long. This is why blogging is great.


Anonymous said...

i say, the longer the better! but maybe that is why i have a small readership. :)

Gayla said...

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom. All I can offer is my support and my prayers. By the way...if you need to write a long post, write away. It's your blog. You can do whatever you want on it.

Journo June aka MamaBear said...

Sending hugs and prayers your way. I've been "nurturing" my hubby, too. He just had hip replacement surgery and is only 49yo. Hope your hubby is able to find something he can do. I know how frustrating it is for men when they can't work.

I gained over 75 pounds after the stress of our son being diagnosed with a life-shortening, incurable illness 11 years ago. I finally got to the point where I realized I need to take care of ME to be able to take care of him and the rest of my family. And you are so right - we all have our STUFF and we all get to choose how we handle it. The grace of God is the only thing that gets me through each and every day. Right now, our son is doing very well and is 18yo. Each day is a gift.