Happy New Year :)

As I probably won't be posting tomorrow, I wanted to take a second to wish you a Happy New Year! I also wanted to play along with felicia's post about the new year and what it has in store for me :)


One of my favorite moments was either just hanging with my hubby, the dog, and friends or the new move. Now, don't get me wrong - it's been one of the most stressful moments (with moving in between christmas and new years), but the new place will be much better. We can at least listen to the tv and not have people complain!
I don’t make new year’s resolutions because I feel like it sets it up for failure and makes it bigger than it needs to be. I do have goals though, like making myself healthier, being a good instructor, working on my procrastination and getting things done ahead of time, managing our money better, etc.

Overall, I had some dramatic events. Pooch was severely allergic to something still unknown, surgery for me and the pooch, hubby sick, multiple family members either sick or having new illnesses, my big project at school only was finished with 3 hours to spare, etc. But, I had some good things happen and good times too. I have gotten more support than I have ever had by y’all, we have some good friends that we get to spend time with, everyone is still here and relatively healthy and happy, we’re still together, I did finish my big project :)
All in all it was an ok year. I hope that the next year will be even better. At the very least, I know that I have some good support with my family and with y'all!
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Ok, if y'all don't read Mark Salinas's blog, go read the things to stop doing in 2009. They all apply, but number 3 is the one I need the most work on. I need to stop putting myself down and being so harsh on myself. How can I possibly sucseed if I keep doing it!

Happy Holidays!

I probably won't be back posting until after the new year, especially about fitness stuff. We are visiting the in laws, then when we get back we have to move across town. But, I will be popping in to all of your blogs and trying to encourage - or spout useless thoughts ;)

Happy Holidays! I hope everyone is happy, healthy and safe this holiday season!

Donations made by MizFit

Hey guys. I know most of you already know about MizFit, but if you don't please go comment on this post. She is donating $.10 for every comment to SafePlace, a domestic violence shelter. Many different people are matching the donation, so go there now! Every person they help is one that had the courage to try to change their life and save themselves!

Free days or no free days, that is the question

The part that I hate about "diets" is that when you deny yourself things that you *think* you want, then you think about it all the time and set yourself up for failure. If you don't "allow" yourself your vices, once in a while, then when you do "fall" you fall hard and don't get back up.


When starting to eat healthier, I think it's important to schedule times that you "allow" yourself your vices. My love affair with french fries can't end so abruptly. Some people can break relationships off cold turkey, but this is one where I think I'll need more time.

But, since I already started with the relashionship analogy, why not go there. If a boyfriend/girlfriend was terrible for you, made you feel like crap, and was just all around abusive most people would end that relationship pronto! I wouldn't think twice, especially when it's physical abuse. Hey, emotional abuse too. Yet, we continue our abusive relationship with "bad" foods. Me? I let them treat my body and my mental health (especially emotional) in the poorest mannor and stick with it time and time again.

The problem is that when it's all you know - and you've tried to change your lifestyle only to be drawn back time and time again, how do you make a permanent change without any hint of the life you knew? I had a boyfriend similar to this - it was unhealthy (not as extreme as above), but without something drastic I just couldn't quit going back to him. We were on and off again for about 5.5 years (well, together for the first @ 3-4.5 and on/off for the last 1.5-2). It's been the same thing with the "bad" foods.

To some of you this seems melodramatic. To some of you I'm a stupid, silly girl who is too much in her head. Well, the in my head is true! But, for some of us this food thing is this complicated. It's not just fuel for your body. It's a comfort, it's a hug when you need it, it's a boost when you're down, it's a "friend" when you're bored. Yet, it's the cause of mood swings, extra weight, heart disease, etc. It's the most unhealthy relationship most of us will have - and the hardest to break. But, the reason we're all here is because we want to change. I would like to see food as fuel. I'd like to it would be nice to suceed in being healthier instead of whining about it all the time. And, I don't want to be the typical American, who only changes when something drastic happens. I just don't know how to kick this love affair with a clean slate all at once.

I still feel like, towards the end of this break up, I will need the option for the food equivalent of a booty call until I can kick it and be done with some of these bad relationships. I will give myself a day each week to have a vice or two. For example, holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are free days...it just won't work for me right now unless I have provisions. I will chose whichever foods I feel like having with no guilt and no thoughts of cheating. If I want cake, I will have cake. If I want carrot sticks and apples instead, then that's what I'll have! Furthermore, for now, I plan on Saturdays being my regularly scheduled "free" day. Saturdays are my date days with my husband, so I can't guarantee I'll eat well on those days. Besides, I think it'll be easier to calm the crazy food thoughts (I gotta have it and I gotta have it now!) if I can say: yes, but Saturday is your day for that so wait. But, I'm not setting it up so that I feel I need to do it. It's an if I want this is the day to do it. Just until I can get back on my feet to be more intuitive about it!

DASH Diet

I know, I know...I told you that I wouldn't focus on food till next week, and here I go talking about some diet!

But, I got so inspired reading Tom's post about the DASH diet today (official "diet" website here) that I just had to comment on my blog too. It's a diet that was created to lower hypertension naturally. The main idea is to eat fruits, veggies, low fat dairy, and lean meats. I will promptly start trying this out when I get more funds (aka after the big move at the end of this month to our new duplex and after Xmas is over!). But, I was thinking about a few things.

1. it's what we all know we should be doing (I have said several times that this is what I wanted to do, just without the diet rules and catchy name). This concept is not new - we've been told this our enire lives! Ok, most of us have...it's just that a lot of us never listen to well educated (or intelligent) folks and ignore the "shoulds".

2. I don't follow this stuff without rules. Why is that we need the rules?! Without it, I justify and don't keep myself accountable. Which worries me for sticking to it if I "break" them. Somehow I need to reconsile the need for rules yet not being broken down when I have something I shouldn't. Maybe assigning days where I have something different, like Atkins does. However, a food diary will just piss me off, er, maybe I should say that I will not continue a food diary and therefore it defeats the whole darn purpose!

3. How can I possibly eat all that food? Just like our gov't recommendations (this looks awefully familiar if you remember your pyramid!), they recommed from 6-12 grains, 4-6 fruits, 4-6 veggies, 2-4 dairy, 1.5-2.5 lean meats, and 2-4 fats and sweets...along with 3-6 nuts/week). It seems like a lot of food! Can you imagine eating all of that? Do you think it's about right, for those of you that are intuitive eaters? I suppose it's not American sized portions - it's "normal" portions. So, one of my sized apples probably counts as 2 (at least 1.5) fruits. Plus, if I'm not eating all the "bad" meats or junk food (what do you mean chips aren't health food? French fries also? Blasphemy!) then I should have room for it!

I don't think any "diet" is a long term solution, but until I get into the swing of things I will be followin the DASH diet (still keeping my You, on a diet knowledge in mind). The biggest thing that I need from this diet is to be reminded (behaviorally and metabolism wise) what it's like to eat "normal" portions with healthy foods.
What do y'all think? Fancy spin off of what we already know and love, or if not love at least have known that we "should" do (here's that dang should word again)? Who cares, as long as it gets me eating like a person should if they want to be healthy? Both?

Update and awards

I'm doing ok. thanks for all the support! Somehow this week is turning around and things are falling into place for my and the hubby. Kinda nice for a change!

I decided earlier this week that there will always be bad things that can happen, but that doesn't mean I can sit around and mope! So, I started working out again. I didn't want to tell y'all because I didn't want to be the girl who cried exercise :) But, I was a little excited to get off my butt and work! With the break coming up (break for a grad student, hah! But, no formal obligations), I can take some time to get back on track.
Food, now that we'll discuss next week!!

Last, but not least, I have another award :) Fat 2 FAbulous Miz White gave me this one!


I'm learning that sometimes good things happen just when you need them. I don't always feel fabulous (but thanks for saying it anyway Felicia, it helps :), but I know if anything I'm always going to be real about things!

Rules for this one, you say? Well, here they are:

• Put the logo on your blog
• Place a link from the person from whom you recieved the award
• NOminate 7 or more & put the links for their blog!

I apreciate all of you, more than you know! So, I'm going to be a pain in the 'ol butt and nominate y'all :) My regulars are all guys and gals that I apreciate so much for how real you are and how supportive y'all are. So, if you're on my blogroll you're nominated! (yes, that means most of you are nominated again, or get 2 in one week like Felicia:)

Awards and give aways

Give Away: nmburleson was great enough to point those of us that read her blog to a great give away! It's for a vitamix mixer, and Bender has the awesome job of giving one to a lucky poster. Go there - so worth it :) Although, with 145 people and 3 chances to win, it's slim, but I'd still recommend trying!

Ok, so to more fun stuff! Felicia gave me an award! How great is that? Here it is:

She is so sweet. If you haven't checked her blog out, go do it now! She really has come so far - we could all learn a little from her! She's very real about everything - which I appreciate more than she probably knows :)

The Fabulous Award Rules:

1. You have to pass it on to 5 fabulous blogs.2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions.3. Make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them.

My 5 fabulous addictions:1. Hanging out with the hubby and the doggie :) My two most favorite beings ever 2. Painting. I've just started (creative painting), but it's so soothing! 3. My computer - Stealing from Felicia here, but really...I couldn't live without it...work or personal wise. 4. My planner - sad, but I'd be lost without it. 5. my purse. it holds everything :)

I can't decide who to pass this one to! I think y'all are great. But, I won't punk out this time. So, 1. Fitness Fig 2. NMBurleson with Embracing the weight loss journey 3. Fat 2 Fabulous (come one - Fabulous is in her blog name :) 4. DaDiva Street (I hope you're enjoying your time off on your cruise!) 5. Last, but certainly not least, The Happy Runner :)

Lucky Girl!

