New Blog

I'm missing some of you! lol. If you're still interested in reading my rambles, please go to:

http://dianasjourneythroughlife.blogspot.com/

I will not be posting on this one again.
I hope to see you there, and sorry to be a pain!

Change of address

I'm going to be a pain in the butt now :) I have decided to move my blog...er, to change blogs. The new one will be here: http://dianasjourneythroughlife.blogspot.com/

It will reflect the fact that I'm not out to change my body...I need a total body, mind, soul revamp :) This was already reflected in my posts (so nothing will change besides the url).
I also needed the change as blogger was being a butthead about changing my email address. If I've emailed you I'll let you know the change. I hope to see y'all on the other site!

End of exams :) and the disillusionment of the niceness of bloggers :(

Qualifying exams just ended today, so maybe (?) my blogging will resume. My brain hurts (I know, brains don't have pain receptors. Try explaining that to my head though :). But, I want to thank you for your support.

Even if I haven't posted, I have kept up with y'all. After all, it probably kept me a little sane(r)!
I posted my support of a blog called we are the real deal before. Recently there has been some contraversy over there like no other I have ever seen on a blog. But, maybe that's because I surround myself with such supportive and inspiring women like most of you reading this post!

Go read it for yourself if you like Jerry Springer shows! Here's the run down if you don't have time or energy for that sort of thing. The creater decided to openly attack a digruntled, rude blogger. While I agree with most of the creator's message in that just because the contributors are thinner and attractive doesn't mean that they can't contribute to the struggles we all face. After all, body image issues and body acceptance is for everyone. However, i don't agree with responding to rude people in such a public mannor with such obvious rudeness/retalliation. And the things she said sounded (although she denies it) like a rant and anger post that you usually want to take back later.
Ok. We're all human and say crappy things. She apologized for part of it, and while I think there was more to apologize for, whatever. I was willing to put that aside, but the commenters remained on a ranting raging bash of the creator that the site is moving from one of potential greatness to one of hate and, as said before, bashing. *sigh*

I guess I wanted to "voice" this concern. I'd love to hear your take on all of this. For one, do you think that comment moderation is necessary? Does one troll hurt the quality of the blog as a whole by upsetting peope? And two, I've never had this problem, but I think I'd just ignore a rude person if I didn't moderate. How about you? Can't we all just support each other????

Out of order

I will be on temporary hiatus until I am done with qualifying exams (After the 14th) or drop out of school. Whichever comes first. If my brain explodes, I'll have my husband let y'all know.
(I'll still read your blogs...and even comment most of the time)

Boobs?

No, it's not october yet! But, you should be doing breast checks every month. For most women with breast cancer it's how they catch it before it becomes a later stage. Keep in mind that it doesn't have to be a solo event!!  too far? See my post last october! 

Just a friendly reminder :)

Recent reads

I wrote this already...and it got lost to the Internet gods. So, I'll do it again.

There are a couple of things that that me thinking today (hopefully more than a couple :), but two of them I will share with you!).

One: people can be incredibly rude and cruel. Especially on the Internet where they can sit comfortably behind their computers and criticize others anonymously (even if you provide a name, without an email address or blog page it counts as anonymous). What for? What crime was committed? Venting and talking about their personal life and current frustrations on their own blog.

Y'all have been awesome with me. Heaven knows I've deserved a harsh word or a slap on the face with some of my crazy ideas. But, everyone I talk with is very respectful and calmly states their opinions if they don't agree. I like that :) I hope I extend the same courtesy to you. There have been several times that I've read a blog and felt that I couldn't say anything nice so I stopped myself from saying anything at all. Why can't others do the same?


Furthermore, if you don't like the way the blog is changing, STOP READING IT. If you don't like that I'm not focusing on weight loss but trying to get over emotional and binge eating...you should stop reading my blog! It's mine and I'll write what I want.


Telling the person they're ridiculous for blogging about different issues as time passes is ignorant and mean. My blog list has changed quite a bit since I've started. If you one day stop reading mine, we don't have to break up. Feel free to go in peace. Now, if we talk on the phone or email, please let me know! Blog reading doesn't have those rules!


**what fueled this? A wonderful writer and blogger (Roni) was attacked and criticized (the first one was an attack, the other 3 or 4 were bashing her) for changing from a weight loss blog to posting about personal struggles and maintaining. They said she had too much going on and too much whining, which I don't think is true. Regardless it was not very necessary or helpful, so what's the friggin' point?

Whew, now that I got that out of the way:)

Two: I read an amazing interview over America's Moral Panic Over Obesity. I don't agree with everything that the dude said about obesity (like I fully support the people that have had weight loss surgery and do think there is a point to is...for some people), but there were some pretty provocative ideas there. And, I think it's a great start. Is there any way to get others to really change their minds and believe the message though? I hope so. Maybe if Oprah bought into it or the Today show. Given that I don't watch tv (only movies and old tv shows with no commercials at the moment), I'll never know if it hits more main stream.

Strength

You are stronger than you think you are.

Older women

I posted yesterday about older men and which ones were up and coming as the "new" distinguished older, sexier men. There was no agenda there besides a conversation I had with my husband and a male friend of ours. Yea, I make them talk girl talk too. Don't' feel bad for them, most of our conversations revolve around cars. Once in a while I need a testosterone break.
But, it got me thinking about the other gender. What about the women? Why do we not get to grow more sexy as we age. Well, let me rephrase that for all of you cougar and puma lovers out there - why do we get pressure to look and act younger while men get more distinguished. Like with Somethings gotta give. See that if you haven't. It's one of my favorites.

Why is aging so bad for women? When I was @ 22 I had numerous friends who would use anti aging cream and lotion their bodies in fear of stretch marks and wrinkles. Why are we so afraid of imperfection? Why is a wrinkle an imperfection for a woman and not for a man? I blame it partially on media.

Why was Blanche from the golden girls, who lied and said she was younger, the only one to get guys? OK, she was a bit of a, um, promiscuous woman. But, really...only the "young" looking older women are revered. So many people are after the younger looking celebrities to know their secrets. We're fascinated with them. Want to be them. They're the ones we talk about, while the distinguished men look age appropriate.

Do you think it's us? Is it a confidence thing?

But, older means more than wrinkles. Like I've said before...I doubt I'd go back if I could. I know, I'm hardly old at the age of 31, but really...my younger years were so difficult. I had a lot of relationship problems (with friends, lovers, family, myself), and I really would not relive those for anything! I like what I have now...my marriage, my up and coming career, etc. That I'm growing as a person. I have nothing completely figured out, but I've learned so much. With each year I'm more comfortable with myself and my relationships. There's a lot less impossible questions and a lot more discoveries. OH, but really...couldn't I have my age and less debt? lol.

My friend told me once that she loved the lines she was getting on her face. It meant that she laughed a lot :) I didn't agree with her then (my alien alert went off...she was a freak of nature for saying that back then), but I do now. That's how I'm choosing to see my "imperfections". I laughed, so I have wrinkles.

Older men & random thoughts

Is it just me, or has Burt Reynolds taken over Sean Connery's distinguished, sexy older gentlemen spot?

And, did Anthony Hopkins take himself out of the running by playing Hannibal Lecter?

Random conversations with friends :) And, really, I don't have enough face to face girl friends.

boredom eating

I have posted about the being left alone with my thoughts issue before, but a blog or article I read a week or two ago (if it was you...I apologize...I really can't remember. note to self, write immedately after a thought provoking post is written! Cite it too!!) was talking about when and why people over eat. More specifically, they were saying that boredome eating is not just boredom eating. That it is another form of emotional eating. That there is something underlying the "boredom".


Is that true? Do we not every get bored and eat? Maybe not. If I'm honest with myself (or paying enough attention) then I'd say that I eat when I'm "bored" to ignore the anxiety I'm feeling...or the anxiety I would be feeling if I didn't "veg" out in front of the tv with a bag of chips and guacamole or spaghetti or baked french "fries". I know that there are times I have a hard time being left alone with my thoughts. I'm doing yoga to help with that.

But, certainly others are truely just bored? What do you think?

Your brain isn't working right

First off, the Marley (the puppy) is doing great. Up to her usually tricks :) It's amazing how much these little fur balls get into our hearts. So quickly too.