I know I've been fairly mia. I just get tired of being concerned and complaining about non-body changing issues. *sigh* So, I will probably be mia again this next week. I need to figure things out for me, you know? Get my head on straight again and see the good. It's not like I'm not appreciative for what I've been given...I live a more privilaged life than most...it's just hard when there is a lot of negative events. The past few years have been trying.

Something good that has happend? I won a gift card to Cathe's site from Fitness Fig! How cool is that?! Now I just have to decide what to get! What a good problem to have...beats the paper writing and grading I'm doing right now for finals! Most of her video's are advanced...I'm DEFINATELY not there. But, I found a step/circuit training video that I think I'm going to get. I'm excited that I get to try one of her workouts, given that I've been reading about them for a while on FF's blog:) Now that I think about it, I should just ask FF what to get!

I also entered a give away for a work out at grounded fitness for a workout video. If that's your sort of thing, go check it out!

HYC from the Drama Magnet

I'm good. I think. Just stressed...who isn't these days though? I'm just a magnet for drama. Really, if there was a competition for it or an award I'd so win. But, I have my family and most of us are still in good health. It's all I can ask for!

I know y'all are die yard treadmill fans, but my joints, hip and back just ache afterwards. Kind of like walking longer distances. That's why I like eliptical machines - they're awesome! But, it's a moot point now as I don't think we will be able to afford it with recent events (yes, since I posted yesterday). But, good news? I think we may move closer to my school so that I can bike to it instead of the necessary drive. I guess I could bike now, but only if I want to risk life and limb crossing the highway/freeway...no thanks!

I gained over Thanksgiving. Too much grazing, not enough working out. It all passes by so fast, and then I was back here and "bad" tired again! So, while finishing up my classes and grading exams the next 8 days, I am going to make it my mission to be good tired. Spending time with my hubby, playing with the dog or friends. Just enjoying life. I still need to work, but I need to continue working on me as well. It's too easy to get caught in the sorrows that happen, but I'm just figuring out that if I let it get to me every time something happens I'm going to be a wreck in no time!
(btw, lovin' the good/bad tired - makes my HYC list so much shorter :)

Home Exercise

I have a bit of exercise advice for you. It's a little early, but after the new year I am considering getting a piece of home exercise equipment. Why after the new year? That's when we can afford it :) NOT a new years resolution. Those darn resolutions never work!

I already know I want the bars that MizFit gave away a while back (can't remember what they're called, but I will definately look back in her archives...but if anyone can remember it's the bars that look like hurdles).
However, I really would like a cardio machine. My friend has a gazelle and said it was a lot like an eliptical machine and gives a good workout. I was always skeptical - seemed way too easy, but then again people said that about the elliptical machine. What do y'all think?

Damage done!

I will be back again Sunday I think, but for now I'm just enjoying the time "off" and spending with family! I did not stuff myself to uncomfort, but I have not been want for food. I'm sure with the hourly grazing that I still hit my 3-6k that MizFit reported. (I was not aware of that before she said it and was in sock after reading her statements about it). Anyway, have a fabulous weekend. I hope you had your fill of food and family :)

If you are traveling back home - please be careful! There are a lot of idiots, er, unskilled drivers on the road.

Facebook pals

Anyone that has facebook (and promises not to talk about issues here that my face to face people don't know about - the biggest being my cousin) and wants to add me please feel free to email me (my blog name at yahoo). Or that would like to exchange Christmas Cards (yay!) please feel free to email me too :)

HYC

I was reluctant to post something this time, as I have had several events (some that I talked abut, but others I will need to keep quiet) that have shaken me to the core. But, I will post my goals. HYC is not just for when times are good, but also for when times are bad. Even more helpful in these times.

I need a total body, mind, soul focus this week. Thanksgiving week should be good for that! The hubby and I are going to Ft Worth to stay with his family and eat dinner with the whole group (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). I'm excited :)
Body: I will try to exercise and try, try, try not to eat ALL of my MIL's southern down home cooking! Well, I'll eat something from every meal she makes, but I WILL NOT PIG OUT :)

Mind: I will journal. I think, unless I miraculously find money for a shrink, that I need to journal some of these feelings and frustrations.

Soul: enjoy family. Enjoy that we get to spend one more holiday with them, no matter how much they make us mad! At least they're here now and we can enjoy the good, the bad, and the ugly :)

Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone!!!! I hope you enjoy every bite you take and, more importantly, that you enjoy every single person (especially family) that you are privilaged to spend time with!


To continue the thankful till Christmas thing, this week is family :)
So, I am thankful for a large supportive family! Even my in laws are pretty great. I am thankful that I've been loved so much, and that I've loved so many people that I get the chance to miss them when they're gone. That I hurt when they're hurt only means that I've had and have some really fabulous people in my life. I'm lucky to have known and to know such unconditional love.

6 random things

Chantelle tagged me for the 7 random things, but I was a bum and didn't get to it (shameful, I know). But, when she posted this I figured itw as a way to redeem myself! Here we go :)

1. I've always wanted to live out of the city and be somewhat secluded. As in away from people! I know, those of you that know I'm in PhD school for Psychology are wondering how the two fit. I can't help you as I don't get it either!
2.I always wanted to be an Astronomer, but thought it involved too much schooling! Hah! Silly kid.
3. OH, that brings me to a related topic to number 2 - I never wanted to go to school for a long time - it just kind of happened. And, now I love it :)
4. I have road rage. Oh, wait, I've talked about this before! OH, well, I have to admitt it again in hopes that I will STOP! Hi, my name is Diana and I'm a road rage-aholic!
5. I wear crocs everywhere. Even soemtimes when I'm dressed up for teaching. It's rare you'll see me out of them. Fashion faux pas, yes, but they're cheap for shoes that support well. Yet, I watch america's next top model and fashion runway! Oh, heidi and tyra would be so angry :)
6. Me and my husband talk about wining the lotto and plan out what we're going to do with the money. Sometimes I really think I, er we, will win :) Just need to buy the ticket once in a while...there's always a catch to these things, aren't there?

Six random things I like:
1. Strawberry ice cream. Yummy.
2. Snow days. I miss them terribly. Back in the day, it's when my roomate and I would decorate the Christmas tree and then watch movies curled up on the couch. Love them :)
3. puppy bellys :) Silly and juvenile, but they're so soft and pet-able.
4. 70-80's music like Chicago (both 70's and 80's), Air Supply, Beegees, REO Speedwagon. Love it. OOOH, and Elton John. B-b-b-benny and the jets :)
5. blankets from the dryer. nice and warm
6. Sleeping in on a Saturday with nothing to do but play all day.

Six random things I don't like:
1. Smoking (I'm with Chantelle here) - especially when the smell is on my clothes. Yuck.
2. Animal shedding. That's why we have a Schnauzer. No shedding.
3. Hair in my face/eyes. Like when I don't have a headband and my husband puts the window down in the car!
4. Whiney kids. Whyyyyyah. Nooooooooooah. Makes me laugh when other have to deal with it in public (sorry! what can I say, I'm mean like that), but drives me nuts when kids do it to me or to their moms and it's a friend or sister.
5. Guys and loogies. Yuck. Do that in the bathroom with the fan on or away from me. Makes me gag every.single.time.
6. Capers. Totally ruins a great meal.

Whew, ok, I'm done finally :) Now must go do work!! Anyone that would like to do it please feel free to do this for yourself! Just throw me a comment to let me know to check it out :)

Things I'm grateful for.

Two posts in one day? How crazy of me! But, I need to be reminded of how wonderful my life is and how lucky I am with all of the negative that's been going on the past few years (there's more than what I have mentioned in the past and what I talked about earlier today that I won't talk about now, but it's been a hard few years on many levels). So, I'm going to do Chantelle's Grateful Challange that she found in a magazine. She's doing a year of gratefullness...I don't think I can possibly do every day (I will need days off to work :), but I will do most days until christmas and then maybe once a month or week.

The first will always be my hubby! It may be cliche, but before him I did not believe in a world changing love. That is for me - my parents were lucky enough to have it. But, me? I did not believe that I could find someone that I would 1. want to spend the rest of my life with and 2. someone that felt so right like they just fit with me. We clicked instantly. He not only restored my faith in love, but also cam about right before I lost my mom. I don't think I would have survived at all or as well as I did when I lost her if he hadn't been there for me.

Non weight issues

I need a second to vent about non weight/health me issues. I woudln't mention it here, but I can't talk about it to ANYONE except my husband (and mother in law). It's no secret that my mother passed away last year from ovarian cancer and that last year I also had one of my aunts pass away from breast cancer. But, I have 3 other cancer survivors in my family, one (my cousin) that I mentioned last month with a link to her cancer survivor article. She happens to be one of my closest friends, not "just" family. She had a bad mammogram picture yesterday (after 5 years out). The thing is, this cancer that runs in my family (I don't have the gene, thankfully, so I don't have to worry as much about me having cancer) is really progressive. I'm just worried about her and that I'll lose another person that I care about so much. It's not known yet exactly what it is, but since she insists to her doctors to get tested every 6 months (even though after 3 ish they wanted to only do it every year) it's unlikely to be benign. Benign usually don't grow that fast.
I guess I just needed to get that off of my chest. If you could send good vibes, prayers, light a candle for her too (I have a lot of people in my life that have or do need that) I would appreciate it. It'd be nice to have her around so that we can grow old together. Isn't that what is SUPPOSED to happen? You grow old with family and friends.

Energy Boost Via Spark People

Spark People wednesday was saying how 5 minutes per hour you should stand up and stretch or give yourself a mental break of some sort. This, along with good posture (eek...you mean I should have been listening to my nagging grandmother?), can help fight menal fatigue. It got me thinking about what I do at work...which is slouch over a computer and sit there for hours until I need to teach or take a course and try to concentrate for hours on end. Sometimes I get up, but it explains why I feel the need to blog during the time I am supposed to be working! I feel tired and don't want to get back to it. Ever. Is this how you feel? Maybe if I alloted time to stretch and have a mental break I wouldn't go home exhausted and useless at 5 or 6? Need to try it out.

HYC check...I should have said the meal stuff (I did that), but also fitness test, and give myself time every hour to regain my energy. Check, check, and check.

Weight and fitness issues

I am down 4-5 pounds today compared to yesterday. How can water weight really equal that much? I don't know, but I guess I just need to be more consistent and things should go back to normal....or hopefully below normal :)

Even though my weight is going back to normal with less salty foods and more water, I got a wake up call when I tried to do Mark's "burn" workout. Go check it out! Even though it's extreme, I assumed that I'd be slow but that I'd still be able to do all of them. Nope. I am so out of shape it's not even funny! I only did 4 flights (not 10) and I stopped when I did about 5 seconds of the plank hold and was straining and, well, weezing a little :( lol. I think I need to vamp up what I'm doing. I need to do the harder videos, or at least to make a larger effort, or maybe doing some of this stuff Mark had (in a smaller amount...seperated and slowed wa down), but wow. With the two wake up calls in the past two days, I can't hide it any more.

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Look at the comments of that workout. I think DaDivaStreet had the right idea when she just did as much as she could! I burned out too quickly and couldn't get through it. I may have to try this several times (or at least once) per week with modifications (as much as I can do) and that way I see how much more fit I'm getting! I like it.

HYC update

I've been eating horribly. What is that you say? Exercise doens't give you free reign to eat whatever it is you want? No. Damn. In that case I think I've been very bad.

I am up 10 pounds from my last post of weight. I know at least 5 of that is water retention. Somehow I blame those potato chips (you mean my vice? yes, that would be the ones) that I mowed down this weekend. Or it could be the hot dogs for breakfast. Hey, I said I'd be honest and I've been slacking on that job. But, some of it is good 'ol fashion unhealthy fat. Because there is healthy fat?

So, my plan coincides with my pocket book...which is extremely light/tight right about now. Here's the deal. Until I can be trusted, I leave my debit card, credit cards and any cash at home. I eat what I plan the night before. Nothing more than that. No chips from the vending machine, no soda (even though I drink the zero stuff, I'm sure it's not helpin the situation). I drink a cup of coffee in the a.m. and water throughout the day. That's it. Simple, right? I'm banking on that one.

Date day

Thanks for all the good ideas for our date day. We didn't use them (boooh on us!), but we'll probably use them next week so they weren't said in vain :) We ended up going to a gun show with some friends (it's TX...that is a date ;), went out for lunch, hung out with some friends. But, we did put down the couch cushions on the floor with blankets and pillows while we watched Christmas themed movies. It was nice just to hang out. Nothing too spectacular, but enough to appreciate each other.

I hope those of you that haven't taken a date with your hubby/wifey/significant other in a while think about doing it! We make a point to spend the day together on Saturdays so that grad school and, well, life doesn't get the better of us. Even if it's a few hours of you two in a park while your mom/dad/sister/brother/etc watches the kids (for you moms and dads), it can really help the rest of your week and remind you of how great your life is. This is especially true if you're having problems lately that make you feel down in the dumps). Sometimes we need to be reminded of how much we are loved.

P.S. Chantelle - I promise I'll get to the 7 random things again. Till then, you can read what I said last time here :)

Days passing and passing

Answer from my last post: my next step is to figure out where the public library is in my town! I hope they have fun dancing exercise videos - like belly dancing. And, yes, I realize that I will look rediculous, but I'm going to do it anyway :) Isn't that half the fun of doing the weird exercises? Looking weird in the comfort of your own home? Not for you? It is for me :) I've developed a weird sense of humor over the years.

The point of the post:
I've been having issues lately where I feel like a drone plugging along. I work for a while and then come home and veg...just biding time until it's acceptable to sleep (ok, where I can justify sleeping...sometimes by 8:30)....just to start it all over again. Because of this, time seems to be passing by so quickly and I can't remember a lot of the days. I feel like stopping to "smell the roses" is just a phrase people say instead of a way of living :( At least it's not how I'm living my life. Grad school or not, I can still enjoy life!

I don't want to get into this too much, but my hubby is having a hard time. We need some quality time...not just time spent. And, we need to do things to take his mind off some stuff without costing a lot of money. Our date day is tomorrow (the one day where I DO NOT do work of any sort and we spend the whole day together). I need some ideas! I already know I want to paint with him, but we will want/need other ideas outside of vegging watching tv. I want to know what you guys do with your significant others to enjoy each others company! Keep in mind that we're broke right now (so I'm hoping you have cheap to no money ideas) and also keep in mind that he has health issues (his knees are really bad and he has bad asthma), so long or any strenuous hikes are out.

Thanks!

Dance, dance, dance!

Hi guys/gals. I have a question for you. I like to work out to videos, but my collection is tiny. I've been doing Carmen Electra's strip tease set (it's not dirty...just gets you moving while feeling good). However, there are only so many times you can do the same workout! Do any of you know some really great dancing videos (of any kind) that you really like? Are they beginner friendly?

OOH, has anyone tried the belly dancing one? I want to try it in a bad way, but money is tight and I can't justify trying one that I haven't gotten good word of mouth about!

Anyone intersted in swapping/borrowing? I don't have really strenuous programs, or a lot of videos, but if anyone is intersted I will list the videos I do have and give a mini review to those that are inersted!

HYC check in

Gotta love the HYC to keep you accountable! Ok, so here it is.

I've been doing well...at least getting there. Not so good at the beginning of the past week, but getting on track. I could do better on food, but since it's progress I will give myself that one as success! I started exercising more now that I've encorporated workout videos back into my routine. Did them Sunday and this morning. Why do those help? I don't know - but I'll just go with what works...why not give the what works a try for a change!


Here are my plans for the week:

1. still continue to eat the healthier stuff (i.e., little foods with HFCS, enriched, and no partially or totally hydrogenated oils)...I'm not saying I won't have them this week, but most of my foods at home don't have it (except the bbq sauce...haven't found a non-hfcs bbq sauce and really, who can live completely without it! If you know of some please, please, please let me know :)

2. work out at least 3 days a week either through videos or walking - or both if I'm super good/motivated!

3. Not over eat. Does it cheat to have it as it's own number when #2 helps with this? I say not!

4. Work on being in my zen place. Wait!! Shouldnt' this be #1?? Ok, so what will I do? No (let's be realistic though, little! very little!) guilt for not being perfect...even with trying to be in my zen place! Cool down the anxiety when it hits (about school, eating, school, my weight, life, did I mention school? ;) Cool myself down with the road rage (what do you mean road rage isn't a zen activity? crazy talk). Stuff like that.

Exercise

Walking isn't cutting it for me. So, I did a workout video this afternoon that 5 months ago was easy for me. Ouch. I got out of shape so quickly! But, I felt better then I have in a while! Why didn't I go back to theee in the first place? The other thing: it makes me not want to over eat. I'm thinking exercise is a good food checker. Who knew :) duh, huh?

Walking. I'm hoping to keep up with that, but it's not strenuous or formal enough to keep me going. I'm weird like that. Work out videos and the gym are much better for me, but I feel bad not doin double duty for my dog and me. So, I'm thinking that I'll do work out videos in the am (MWFSat at least) then walk in the pm if it's not too dark. That way I get my work out in for sure, but I can still work the dog out when I can.

Quesitoning and more questioning...get to the answers already!!

I've been questioning my behavior lately (ok, always, but especially lately with eating and exercise). I just keep wondering: how can we keep explaining things away (by entitlement mostly) and not work on my goals? How can we, seriously, not realize the dammage that we're doing (e.g., eating bad foods and too much) until it's already been done? Why don't we notice earlier? What's stopping me from achieveing my goals...afterall this barrior I have was created by me! And, while we're going there, why can't I will myself healthier? :)

The thing is, questioning is helpful but if that's all that is happening then we're getting no where! And it's exhausting. And, no progress is being made! I can question all I want, but at some point I have to "do" rather than question.

Other issue: I don't know to achieve balance. How can I be lenient on myself without being so lax that nothing happens? I don't know that I know how to allow myself to not have guilt and still stick to a healthy eating program! How sad is that? My only mechanism is guilt and I don't know how to be my own cheerleader sucessfully. Guilt is a natural thing I go to, yet we've seen that it totally doesn't work. What can I do in place of this? How can I "make" myself adhere to a healthy lifestyle without guilt and punishment on my part? I can talk, analyze, and question things until I'm blue in the face...but it doesn't lead to anything happening (too bad - that's the part I'm really good at).

I have a plan. What's my plan? Just do it :) Duh, huh? Nike had it all along. Also, I have a card that I signed that represents my committment to being healthier. I put this in my wallet so that every time I try to pull out money to pay for bad foods I need to look at it and recognize it's there! Maybe it's not enough for me to say my goals (like I did tuesday), I need a physical reminder to actually do them! I think I also need a note in my office and on my fridge at home saying "does tuna fish sound good? Then don't eat!!!" (Thanks MizFit!) If I don't actually do the advice that's given to me and that I want to do, then no wonder I'm not succeeding!

All About me

Chantelle over at Fat Mum Slim posted her version of questions that are asked to various people in her local (or not so local...her favorite?) newspaper...and I decided to play along :)

I am obsessed with: trying to eat healthier. Suceeding? That's a different story!

Cant live without: my husband and beautiful doggie! They keep me sane(r).