I just read today about a new food thing. It is a tasteless, odorless thing that you sprinkle on your food. Allegedly (gotta love that word!), it sends a signal to your brain to stop eating earlier than would usually happen. Why? Because, according to the scientists, our brains don't shut off the "I want food" signal until after a considerable amount has been eaten. You're brain isn't working correctly.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think it would be a great thing, on the other hand I feel like it's another "miracle" weight loss drug/cure that won't work...at least for long. Then there's the fact that how many people out there are overweight merely because the mechanisms in their brain don't shut off in time? There's a lot of talk on blogs around here about compulsive eating and emotional eating. The same thing with people in my day to day life (most of who don't know my personal history with compulsive eating, my blog, my quest to become "normal" with eating, etc.). Most of these people are desperate to lose the weight. Most of these people have tried everything and gained it back. Not one was "just" someone who's brain didn't shut off in time. It also doesn't solve that a lot of us have poor food choices.

I just worry about the message this sends. That overweight is a medical/brain mechanism disorder and not other issues underlying it. That there's a quick cure.

If it works I'll buy stock and praise it's glory. Until then...
And, no...I don't have the link where I found it. Long story, but if I hear of it again I'll let you know.

Give Away

The happy runner is having a give away. Not me...remember, I'm cheap!

Win a cereal with the ingredients of your choice from @MojaMix. They are one of the new companies that lets you pick the ingredients YOU want. Which is awesome.
Go to http://thehappyrunner.blogspot.com to participate.

I think I *get* it now

I didn't before. I was trying to talk the talk, but always falling short. But, I get it. I get what I have to do. What this is all about.

I was apart of an online community (duh? Aren't you online now?yes, but I meant a site with a forum and guidelines) a few months (maybe more?) ago. A way to get people to react normally to food and feel better about themselves. It's not about losing weight. It's about being healthy with all aspects with yourself.

You start off by eating what you want. In front of people. Not necessarily giving into binges, but giving yourself permission to eat what you want. Then, recognize why you eat when you eat what you eat. Then it goes on from there (if you want the skinny I'll send you to their site). The whole point though is to realize that food is food. It holds no more power than that. Plain and simple. And, that self esteem and self worth have nothing to do with thinness or what you eat. To be proud of who you are for you. Now. The same message that many of you preach all the time. I agreed, shaking my head yes, standing up and cheering...but still felt badly when I over ate. Or when I ate "bad" things. I just got to the point where I would keep it inside locked away instead of visibly feeling bad.

I heard the words, but full understanding didn't happen until a day or two ago.
For me, the scales have been tipped. Finally. I heard the message one more time and I *got* it. That I am beautiful now. That I am enough. That I am smart. Nothing is riding on weight loss and getting healthier BESIDES losing some pounds and getting healthier. *I* won't change or it won't fix the things I'm unhappy about because they have nothing to do with losing weight. And, there's nothing to fix there. Yes, I'd like to nag less. I'd like to be more diligent. But, I'm not broken. I just have some stuff to work on.

I'd still like to lose weight for all the reasons I said before...to ward off cardiovascular problems, for stamina throughout the day, to buy clothes :) But, there is a real chance that I won't. After all, many people don't succeed in keeping it off. I've seen it myself with family members and friends...and the statistics are shocking. I think I'm ok with that. It's taken a while to think about and come to terms with. But, I've been this weight for a long time now. I'll be ok if I remain here. I've seen so many people struggle to lose weight and never really get there. Waiting for the weight to come off to live, but always obsessing and never REALLY enjoying life. I can't and won't do that any more. I will enjoy the things I am doing, what I'm eating, who I am. And be me.

I am introverted. I don't make friends easily (have a hard time finding people I can *really* trust). I'm ok with that. It's me, and the center of attention has never been my thing. Even if I got thinner, would that make me an extrovert? no. I'd be a thinner introvert who doesn't make friends easily, but has a great support system and people that care about her. Just.like.now. I would still be slightly neurotic. I'd still nag my hubby when he leaves things around the house. I would, and do, and it's me. I would still have my history, my life now, approximately the same future. Everything about my life would remain the same. I'd just have smaller clothes...and maybe more places to shop at.