Am petrified of: losing my husband or doggie! I'm getting better with every month that passes (as we get farther away from me losing my mom)...you should've seen me after the first few months...crazy train about losing them. (anything else pales in comparison of losing my hubby)

Am proud of: how far I've come since high school! I've come out of my shell much more, along with gaining self efficacy - I have problems feeling like I can do things or that I'm worthy, but I'm changing that! And, I never would have guessed i would have been a school addict...would've told you that you were crazy!

Really need to: spend less time watching tv and more quality time for me and me and my hubby!

Don't get why: I can't have a money tree. Really. They should exist.

Think alternative medicine is: a good idea, and I want to believe in it. Let's just say I believe in it as much as I do regular medicine.

Relax by: vegging out or playing video games. But, I'm trying switch to doing things that are mentally better for me like painting and playing the guitar (poorly)!

Am excited about: the possibilities for the future! There are many places we may go and do, but it's exciting to talk about it and dream about what the future holds!

My worst vice is: fried foods. YUMMY. French fries, or homemade chicken fried steak. If it's salty and fried I adore it.

Fridge usually contains: too much! But, always fixings for quesadillas and bread pizza (slice of bread with pizza sauce, 2% cheese and pepperoni).

Family is: what always comes first! Everything else is just icing on the cake.

Friends don't understand why: I stress so much! I'm wound a little tight and need to work on being in my zen place. I should have put I'm working on being in my zen place above!

Attitude to exercise is: that it's something I need to do, and something I am working towards liking again.

Relationship with my body: becoming better. It helps that my hubby tells me he loves my body the way it is! (and he doesn't sugar coat things...makes me feel like it's worth celebrating).

Tagging time! So, it's your turn! I would love for y'all to do it, but I think that dr. wifey, Lainie, and nmburleson are the most likely to do this. Don't consider yourself left out if I didn't mention you though! Also, don't feel obligated because I want you to :) Just post a comment if you do!

I hope everyone is happy about the election results! I hate to admit it, as I lecture (literally :) about the importance of voting, but I did not. The only thing of importance was the presidential election, and I feel that both were good/bad candidates and really didn't have a strong opinion either way. Shame on me, yes I know.

I had other events happen. I got rid of my beloved beetle convertible. I loved it, but the maintenance would have been horrible. And, I know there would have been problems down the road. So, we got my hubby an 04 mustang (not the new body style, but it's a 40th anniversary:) and I get the VW 337 (the 25th anniversary of the german gti...do you see a trend? ;) It's a much smoother ride, so I don't mind. Plus, it already has the very expensive mods to get 42 mpg on the highway. And, it's quick. And, it's smoother. Yes, it still makes me sad but it's a better deal.

On a much more serious and tramatic (for me) note, one of my best friends has her lung cancer back. It started when she was 22 I think (she's 26 now), but it's a version where she had it in her hip too (not sure how that works though). This will be her 4th round of radiation (or fifth) and I'm hoping they do a global round of chemo to ensure she has every chance, but she has so many other health problems that I just don't know that they can without ensuring she will die soon. The kicker is that she's not only going through PhD school, but she's also a single mother to a 5year old daughter. Please do your thing: pray, keep her in your thoughts, light a candle, send good vibes...whatever you believe in. She could use all the help she can get!

HYC and me update

Message for Lainie: I can't post replies on your site. Tried twice (last night and this morning) and can't find your contact info :(

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Thanks for all your support! It was a very, very, very stressful week/month, but I am ok now. I have some time until my net deadline(s) and I will work as hard as I can to make sure everything is ahead of schedule! My hair color hadn't handle this much stress!

You know your old when....you have 2 beers and get a splitting headache and have to go to bed before 9!!! Yes, that was me Saturday. Not counting the whole 2 beers I had the night before at a Halloween party. I just don't do alcohol well anymore I guess (not that I ever did...unless you count getting drunk off my butt with 4 drinks). No complaints here though - I already have enough things I get addicted to.

So, while keeping up with readings I realized that y'all are kicking butt! Most of you are on track and doing well - way to go! I don't have to travel far for inspiration, do I? :)

My plan for the week.
1. I will walk 4 times this week (M, W, F, Sunday) traveling for at least 2 miles every time.
2. I will avoid most (if not all) foods with HFCS, enriched or having partially hydrogenated oils (seriously, makers of starburst...you broke my heart when I read this ingredient).
3. I will try to only eat when I'm hungry! This one will be the toughest to follow...but, I'm prepared to give it my all!
4. Most important: I will not guilt myself if I'm not perfect in my endevors. I will just try to give it as much as I can! I am my own cheerleader, not heckler!

I made my deadline!!!

I'm not going to write much, but I wanted to let you know that I made my deadline just in the nick of time!! I had to finish my thesis and have both readers happy with it by today. My second reader got the paper (after my advisor finally was ok with it) yesterday. Usually you give it to them 2 weeks ahead of time. Geesh. I tell you, this has been giving me grey hairs. If I didn't make this deadline I would have been kicked out of the program. No PhD, just the bills from trying to get it! I hope I never run into this again.

I need to go have adult beverages and chill out now!

HYC

I don't have much besides that I'm taking one more week off and starting life again on Sunday. Friday is D-Day for me and Saturday is my belated date-day celebration (besides the hey I made it through Oct 31st celebration). I'll probably not be back again until next week...but, I'll try to keep up with blog reading (it brings me to my zen place)...just don't be suprised if I have limited commenting!

See y'all next week!

I can't find my camera cable...and it didn't have the card in the camera :( As soon as I find it I'll post pics.

I'm having a hard time fiting in exercise (super stressed and busy with the deadline approaching). I think I only walked one day with the doggie. So not the way to be healthier. It'd be ok though if I were watching what I'm eating - I mean besides watching it enter my mouth and go straight to my hips! :( I'll get there, I just need to make sure my whole future isn't down the tubes. I'll be so glad when Friday is done.

Tatas purchase and pictures to come

I'm excited! I finally got my tatas shirt and tote! I wore it yesterday to teach. I'm always reluctant to talk about my family and personal issues, but really...I'd rather help people than be reserved. So, since someone mentioned the shirt I told them a little about my family and stressed the importance of self exams (didn't the mention of fun with a partner option). Besides, it's not a huge secret or anything that I have family members who have survived and not from cancer since there are news papers out there depicting this stuff about my family.

I will be sure to post a pic tonight of me in the shirt (gasp...a real pic...with the face showing and everything? Yes. I will be doing this :) I figure, it would be dificult for the people in my life to find this place. Besides my hubby that is...I always keep myself logged in so it wouldnt' be that hard.

Have a great weekend! Wish me luck with finishing my big project by the 31st! I'll get it done (I think), just lose sleep for one more week!

Food - again?!

I forgot to mention to y'all, I found a whole wheat bread that is non-HFCS that doens't completely make me want to, uh, not eat it ;) I shouldn't be promoting a specific brand, but it's the only one I've found that tastes ok and doesn't have the evil things! It's from Earth Grains and you can find it at the big bad WM store or most grocery stores. I like it because they have a honey wheat Organic...so it's a better choice than others, but yet not too terribly priced (although it can't compete with the $.99 cheapie white). However, don't let the name fool you - my taste buds are too sensative to like it for grilled cheese. It's a pb and j toast or make shift pizza kind of bread! But, it's a start.



As for the yogurt, I'm having a hard time getting over the initial shock of how the plain greek tastes on it's own. However, I fully plan to do some of your suggestions - specifically adding frozen cherries or blue berries. If that doens't work, then I'll add a little honey too. I won't give up on this!



Geesh, being healthier (I still put pepperoni on my makeshift pizzas...can't totally give up all the good stuff!) is really challenging when you're on a budget! Or even when not.

7 things about yourself

I've been tagged by the lovely lainie (fitness fig to most of us!). I need to say 7 (random? unknown I guess) things about myself. Here it goes!

1. I have a weird birthmark under my butt on my right thigh. When I was in H.S. I heard that it's the witches mark...and I couldn't have been happier :) I've always been a little alternative that way.

2. Like Laninie, I'm the baby of a very blended family. I have a half sister and half brother, one adopted half sister (she was adopted by the bio dad...shares a mom with my half siblings), a step sister and an adopted step brother (adopted by my "step"/real in every sense of the word except blood dad, but shares a mom with my step sister). It's been an interesting ride, I'll tell you that.

3. I was raised side by side with bears. My bio dad was a breeder. It was very fun raising the babies...not so fun giving them up. Let me tell you - the babies have the worst temper of any animal I know of. And, they don't let up when they bite you!

4. I was a cheerleader for one "semester" in H.S. Not that type of cheerleader, but really...it was fun. I just didn't like being the center of attention. Ya, ya...I know...dumb move for a social phobe.

5. I am married to a man 4 years younger than me. He was 24 and I was 28. Not that bad until you realize that I'm now 30 and he's 26 :) I robbed the craddle...hehe.

6. I am the only one on either side of my family to go beyond a B.S...was the first to get my B.S. (if I remember correctly on both sides. And, both sides have a lot of people in them...12 aunts and uncles on one side and 6 on the other). I'm actually one of two (me and the oldest) of my siblings to get my H.S. diploma on time. Not something to brag about, but it's weird being the black sheep because I've been sucessful and gotten a higher education.

7. I had a nurse yesterday that swore I was 145 at the most. She had the sliding weights scale and had it at 140 on the bottom. I was like "no, you have to move that one way up." So every 10 pounds she looked to me like...is that right? No. I'm 207. And, she was a bigger girl. It made me feel good, but also annoyed....off 40 pounds? I'll just take it as a compliment.

Whew. So, everyone that reads this is tagged (if you want - I'm a passivist like that)! Except Lainie...you can be exempt ;)

HYC

HYC: I've been doing ok. Starting to walk more, but my food issues are difficult. At least I'm overeating healthier stuff. Next step is to get it back under control. But, if I get out of October ok and with my sanity it will be a miracle. I have a critical deadline at work/school where if I dont' make it I won't be able to finish my degree - and right now I'm not sure how I'll be able to finish. One of those months.

Back to food. So, I tried the greek yogurt in plain because I didn't want to have the extra sugar. And, most yogurts have HFCS, but this stuff doesn't. However, I'm thinking sugar is there for a reason! Have you ever tried non sweetened yogurt? Not like the sweatened stuff at all. I'm thinking that it'll be ok for a smoothie where I will be adding non-sugar sweetner. Or maybe i can add seweetener to it, but doens't that defeat the point? And, I know artificial sweeteners aren't good for us either - but I refuse to give it up for now.

Eating healthier is not quite as easy as I thought. You'd never guess how many things have either HFCS, hydraulized oils, or enriched stuff. It's frustrating, but so are all the extra pounds and toxins in our body. And, it's worth it. Just difficult.

Back to yogurt. What kind do you like to eat? Does it have added sugar? I'm thinking I'll have to suck it up and take the extra sugar as long as it doesn't have the HFCs.

Walking Update

My Sunday walking update...I've decided that I don't care how long it takes me to walk from D.C. to Florida. What I would like to see is every step along the way how long it would take me to go to Chicag0. My closest cousin, one of my best friends, lives there so it makes it more fun.


She's such an inspiration - she's the one I spoke of earlier that had cancer at 29. She isactually on the cover of the Cancer Fighters Thrive October edition (found here if you want to read about it http://www.cfthrive.com/ she's on the cover and the life is great article is about her). She talks about my mom briefly too (helen), but that's a whole post I'm so not probably going to do. She even went on eHarmony after recovering from cancer, with her hair looking more like yoda than anything, and met her hubby. She's awesome. I'm so proud of her.


ANYWAY, the important thing here is about the distance...it's 999 miles from Ft. Worth (not here, but a stopping point along the way). If I keep walking 3 miles every day it will take me a year. I may add biking miles or something like that but I think it'll give me apush I need.


What other related cool event happened? Miz Fit paired us readers up so that we had someone to help us be accountable. Mine is Felice found here. Silly? Hell no, it worked well this week! My fear of being a bum to someone that expects me to do it was/is enough to push me into full gear. It's sad, but hey...it worked, didn't it? I walked 6 miles this week (just yesterday and today, but it's a sart!).


SO, I've completed 14 miles since I started. I will post updates every Sunday. I'll get there in no time...may have to bump up my efforts after a while to knock off the miles. Slow to begin with though!

Body issues

There are several great posts out there that got me thinking about body issues. Fitness Fig kind of summed up what I was thinking about the topic though so I'll let you visit her post, if you haven't already been there. Go ahead and go now :)

Back? Ok. What I was thinking about (and commented about over at Miz Fit's place) is how funny our attitudes change about our bodies. Acutally, I think for a lot of women we are unhappy at all poins in life about our bodies...the amount is just larger for a lot of us. E.g. when I was 16 I was 135-145 pounds. For a woman (girl then?) with a large bone mass this is extremely good. My stomach had very little fat and I looked really healthy. How did I feel? Like a big fat fatty. You have to realize that I grew the big hips and my height early, but really it had to do with friends being 105 and 5'2".

Now? I do feel more comfortable with me as a person, but it's hard to look in the mirror and like what I see. I see my flabby stomach, and dimples on my butt and thighs. Let's face it, 205 is large for a woman no matter what height and bone structure you have. I'd love to be a "fatty" at 145, but really it seems to be about not being happy with your body no matter what your weight. My amount just got bigger. But, we are who we are and our body weight is so little of who we are. Why are we placing worth on it?

I like what fitness fig was talking about. You have one body, why not appreciate it? Why not love it for what it is and not try to be something else. Yes, I want to be healthier, but that doesn't mean I can't love my "big mamma birthing hips" (If you don't believe me see the tatoo post...shows it VERY clearly). Better yet, why not love that my waist is small for my frame? Why not appreciate what you are.

A wise woman (ok, my mom, but she was very wise!) always told me that no matter what your size...you are at someone's goal weight. Appreciate that and let that motivate and guide you. You are already at a goal weight, the rest is gravy :)

Protein

Thanks for the great tips! My favorite was posting notes on the fridge (or on my snacky foods) saying "do you really need this?" Dont' worry, I'll probably be stealing more of your ideas along the way. Baby steps though!

One thing I've noticed with my friends that have gotten healthier through docotor intervention (of all sorts) is that they focus on protein. Not as in the Adkins way where you monitor carbs, but more like "you should strive for X amount of lean protein/day as your main goal." I *get* it - it fills you up. And, if you do this and plan to achieve this then you are making sure, in a sense, that you don't need the junk foods. The plan to achieve this can guide the rest of what you eat. I like it.
So, what did I do? I looked online for how much protein I *should* be getting. The crazy programs said I should be getting @ 80+ grams of protein. Wow. That seems like a lot considering 2 eggs with some cheese is only 14 grams. WTF. Maybe "normal" Americans eat that much, but really I am a carb girl so I doubt I am. I don't eat that much meat in a day. Yikes.

What have you been told about how much protein you *should* have per day? Does 85 grams seem like too much or about right?

I think I'm going to focus on this. Trying to hit a protein (lean, focus on lean) amount per day and let the rest of my foods fall into place. It's funny. Low fat = bad in my head. but, if you focus on lean proteins then it doesn't seem like deprivation to me. Crazy, but I'll follow my "crazy" instincts and go with it :)
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Edit/update: did you know that one small can of chunk white tuna (albacore at least) has 20g of protein in it? Yeah, this might not be as hard as I thought!

Trying to get remotivated

I was listening to the program from Light living with Irene and her interview with MizFit and Felicia. So inspirational and really motivating. In fact I was reaching for large amounts of food, not needing it, and realized that it was crazy to listen to a program about healthy living and emotional eat. Sure, I still munched, but it was on something smaller and healthier than the grandious meal I was going for.

So, I think (especially during this very stressful time for me) that I'll have to look for inspiration in places like this. And, I need to devote 30 minutes a night to reading the *you* book I talked about.

How do you ward off the emotional munchies when you're stressed or upset? What coping strategies do you have for this? (I'm hoping to steal some ideas :)

Link to me :)

Thanks to MizFit for the link to my place :) I'm very passionate about the issue of breast (and ovarian) cancer...I just hope that more people will catch their cancer early. I've seen up close and personal what advanced cancer can do and I don't wish that on anyone. But, I've already exhausted this subject so see here and here to read more about it :)

Not working out never felt so good

There's never a good excuse to not go to the gym. Except, now I'm glad I made those for the past month! As I posted last month we're already on our property manager's S*** list. Well, all the tenants (there's a ton of us) got a letter saying our apartment complex’s gym tv was stole! And, the sad part is that we're all given keys to the area (as long as we don't abuse the privilege), so it was someone that is a tenant. It’s a great neighborhood, I never have my car messed with, our neighbors suck but we haven’t been bothered by their complaining since the officer can never prove it’s us playing loud bass (since it's not us that makes it easy :). But this news just makes me glad (for once!) that I was lazy enough to avoid the gym! You can’t get blamed if you never go! Walking outdoors is looking better and better every day!

Feel your boobies

I know I already posted about this below, but someone asked about the "feel your boobies" button on the side of my blog. I stole it. Bad, I know. Good thing though? I found the page on the feel your boobies web site where they offer them for free to post on blogs and such! Yay!!

So, go to Feel Your Boobies for fabulous breast cancer information, gear, or just to get one of the buttons to put on your blog/myspace account/etc encourage others to feel their boobies.

Note: feeling of the boobies does not have to be done by yourself. You can have others do it for you! Make it a marital event! (yea, I'm a perv, but there have been women who detected their cancer early because their hubby's felt them up!)

Walking Food and Tata's update

So, I only went 2 miles last week. See, my thesis is beyond due and I was trying my hardest to finish it. Talk about stress!! Not much sleep all week, then crashed yesterday afternoon and today. I'd go walking today with the doggie, but she refuses to do anything when her back gets wet and it's raining. Silly thing...it's funny at times, but so frustrating too. Keep in mind that most of the time it uncludes going potty too. What would she do if we lived in Seattle?

Did any of you walk? If we band together (maybe I should have called it a walking challenge and given a deadline?) we could knock this out in no time.

So, I got rid of all the high fructose corn syrup and most enriched stuff. I also got rid of hydrogenized oils (since they're bad too). All that is good as long as I eat home! But, I'm determined to do this and do better in this department. I also got a lot of organic foods too. Do you know how hard it is to buy "bad" foods when you cut these three little ingredients out? I even had to buy organic ketchup. Weird. But, now I don't know what I'll eat them...maybe some brats?

OH, and I didn't buy Ezekiel (sp?) bread. But, I did finally find (after searching) a wheat bread that doesn't have HFCS that I don't remember tasting bad. I'll let you know how it goes :)


I'm so excited!! I bought my first save the tatas t-shirt and bag. I've wanted one for a while, since the issue is so near and dear to my heart (see post below). I'll let you know when I get it!!

Blogger questions

Anyone know how to widen the columns of a layout that you got from a free website? I don't like the wasted space and narrow columns.