I still want to eat healthier and exercise more. It makes me feel physically better. It gives me an outlet (exercise, not eating healthier :). I still want to *beef* up my veggie intake. I'm planning on eating less junk food. But, again, because I want to feel better. Get my energy up. Sleep better. But, if I want french fries, a hot dog (eew, I know, but yummy!), potato chips, dessert? I will have it. And, I don't give a rats behind what anybody thinks. Because I'm allowed to eat what I want. I'm allowed to make my own choices. I'm allowed to be me.

Body Image Blog

I know most of you already read Miz Fit's blog (especially as I've met several of you on her site), but in the off chance there is one of you out there...there is a new blog that she and others out there have put together about body image and accepting you for you! You can find it here. http://watrd.wordpress.com/ It touches on all the issues I have with the hidden intent I had for title of my blog (said it was for being healthier, but if I'm being real then I'd admit it wasn't entirely true). Or the desperation that we feel to be perfect and thin. With the struggles I'm still having even though I talk the talk. Being a better you or more like doing what you want to be doing...that's one thing, but trying to be perfect and equating that with thin? Nope. What I've read so far...inspiring, controversial, supportive, and right on the track I believe is most important.

French Fries :)

I'm looking for healthier recipies all the time. Ones that taste good. I found one for my beloved french fries. YAY.

I love french fries (in case you've forgotten the last time I mentioned it..like every month!). I have issues with staying away. It's a problem. BUT, I found a healthier version that I actually like better. Easy stuff. Just cut up a potato. Toss in olive oil and salt. Bake @ 375-400 each side for 8-10 mintues. Tada. Now, if you find a healther version of Ketchup please let me know! One that tastes good might help as well :)

Is there a place that you go to get healthier recipies? What's your favorite? I would love to know! I have a couple of sites, but not a lot that are realistic for my life style, budget, etc.

Pets

I was told yesterday that my puppy more than likely had distemper and would die yesterday within 2-24 hours. I'm completely grateful they were wrong.

Our new puppy was acting weird. She was bobbing her head back and forth (so not really bobbing, but lack of a better word) and almost falling over when she was sitting. Took her to a new vet (ours couldn't get her in) and that's what they said. It would be hours. I was devistated. Completely. Layed on the couch with her all morning and afternoon. @ 4 we got her up to eat and drink. Immediately after she played with her sister and acted normal. Same again today. Our vet (got her in this morning) said it may have been a pesticide or herbicide. Crazy. Just to be careful, she's not allowed to go for walks until after Monday when she gets her booster.

I can't imagine having a non-fur baby. I doubt I could handle all the stress! We won't even talk about emotional eating!

Grateful

I'm grateful today for:

1. My wonderful husband being supportive of my crazy journey that is PhD
2. my new "puppy" learning that potty doesn't happen in the house! No messes for 3 days and counting!
3. Starburst jelly beans. Yummy! Totally made my day finding them at big k
4. Figuring out that I may pass my exams after all!
5. of course, y'all :)

These are the things that went totally right today.
What are you grateful for today?

P.S. Felice/the happy runner: I was able to read your post on google reader, but not able to get to your page (either the blog home page or the post page). Don't know why it keeps doing that to me...usually it kicks me off if I click the post page, but not the blog home page...but not suck luck this time :( Good luck finding races closer to home!

Fruit and veggies

Did I tell you I started Yoga? I have a video that I'm doing. I think it'll really help with feeling better on the inside. And outside. Keep the angry monkey away :) I just started though, so we'll see later. Everything works well the first couple of weeks, doesn't it?

Onto the title of this post. Veggies and fruits. Ah, beloved fruits are no issue. I love them. And, I have a ton of ideas on how to incorporate more. Is it really that hard? Eat them plain, in pancakes, in smoothies, in oatmeal...the list goes on and on. Blueberries, strawberries, mangos, grapes, oranges...yummmy! But, veggies? Eeeeek.

Would it really be that bad if I get most of my servings from fruits and for the most part ignore the veggies? After all, they're usually lumped together, so I can just chose to get it all from fruit. NO? Ok. But, I have a hard time getting in the veggies. I know some of you struggle with this as well as I've read you say the same things!

Some things I've done. Lately I'm *fairly* into an "oriental" salad with chinese cabbage as the base. Totally yummy, with a home made dressing and you toast almonds with ramen noodles, then add the packet (although I'm thinking adding 1/2 the packet would be healthier AND better tasting). There's baby carrots, but I need them with ranch...which I hear isn't the best! OH, and using romain leaves for the "shell" of a burrito/taco thing. That one is my new favorites I've been eating fairly regularly...dont' forget the picante sauce! yum. And then there's squash. I just got that and am excited about it. It cooks great in the indoor grill (you know who's :) with just a little bit of salt, pepper and olive oil. OH, and spinach and fetta "pizzas". Cook them on a flat bread in the oven. Totally good, and if you use fresh spinach leaves it gives it a great texture and not too soggy. That's really all I've got. It's all great on it's own, but what about sneaking it in every day?

Do you struggle with veggies as well? (I just pictured y'all arm wrestling broccoli...hehe...I hope you win!) What tips do you have for "sneaking" it in?

Complaining and working on things

That title is funny. I don't mean that I'm complaining here (that's a first! lol), what I mean is that it is something I'm working on. Felice over at the happy runner posted the other day that she was going complaint free. What? Complaint free? As in no bitching, complaining or being disgruntled? It sounded easy enough, but deceptively so. I immediately knew I had to try it. After all, I posted back in the day that I thought my friend complaining about her now husband was causing issues with me and my hubby. It does spread, and only perpetuatues more unhappiness and, well, more complaining!

I expected it to be a little difficult. I didn't expect just how difficult it would be! I find myself doing it all the time. I found little to say to a friend the other day when we hung out. Very sad. And, it's been creeping in. Doesn't help that I was attempting it at that tom. Still.

So, I'm working on not being disgruntled. Part of the problem may be that I didn't have a contingency plan. But, what do you do instead? I've started doing slow, deep breathing techniques when I'm stressed. But, in everyday story telling? It all just sounds like complaining. When I figure out a good alternative activity I'll let you know! ;)

I'm also starting up a self esteem booster journal (a book I bought...helps with that respect). It's to try and correct some things I'm not so happy about in my life. Stopping the negativity talk and being so hard on myself. I would like to relax, believe in myself, and be happier all around. I think this is a step in the right direction. Just like I said a while back (a week ago? who knows...I could look, but eh..), my food issues (most people's too?) stem from a lot of other issues. It's a symptom, not an entity of its own. So, I'm working on it. Maybe the no complaining pact will help.

So, have you ever tried not complaining? Have you thought about it at all? Have you conquered that issue already? Inquiring minds want to know :) If not, I suggest you do it...if only for a couple of days.

Fatty foods

Mama Bear June posted the most shocking, yet informative, links today. She found articles at men's health mag's website that post the worst foods.

The transfattiest foods in America

and also the 30 worst foods in America

If you haven't seen these...check them out. It's quite shocking. I never would have guessed that some of these things were THAT bad for you. Thanks, June!! I guess I'll need to think twice about what I shove in my pie hole :)
If you haven't been to her blog, go check it out! She's great for posting informative links on her site, and has great tips and updates about her success story of getting healthier!

4th of July

I hope you all have a fabulous Independence day and that you are lucky enough to spend it with your loved ones! Be safe, be healthy, but be very happy too :)

Believe

WARNING, WARNING, rant ahead. I will let you know when it's done so you can skip ahead if you'd like!
OK. So I'm pissed about my vehicle and need to vent about it. The stupid jerks at the dealership that did our oil change last time stripped the drain cap. When we went to get it changed at another place they told us of this and wouldn't touch it. Couldn't really. Go back to above dealership and they said that there's no way to tell whos to blame and they won't do anything compensation wise. They will take a look at the car, but if it's really stripped it could cost starting at 250 and up. WHAT?? That on top of the car getting hit three times in the last few months. WTF!!!! And, it's leaking oil. Probably from the drain cap. GRRR. THEN, oh it gets even better, my hubbys tire has a nail in it. Not a problem, but he has special tires that are really wide and a little thinner. The place we got them won't put a plug in it because it's not safe with those tires. So that'll be another 350. I think the financial gods are pooping all over us.
END OF RANT


Ok, so as you can tell I'm working on anger issues. lol. That's my new big project. That and negative self talk. I had forgotten all about focusing on this. It was my goal for this year. Does it really take constant focus? Sometimes. But, I haven't been doing too good of a job lately. Mostly I ignore it and forget about stuff like being nice to myself. Miz Fit had some good advice...would you ever let a stranger talk to you like this? If not, then maybe you shouldn't!!