Also, I will add my blog reader list later this weekend. Too much work. UGH. Wish me luck!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

You may have noticed I've changed my blog layout...I chose pink to represent Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
We all know a woman that was unfortunate to have gotten breast cancer. I happen to have 3 survivors and 1 that passed away from breast cancer in my family (plus my best friend/mom to ovarian cancer). I still can't bring myself to do more than the little things (donate money and buy products that donate money to breast cancer research)...it's still too painful and just as I write this little blurb I find myself with tears in my eyes, but I hope that my little effort can help.

I heard on the radio that 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer in their lifetime. If that's true, then why can't we do more to find a cure!! One that actually cures and doesn't poison our bodies and kill good cells? I used to think that breast cancer was the survivable disease...until my aunt passed away from it. Now I know first hand it's not.

There's research out there that says that self breast exams are not actually predictive of survival rates. That there's only a couple (I think out of a hundred) difference between ones that don't and ones that do. It's easy to reduce these to numbers. I whole heartedly believe that it saved my 29 year old cousins life. Maybe she's 1 in 100 (or 10000), but if it's your life or your best friend or your mom....wouldn't it be better to take the chance? Also, this is one study. One.

SAVE THE BOOBS!! Fight for your future and life!
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P.S. I know that heart disease is the most prevalent...with it being the number one killer of middle aged and above men and women. However, it's not cardiovascular awareness month.

Walking

Now that I'm feeling a little better I'm going to start my walking again. I've been told that we're supposed to do 30 mintues/day for good heart health anyway...and that's that most important part! The second would be the little doggie I have that wants to walk so, so badly :)


Anyone wanting to join me to knock off some miles is MORE than welcome to check in with me. Every Sunday I'll re-post how many miles to go. I'm doing D.C. Washington, D.C. (cause I've been there) to Jacksonville, FL...cause it's Florida!

So far I've done @ 6 miles. So, I have 700 to go till Florida :)

cheerleader for you, on a diet

Ok. Apparently I was wrong. I'm so a cheerleader for this book it's redulculous. It explains everything I needed to know. It nerds out eating, but in a readable way, which is something I needed! Love, love, love the explainations. I was hoping it was going to help, but secretly thought it'd be like all the rest. Nope...it clicks with me.

It even explains the high fructose corn syrup stuff. The background is important, but I can't possibly tell you about it all so I'll give you the short version. Apparently HFCS doesn't shut off our hunger enzymes or chemicals in your body. Therefore, you want to eat it more and more. It's worse than sugar because at least that shuts up the hunger stuff, if only for a moment. I always heard HFCS was bad, but never knew why (and too busy, ok lazy, to figure out why). I'm sure the guest at MF's place said it, but without the long version it never made sense.

I thought once I was done with this book I was going to give it away. But, I think you'll have to get your own copy! Maybe I shouldn't give away all the good stuff then, huh?

Not a you, on a diet cheerleader

Thanks for your opinions! I suppose the message is that if it's important you should do it anyway? I knew that part, but really...I don't want to choke stuff down to be healthy. I want to enjoy food still! I'd be more likely to stick to it if it tastes at least ok...if not good.

I think what I'll do is try different whole grain breads and pastas again. I'll try Ezekiel bread if I get the chance or feel a little braver later. I just can't throw out more food that's healthy but gross...no one can afford that, but especially not on my budget!

You, on a diet. I just have to say that they really emphasize belly fat. I don't have a lot of belly fat for a bigger girl. I carry it on my hips and leggs more. They say that you *should* be below 32.5" in the waist, and anything over 37" is in a more risky level. I do have @ 32.5" and considering I weight @ 205 it's impressive to some. Until they see me try to buy pants @ a size 16-18 but still fit my waist! Anyway, I still think it's important to read the book and follow what they say. They say that they will be informing us of how food works in our body, so I'm excited to get to that part. But, in general I want to lose weight so that I don't have as many joint issues as I have (or will have). Plus, I have a family history of cardiovascular disease, so every factor I can take into my own hands needs to be addressed!
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updated 11:20am: I'm not trying to be their cheerleader (but, hey, I think I ended up doing it anyway). They promote low fat but also low refined carbs. We all know this is bad, but what makes the book more appealing for me is the reasoning they go through (historic issue plus some of the bio behind food in our body). But, here are sites so you can make up your own mind...if you even care about it :)

Barnes and nobles overview
Their Real Age Page
Recipies they posted in good housekeeping

HYC check in and questions

I haven’t made any weight progress, but definitely making progress on the area!

I'm asking my questions first since I really, really want the answers! Have you had Ezekiel bread? Do you have a substitute in mind if you don't like multigrain (the super duper healthy stuff)? (high taste buds + used to fattening foods = not loving multigrain bread) My other: does flax seed taste (more importantly...does it taste bad?)

I’ve been reading you, on a diet. Slowly. But, it’s making sense. They talked about the start of being overweight in history (Americans being over weight)...and it started NOT with fast foods but with agriculture. Why does this matter? Because it's important to realize that our bodies are made for times of hardship...and what's out there can make us fat because of how food sources have changed. It's stuff I knew, but didn't think about much. I think it'll get to a good point....just need to put together. They also had a "diet" quiz, and I scored average. As they point out, it's not bad since it's average but it's average in our country to be fat. Ouch, but true.


I am also trying to get to the book that I won (yippee), the eat-clean diet for family and kids. I won’t be reporting any recipes (except MizFit b/c she asked and gave this to me even though she doesn’t have a copy!), but I will let you know stuff about it. I like the idea…since I’d like to get back to natural type foods. Less processing and more home cooking! And the recipes aren’t that bad (of COURSE I’ve looked!), but some are questionable. I will give it a good go though. There are a few online recipies here.

anxiety

I've been thinking about my eating a lot lately. I've lost touch of when I'm truely hungry and when I'm eating for other reasons. But, it's not always like this. There have been times, in the not so distant past, where I've gotten back in touch with hunger eating. There have been times in the past where I've realized that I don't have that far to go (like I "realized" again in the post bellow). There have have been times where I've gotten control over the obsessive eating even. All this tells me is that I need to look a little bit further than I'm eating bad or I'm compulsive eating. I've been trying to address these issues instead of getting to the bottom of things.

I've begun to see a pattern with my compulsive eating. Besides the obvious issues (realizing the food will be there later, realizing I'm not really hungry, etc.), but the other issue is anxiety. I think sometimes I use food to compensate for anxiety I'm having. Especially about school. I'm a higly anxious person to begin with, but add in grad school and it's kicked into hyper drive. I think this anxiety is apart of what keeps me from doing my work ahead of time, it causes me to veg out in front of the tv and "lose" myself in shows (to ward off the anxiety or near panick), my constant checking of the blogs I follow, and I think it also contributes to eating.

Like bored or emotional eating, this type also provides a distraction. I think I use it as my way out. I've noticed lately that when I think about school and how much I have to do and how overwhelming it seems, I immediately switch to obsessing about food and about eating. WTF???!!! Is this how it is every time? I never realized it before, but maybe.

It's messed up, but at least I'm seeing the pattern now. You see, I thought I had controlled the anxiety during the day (the sleep issues are a different story...getting help for those). I thought I was doing ok in everyday life. Yeah, I don't think so. I just transfered. The next step, the harder step, is finding what to do with the anxiety. I may have to journal, I may have to seek outside help, but I have things I can do now.

Reality check

I'm beginning to feel better. Thanks for the well wishes! No shake, shake, shakin' my booty, but we did go to the fair and had a good time walkin around with my hubby. We watched the kids going on the rides, walked around the animal exhibits (except the cows...we won't get into why the hubby hates cows), and also the food. We didn't eat a lot, but it was along the lines of what I've been having lately. Junk. It didn't even taste all that great, which is just that much more irritating. now, the other food I've been eating - tasting better but so not good for me.

I've been watching discovery health's "we've lost 800 lbs." It's about two amazing women who collectively have lost 800 lbs, one with gastric bypass and one without. As an aside, if you ever think gastric bypass is the "easy way out", then watch this show or one like it on discovery health. Or I have two friends, one blogger and one not, that may be able to teach you about this one. I got to thinking though...these women have worked so hard and lost such an amazing amount. To see their struggles, emotions and amazing will was a reminder of how attainable my goals are.

One of these women was struggling to walk after complications. Really, she didn't walk that well to begin with. She had a hard time getting into the back of a van on her way to her surgery, and even felt that she couldn't do it. Get into the back of the van with help. The other woman had lymphodemia so bad on one leg after a tumor removal that she couldn't wear normal shoes and couldn't walk without the fold from above her ankle dragging on the floor. This is all besides the hundreds of pounds they've lost.

And, I'm struggling with losing a measly 40-60 more pounds! I'm struggling with the idea of one day having a little extra skin. They've lost my weight (toghether) 4 times, each two times over. It makes you wonder how we can take these things for granted and whine about our struggles. How we can feel that staying away from french fries, or ice cream can be so aweful and "unfair"! No, that's the consequence of wanting a healthier life. It's a choice. I'm hoping that this, along with the new tools I've acquired, can help me with my own mission to be healthier.

Why I didn't remember my mom's advice until commenting on another blog and seeing this makes me sad, but better late than never. She alwas said that there are so many other people that have it much worse off than you do. How can we say "poor me" given that? She also used to say that, with one exception on earth, your weight is someone elses goal weight. Appreciate what you can do now and what you have in your life.

Still sick

Still sick, but I'm getting better. AND, I didn't get work done so I'm ubber behind. Therefore, you get another installment of a happy, short, and sweet post! But, I will take a break (uh, the link below doesn't as a break since I was still at the computer, right??) from working tonight to go see KC & the Sunshine Band! Yep, I'm a dork, but my hubby brought it up so he's a bigger dork! Match made, huh?

I found a cute page for all you doggie lovers. Did I mention I was an UBBER dork? No, well I am :) Give it commands like dance, shake, fetch, roll over, etc. Dance is my favorite...make sure you at least try that one!

Now that I've sufficiently distracted you from your own work, go out and shake, shake, shake your booty :)

Blog award

So, Dr. Wifey was sweet enough to give me a blog award. I love her blog...she's very real about things and has just enough humour to keep it fun :) I would give it to her, but she already got it! I would translate it, but I don't speak portugese, so I'll steal from Dr. Wifey! It's: "This blog invests and believes in proximity." Meaning, that blogging makes us 'close' by proxy. (I think she stole it from someone else, so I guess if it's wrong we may be a few clicks away from the origin).

So....hmm....of course I'd give it to MizFit (I talk of her ALL the time, why not:), but also DaDivia Street, and Felicia's Life Happens. These women are all strong and wonderful on their own, but their blogs are informational, warm and deeply touching in very different ways.

HYC check in

Short and sweet again. I'm sick. Yes, it's inevitable...with me teaching and taking classes at a U, and my hubby taking classes, we come into contact with too many germs. Worse things in life could definately happen though.

Weight, same. but, I'm reformulating my eating plan and once I'm healthy get back to working out.

I'd still like to hear thoughts on the book (see below post), so if you've read you on a diet or you the owners manual give me a comment!

YOU on a DIET

Yes, I bought Memhet Oz's (and the other guy...sorry to the other guy!!******) book about diets. I went to buy the intuitive eating book, but he seems to have much of the same messages that the other has, although I havne't gotten very far into the book. My question: have you read this book (YOU on a DIET, not you the owners manual...although I'd like to hear about both!) and what did you think about it?

Diet's don't work for most people, but we know at least one that's had each one work so it's easy to want to jump on the band wagon of quick weight loss. The problem is that I don't know of anyone that has stuck to a diet or way of life and not gone back (even WW...sorry to those that are using it...maybe I just missed you! Feel free to tell me I'm wrong!).

Me? I lose about 15-20 pounds and then either gain it back or this time I'm here and here alone. I'm one that I either have to stick or I'm off the bandwagon, and I fall hard. As anyone who's been reading for a while knows! That's why I'm looking for something else. No magical cure, just something to make it click and please, please, please not add another thing to feel guilty about (like diets for me)...I do enough of that already.
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*****Update: Dr. Michael Roizen and Dr. Mehmet Oz. Wonderful stuff!

Weekend get away

The evil manager is coming over to inspect our tv system. My husband invited her over (I think he's just pissy at the idea of them barging over un-announced...we're private people), so we asked for it. What can she possibly tell from this though? At least she can see that we don't have a bass system hooked up anymore. I doubt it'll help. I think biding our time and day dreaming about a better living arrangement will help lots more.

On a better note...we are going away! Ok, not permenantly yet, but for the weekend :) We get to go to DFW (where the in laws are from). I'm super excited to get away from podunk (or however you spell it!) and go to the city. What's even better is that my sister in law is visiting from Houston (crappy situation of why she's there, but I'll enjoy the company regardless). AND, I'm taking Friday off so it'll be like a long weekend for me. We're not really supposed to since there is a presentation 3:30-5, but I made these plans months ago...and I refuse to feel guilty for seeing family we haven't seen since Christmas!. I just want to hit the road as soon as the hubby is done (late morning) and get out of Dodge.

So, this weekend will be spent with getting away from the crabby neighbors, good home cookin', but most importantly good company and the puppy can have fun with the in-laws doggies! I think it's just what we all need!

food - I love and loathe you...and itsn't that the problem!

So, I've got the exercise thing up and running...so far. Intertia seems to be broken though, and that's a good thing!

Food is a different story. Food is my problem, and it really shouldn't be because it's fuel for you body. When MizFit was talking about intuitive eating (or more how a program suggests you stock your kitchen with your favorite foods until you realize that you can have it whenever you want) I thought it was crazy for me. Maybe for a regular old over eater it *may* work, but me? No way. I'm a binge (aka compulsive) eater, so that may be a terrible thing. Certain foods definatley trigger binges...like the past 2 weeks when I bough potato chips and dip then tortilla chips and salsa. I gorged on them, then it was food fest 08. I won't tell you the calories one can rack in a day, but let me just say it's a lot. A whole lot.

But, I heard more one a radio talk show about intuitive eating and really making all your food available so that you don't have the freak outs that cause you to binge. Yah, like a morning talk show is a great source! BUT, they actually found an article that spouted the wonderful research associated with it...and specifically how you can get kids to binge eat or eat more of things and hate food that's good for them. It totally made sense! I am thinking about trying it. I would love to be able to have potato chips and dip in the house and have my husband enjoy them along with me. I would love to have chipped beef dip for crackers (with cream cheese and scallions...totally yummy) or cheese cake in the house and not gorge until I want to get rid of it all. I think I'll talk to a professional before taking this on myself though!

Warning, warning....major bitching, er, venting ahead!

I just have to say...it can be the best day and then one little thing happens and all of a sudden life changes. I was having a good day, considering it is Tuesday and those are my uber busy days. Anyway, I stopped to get my gate clicker reprogrammed at our apartment complex (wasn't working at all) and what happens? The manager, a fake as can be person "asks" us if we have our surround sound base against a wall. Like where else do you put surround sound speakers? I guess several people have been complaining again, and of course it's us.

We got complaints against us before - not for partying but for having the tv with surround sound too loud. So we turned the bass off of the sub and we thought life was great. Well, I guess people have still been complaining and no one told us. The thing is, how can something against an outside wall with no bass turned on piss off multiple people?? Besides the fact that you wanna know when the "roudy" activity is happening? In the afternoon. Yes, it's not at 2 in the morning or even 10 at night....it's from 3pm to 7. I thought that paying more for our apartment would mean that these issues woudlnt' be a problem, but I'm thinking that we need to move into a house rental and that's that. How can people be that petty when the "problem" is happening between 3 and 7. Give me a break children. We get to move in January. I can't WAIT till January.

Ok, done venting for now. I may feel better.

Exercise & a new walking challenge

I re-assessed my 100 push ups since I did them last. I keep talking about doing it, but never really doing it. Big talkers can be annoying, but ya...I fell into the trap. What does that mean? It means that I'm actually doing it! Today was the first day. Now, I'm starting with against a counter that's about hip high. That's just my level. I will switch to the "girly" kind, but I may not until these 6 weeks are done. Why not switch earlier, you ask? Well, I figure that I have time since I plan on exercising forever from now on. Also, plans work for me (see prior post). And, yes, I am still walking the doggie in the am for 30+ minutes (I aim for at least 30, which means I usually over shoot and do 40-ish). I'm just a challenge sort of girl.

And, here is the "challenge" in case you're wondering. It's a 30 day walking challenge, now on @ day 14. Yes, I'm late, but hey...I can challenge myself. I think my goal will be to walk every day until Christmas instead? OR, maybe I will log my miles like I talked about before and see how far I can get. My mom used to have a forum online where they logged miles (collectively, but hey...it works) from NYC to Ft. Lauderdale. How fun would it be to see where we could go! I think that's my new goal. Anyone wanting to join me feel free to hop along :) But, in case it's me alone (and I only walk for 30-40 minutes now), I think I'll make it from Washington, D.C. (cause I've been there) to Jacksonville, FL. It's still a way long way to go (706 miles), but at least I can do that in a year! (The other was 1272, which if I go 2 miles/day it'd take over 600 days. Wowser. Maybe I'll do that next time...or if I KNOW I have help :)

So far I've done @ 6 miles. So, I have 700 to go till Florida :)

Working Out

I don't know why, but I can't seem to make myself do the Couch 2 5 K (instead of couch 2 couch). Well -maybe that's not true. Maybe that's because I have back isssues and get shin splints. Maybe because I'm lazy and have a hard time putting forth the effort. Either way, it's not a good motivator to start exercising.

I found out yesterday about a walking challenge (30 minutes/day for 30 days). Now walking, I can do. Besides, I talked about taking the doggie for a walk every day back when I started this blogging thing, so that works for me. Why is it that inertia is terrible when just needing to work out, but you put it in a "challenge" and suddenly it's do-able. Whatever the reason, I will take it and run.

OH, did I mention that Miss Gretchen (my mini schnauzer) and I went for a walk this morning? Ya, that's how fast it worked :) I think I need to just see challenges around the internets (there's always ONE going on) and piggyback. It worked a while back when I did the Woman's Challenge (8 weeks of 10,000 steps for at least 5 of 7 days), so why not take that and run?

Score!

You women (and men) are so great. So inspirational. I guess this shows a little about me, huh? I'm not always Debbie downer, but I am anxious and worry about things. But, why not focus on the now and wait to freak out later, huh? Focus on the now. ok. So today....

I won a book :) Isn't that awesome!!! I never win things like this. Totally brightened my so far fairly crappy week (we won't even go there!). I forgot I had entered a contest when I posted at MizFit's place, so double bonus! The book is: The Eat-Clean Diet for Family & Kids. I've been assured that it is great even if you don't have kids (I have a hubby that doesn't eat good food...does that count? ;) Maybe it'll give me a boost too. And help with the 6 meals/day. YIKES! I will let you know what I think and how it turns out once I'm done!

Physical Appearance

A post I read yesterday got me started about appearances and losing weight. Granted I haven't lost a lot of weight yet, but I already am seeing saggier arms and stretch marks in my arms and hips (had those already though, thanks so much puberty!). I'm sure it'll be on my belly too :( If you're like me, you of feeling good, but also looking so fabulous once you're smaller and healthier that people will stop on the streets asking us if we're super models. Ok, most of us may not be that unrealistic, but really...we expect to have healthy looking bodies.