The problem with the negative self talk is that it has caused problems in all areas of my life. I have problems with being assertive, even as a teacher, but especially with my courses I take and with professors. It's getting better, but still needs work. It also is with being assertive with people I encounter, like the stupid guy at the dealership. My husband has to do these things for me. Anything involving confrontation at all is really difficult. The other issue, and one that relates to why I have this blog...it also impacts how I eat and how much I eat. Like comfort foods and compulsive eating.

If only I could really get more confidence. And, if only I could really and truely believe in myself. How can a girl get to her last year of PhD school and still sometimes wondering if she's good enough? How can I be 31 and still feel every once in a while that I'm not enough? I'm proud of myself for the steps that I've made, but still would like to make it more of a focus now.

I'm hoping to get some easy tips, but already have some ideas from operation beautiful and others. However, I think I'm going to take up my book about compulsive eating. I think the exercises in that can really help. and am willing to give it another try.
Some of them are just weird though. Like watch yourself eating in the mirror for a while. Something about being comfortable with it and not being ashamed. Have you tried it? How long can you last?

The others have to do with positive self esteem. I think the book is more about stopping hating our bodies, but it all works towards what I want. To eat "normally", and yes to stop hating my body and feeling guilty all the time. Feeling anxious.

I do have a nsv to report though...gotta end on a happy note, right? :) The hubby and I went to a restaurant and we had not so healthy foods (obviously not the nsv), but I was able to leave food on my plate. Actually more food than I have left in a while! Including my ever beloved french fries! YAY ME!!!

Operation Beautiful

Once again I've forgotten my original blog post meant to write today and found myself thinking about one of Miz Fit's topics. On the off chance that I have one single reader that doesn't know the awesomeness of Miz Fit, then I think you should go to her site. She's talking about Operation beautiful. Have you heard about it already? Where one woman wants it to be all of our missions to pass on something nice for a stranger. It's about helping people realize their beautiful and quiting the negative self talk. Simply brilliant. Totally got tears...especially the message "You are enough!" Why do we struggle with these things? Isn't it about time we stopped?

Here's Miz Fit's site

Operation Beautiful

Operation Beautiful Movie

Marley :)

We did get the puppy!! She's @ 5 months old. Believe it or not, they gave us the dog free along with a colar, leash, bed, doggie bowls, a toy and a small brush. This was a dog they found on the road. I thought it was too good to be true, but so far so good...pink gums, clear eyes, clean ears (can see scars where flease and ear mites were, but the bugs are gone now)...loveable and freely goes on her back, lets us hold her paws, lots of puppy kisses and playful. Everything I could ask from a puppy! Just one more test, vet visit monday, and we'll be good to go! I believe we lucked out big time...so far. OH, and is on her way to being potty trained.

Here are pics from the "foster" mom.

Adorable, isn't she!? She's really more of a rat terrier/weenie mix (or something like that as she's very small with a long body and long head. I'll take better pics eventually. Whatever she is, she's an absolute love!

Yes, I think we're naming her Marley Ireland (Marley, after Bob Marley, not the dog show...so irritated that they had to use that name!). Our other dog is Gretchen Wednesday, so we're "those" people. lol.

PUPPY!

I think we're getting a puppy!! :) Can you tell I'm a *little* excited? OK, I'm about to wet my pants I'm so excited, but I thought that might be tmi ;) LOL. Not a puppy, puppy, but a @5-6 month old! She's a little bull terrior/weiner dog (?) mix. The (?) is because the current foster mom doesn't know. But, she looks like a miniature spuds mckenzie (more spots though) only without the "fat" nose, more of a narrow (weiner dog or fox teriror) nose. Cutie. And, we meet her tomorrow, so cross your fingers that it all works out!