Instead, some of us are troubled with sagging skin, lets be serious...boobs too, and stretch marks all over. Instead of being confident about our bodies (like we dreamed of being every second of working out), some of us are even more unsure about them. Sure, we look better in our clothes, but what about the bikini we longed to wear? What about the cute belly button rather than a saggy sad face? The reality is that most of us are not going to look like we're a 16 year old cheerleader. Sad and cruel, but I realize I will not at least. Look at the almighty Oprah...she proudly displayed her "angel wings", I believe she called them. How brave is that!?!

How do we reconcile this and feel good about us all over? Most of us will not be rich enough to afford plastic surgery, ignoring the fact that most of us do not WANT to get it done (side effects are a bitch). what do we do? I would rather live longer and look a little saggy than to die in 10 years fat and plump and no stretch marks. Doesn't that sound good...being healthyt. Not having a heart attack? I've hear they're painful.

But, I also want to feel amazing about myself. Especially after tackling a feat like losing 50 pounds (hopefully more!) in a year or two!! I want to enjoy bein fit and not be stuck with feeling even worse than I did when I was fat.

Maybe the key is to focus on health. Maybe it's to focus on how good you look in clothes. I don't know, but I think it's something we push out of our head until it starts happening. And it's a sore spot for a lot of us...I KNOW it's not just me! But, it's something we rarely talk about. How do you get over it? Do you have fears of this (those of us that are working on being chubby no more!!). Do any of you expert (or not so expert) types have suggestions? I'm going to guess that weight lifting will be on the menu...to ensure the sag is just skin and tighten things. What do you think?

Trying to make low carb living work!

I did start the south beach "diet" (or a version of it...apparently drinking milk is bad, but I refuse to give it up at all...bones, people!!). I did ok but let it go the past few days. Things I did notice: I wasn't as hungry throughout the day. I feelt good (sugar makes me feel weighed down). I didn't mind the food - I got some good ideas at MizFit's place! Ya...uber plugs to MizFit, but I get so many good suggestions from her blog....so many people offer stuff, and she has great advice too. Win, win :)

I also got a wonderful suggestion from Dr. Wifey (thanks!). It's found here (called Kalyn's Kitchen) and she provides the best looking recipies around! I just had to share...I was THAT excited about it :) I figure what I'll do (to keep me on track and to try new things) is to try a recipe of hers or other places that are healthy and let you know how they turn out. I'm excited for this...I think I have a good idea of how to make this work...it seemed so far fetched before (i'm an admitted carb addict...love, love, love french fries and potato chips)!

One I got from MizFit's (don't remember who suggested it, so sorry if it's you!) is an egg mix, kind of mini quiche without the crust (I talked about this before, just not at length). Using muffin tins (I used liners too - makes less clean up) put your desired filling. I used ham and shredded cheese and in a different one feta and spinach, but also am thinking about turkey sausage with cheese or something like that. Then pour in an egg mix (egg, duh huh?, but also some milk product for fluffyness, salt and pepper to taste, etc.). Bake @ 350. I found out I cooked them too long, leading to flattening upon setting, but I think 25 minutes should do. I'll let you know. The cool thing about this is that you can easily take them in the a.m., especially if you use regular muffin liners so that you can nuke it. I'm always pressed for time in the am, so if I can have a handy breakfast to take with me then I won't be tempted to eat fast food!

The randomness of food

You know when someone is doing a big shift in food (presumably when they're eating better?) when they have a ton (literally) of questions.

Random question # 1 :) Why is everyone getting greek yogurt. Is there something special about it? Why not natural or just organic yogurt?

2: PB2...still a good thing? Anyone try it (I know you have MizFit:)? The problem with stuff like this is that I would probably have to order it, so shipping is a -itch. I will try to find it in the hole (not whole...who'd have thunk that I write academic papers!) that is my town though.

3: I tried natural peanut butter and didn't like it (sugar and processing addicts are the worst, aren't they). Does almond butter have any of the gritty consistancy like that? Anyone know?

Geesh, huh? They never end, do they? :) I suppose I should suck up the money and just try it already, but around here the almond butter is $10. My health is worth it, it's just that if I hate it then I'm out a larger chunk.

I got some good suggestions about food on the lovely MizFit's site. One lady said to put either ham and cheese or fetta and spinach (can't remember which...I did both :) into a metal cupcake tin holder and add an egg mix (I just did egg with some seasoning and a little milk? was I wrong?) and bake it @350. When I took it out of the oven they were nice and puffy. After sitting for 15 minutes they were flat :( This is why I don't cook, but since they tasted good I figured they'd be alright.

I grew up on processed foods (or meat and potatos)...and the MIL is a very southern cook. Ah, I guess I just need a little help. I'm thinking of going to couples cooking or some class like that...but I can't seem to find my free time. If anyone finds it, please send it back to me!!!

others health, tats, and my health all in one post :)

What a week! It's been exciting, stressful, and sad all at the same time. When I was younger, there were years and years when health issues and family stuff was so minor it was rediculous. Now, it seems like everyone gets sick (chronic and acute, but mostly chronic) around every turn. My mother in law is having more health issues...which if she adds one more I swear the guiness book of world records will be contacting her. Or ripley's believe it or not. And, that's just one person! We've had more people sick and pass away lately (and people we're both realy close too), along with other events that I can't talk about here. I'm started to be more suprised when things don't happen. Is this the joy of being an adult? It was literally 3 years ago when it started. I hit 27 and BOOM. I wouldn't trade my life for anything (I have had some amazingly wonderful things happen too), but sometimes I wish we could have a few years of silence. But, it'd probably come at too big of a cost, wouldn't it? I'm too lucky to complain though, I just needed a moment. On to funner things.

I am 30 and got my first tattoo! It's not little either. Ok, I'll just show you!

It's huge (remember...this is a size 16 woman here), but isn't it gorgeous? Just what I wanted. I've been wanting a tat for about 11 years now, with this specific one in mind for 7 months. I think I was ready :) Next is a froggie tattoo for my mom...they were her favorites. Let me tell you though, the next one won't be on a spot that's quite that sensative, and it won't be that big! Let me just say, it didn't feel like puppy kisses!! (no that's not what I was expecting, but can you imagine how great that'd be? That's assuming you love tats too, huh?)

I am starting my work out routine back up tomorrow! I won't have the morning time like I thought I would be able to (why yes, dr. advisor, I will work whenever you want because I'm your slave ;) ). However, I will have more time on MWFSat so that's still on. I'm starting the 100 push ups again, only instead of plank or even girly I am doing it against a lower counter and I'll work my way up to girly then plank. And, instead of unstructured working out I think I'll try the C25K program. That one is variable though, just because i have hip and shin splint problems (seperate, not together!). I will definately keep you posted on this one!

Lunchity time

Thanks for all the great comments :) I'm still going to have stress...it's a PhD so I can't expect not to, but hopefully the encompasing, losing sleep, anxiety will be out the window.

I was hoping that you lovely folks could help me out. I'm having issues with eating healthier and working at a university where there are so many bad (yet yummy) food choices to be made. We have a pizza stand (where it's really good), chic-fil-a (yummy waffle fries), oriental and a hot sub place with the best fries imagineable (see my french fry problem?). We have healthier choices too, but they're not as good and let's face it, they don't pay grad students the millions we deserve :) I've been eating frozen meals and soup, which I know are not all that great for you (sodium, preservatives, etc.). What do you do (if you go to work and pack a lunch) or what good ideas could you suggest? I still want to do lower carb, but it's more trying to get rid of bad carbs. So, I'll have enriched bread, no sugar added peaches (or apple sauce), etc.

Thanks!

HYC check in

Weight and health wise...Im still at 205, which I consider great so far. I still am working on doing my plan of action, but some of it is not in action...just theory.

On a different front, I just switched advisors for the 3rd time (3rd new line of research as well...ugh), but I'm so excited about it. I've been doing stuff that wasn't my passion so the dissertation didn't seem do-able. Talk about a panick attack! But, now? Totally can see how it'll play out. You have NO idea how much that decreased my anxiety. I feel like I can start to focus on other things besides this terror of a degree...I feel like me a little again and that all the hard work will play out and will be much more pleasant. Dare I say that I can be happy in the moment? Possibly. Only time will tell :)

Keeping myself in the present

I did it...I got my lazy butt off the computer and worked out yesterday. I didn't strain though, so it means walking at a decent pace (3.5/hr), biking a little and then small amounts of weights. It felt good, but it was a struggle. I do best when I get going in the morning before the other part of my brain veto's the whole idea. But, it's a start.

EAting, well, we won't talk about that yet. I overestimated my ability to start this while it's still summer break and it's that tom. But, I will keep trying. One meal doesn't = totally blown.

I'm just having a hard time getting the gumption to do things right now. One problem in particular is this PhD I'm going for. I know I don't talk about personal stuff all that much, but it's what's keeping me right now. If I could do things over again I would have finished my bachelors in C.S. and be done with the rest of schooling, but alas that's not how everything worked out. I'd also have started healthy eating habits when I didn't have as much to lose either (while we're in make believe land), but this is the card I chose. If I was different then I wouldn't have my hubby or my puppy or my friends here or any of the fun things too. The problem is that I feel like my life is on hold until I have a career and we have money for a house. What's going to happen when I have all those things? Is it ever enough to get what you want? Fears about not getting it are there too.

It's the same thing about being healthier. I can't help but long for the future where my goals fall into place (some mythical land I'm guessing) instead of being good with the now. But, that's not healthy either, is it? I have to be happy with what I have and who I am right now instead of longing for the future. But, I'm doing hard work now in hopes for a future, so how can I help but look forward to when it will FINALLY pay off? How do I remain content with what we have now while still wanting more? I guess I have to enjoy my life and my body now. Appreciate what I have.