How does this relate to health? Puppies need exercise! lol. Especially 2 puppies...as most of you know, we already have the one (miniature schnauzer).

Besides, mental health is important too...and your doggie breaking your heart every time she sees another dog is no good. Literally gets on her hind leggs at the end of her leash and cries to play...unless I catch her early, then she just whines and gives me the saddest little face. Mopes after visiting the in-laws and their dogs. So sad/pathetic. Almost as sad/pathetic as I am when I see other doggies. Not anymore though :)

Give away!

No, it's not me. I'm WAY too cheap for that! 

But, Natalia's blog turns a year old! To celebrate, she is giving away one of her sister's dog tag jewelry pieces. You can put a word (maybe two?) on it to help you get inspired or just to remind you of whatever you need to be reminded of. lol. 

How to win? Go here to her blog. Post about it on your blog. Become a fan of the jewelry on facebook. 3 chances. 

Congrats, Natalia!! I'm so glad to have "met" you and hope you have another year of great self discoveries and freeing moments :)

Resetting

One bonus to being sick...you kind of reset your appetite. Not just in that I didn't eat for 2 days and was queezy a little bit after, but more that it's like a fresh start. (now you get to see the sick inter workings of my mind!). I was in the habbit of over eating at every meal. That was squashed in a heartbeat. I also was in the habbit of snacking in between meals. How can you tell one meal apart from the other if you're constantly eating anyway? Food fest 09 has officially ended. The only problem is that after resetting it takes a lot of work to keep it there.

I over ate last night. And partially for lunch. Ugh. Because the food I had was so dang good! What was it? Seafood fondue. Brie, heavy creawm, crab meat, shrimp, butter, shallots. If you're mouth isn't watering then you hate dairy. Or shellfish. Or you're sick and wrong ;) Just kidding. But, why is it that I can't crave salad like this?

I think I just told a lie. But, I didn't realize it so I told a fooling myself story? There are three salads that are pretty darn good! But, it's rare, and one involves bacon dressing, one has french and ranch dressing mixed, and the other is an oriental one with sugar in the dressing. *sigh*

ANYWHO! So, back from ADHD land to the fondue. It's almost gone (I'll make my average sized hubby eat it!). And, I'll be continuing the stopping eating when I'm comfortable. Whoah, hold on, what? Yes, being sick made me discover what it was like to not be gorged full. Not bad :) I feel empowered. In a *sick* sort of way.

BTW, how "sick" is it that I'm getting better after having food poisoning? Weird, but hey...at least something, anything, good came out of being that ill!

Oh, and my friend finally called me yesterday. Life is good. Worry wart for nothing.

Sickness and bread, not together

I have been sick. Sick to my stomache...literally :( Don't know if it was food poisoning (my guess) or a bug or an infection...and yes I went to the doc. He took blood to make sure I was not having pancreatitis or apendicitis. Nope. Just couldn't hold anything in...in any way you look at it. Ick. To top it off, my very good friends got married yesterday and we weren't able to go because I was sick. Suckaroo. Very good friends as in we were at one point scheduled to be a bridesmaid and groomsman. (long story as to why we had decided not to). I can only hope they understand. *sigh* Who'd rather be stuck in bed all day and praying to porcelin gods than go see their best friends get married. Can you tell I feel guilty? How I could have forseen or prevented it I have no idea. But, somehow a 6-7 hour car ride doing unmentionable things seemed like a bad plan.

On a lighter note: I did make the bread before said sickness happened. It's good! 7 hours from start to finish, but still was eatible and that's what it's all about! And I have pics :) It's a whole wheat sour dough bread. Not bad for whole wheat!

See..I even took the pic with a bite out of a piece to show it is eatible! lol. Really, I just forgot to take one pre bite.
The white is flour. Next time it will be prettier :)

update...yes, I have nothing more creative than to call this update :)

I got sucked into facebook and now my blog reading is falling to wayside along with my blog posting! Dang facebook. grrr. so addictive.

Good news is that I've been eating healthier. Ok, it's just been since today, but it is a start! I saw another photo of myself and was freaked. Besides that the pants I'm wearing in my profile photo here (the ones I was freaking out about not looking good in) are not wearable as they are tight. Besides all the other reasons I want to get healthier. Organic food doesn't do good if you indulge all the time in processed fast foods with more fat grams that I can count!

Why does it have to be so difficult? Regardless, I need to sart now. So that I have time to do all the things I want to in life!

Randomness. I'm starting to bake my own bread. I'm turning domestic. It barely preceeded the want of little people (aka children) in the house. Oh, you dang biological clock...what are you doing to me?!? But, this means I have natural bread where I know what ingredients are in it. Now I just need to have a sucessful loaf (1 didn't rise enough and the other one tasted funky) and life will be great :)

Happy bloggaversary to the happy runner!

The happy runner has just turned 1!!! Go there, congratulate felice on her bloggaversary! Comment and get a chance for free stuff.

http://thehappyrunner.blogspot.com/

The wee hours random post

I'm here early. At work before 6 to prepare for a meeting this afternoon that I'm not ready for. It was re-scheduled late last night (while I was sleeping). I was annoyed for about 2 seconds. Leaving my puppy and hubby at 5:30 is never a smiling event...especially with the puppy eyes when she realizes I'm leaving.s OH, the puppy eyes. The puppy eyes could break a heart in two!! But, you know what this means? I have until Friday to prepare! Overcoming procrastination is something they should give lessons on, but I'm afraid it'd consist of "do it now" and not much else. lol.

Speaking of procrastination, it also means that I couldn't go for a walk today. I actually didn't go last week either. The puppy was visiting mimi and papa (the MIL & FIL). It's weird, I actually used her for motivation . I didn't have a backup. I was just going to wing it. I just hadn't counted on being lost about it without her. Listen to me...lost without my dog. lol. What has happened to me. Surrogate kid? Me thinks so. Lesson #2 for the week...CONTINGENCY PLANS!!!

I did overcome the procrastination about the tofu. I tried it! If you can get around the mushiness, it's not terrible. It's actually not bad. FYI...eat it IN something. Salad. Rice dish. Something. Plain is not the way to go when you first start. Unless you're brave. Or weird.

Offspring

I don't recommend that you use the deoderant trick for heavy working out. Just an fyi...please don't blame me if you hurt because you try it! I've only done it for things that aren't strenuous.

I'm trying the tofu tomorrow. Can't avoid it any longer! lol. It will be fabulous. If it isn't though, I we have an oriental salad with the parts already made up and so it will be quick and easy to put together. So, I already have good things in place!
-------------------------------
I'm going personal again, so bear with me. Just need to work it all out.

It’s happening. My body is betraying me!!! We've talked about not having children from day one. We’ve discussed it at length. When will it happen? There’s no optimal time. I will be 32 (best case scenario) when I get a job. Then starting my career. Then getting financially stable. Then I’m at the age, after all that, that either I can’t have kids or the chances of downs syndrome increase dramatically.

Regardless, I just about started crying yesterday at the thought of having a child. I let myself entertain the idea of having kids (my hubby said my body would do this and I’d want one, so we should think about it. lol. Such a romantic). Now? My SIL is trying. And, the thought of having one caught my heart in my throat. I wanted it so bad. If only for a moment, my heart was breaking that we aren't pregnant. Darn him for putting this into my head! I swear I didn't really realize it was something I wanted!

Now's not a good time, but I will be done with school in one year. One short, albeight stressful, year. That's it. I'll be a grown up... on the outside at least! (btw: yes, I realize I have been grown up age wise for a while, but let's just let me be in denial :)

One year and we can think about having a baby. Yes, I'll be starting my career, but what if it's something we want in a year? What if we decide it is for us once we move?

But, I’ll be damned if I bring a mini-me into this world with known issues. Especially my food issues. *sigh* I want to have a healthy pregnancy. I want to be healthy, I don't want to pass on these bad habbits. It’s something to work for. If I want to have a baby anytime in my life, I need to change things. The time is now.

What’s a girl to do when her concept of herself changes in a month?

Rubbing

Bawk....Bawk Bawk bawk bawgack!! (or however a chicken sounds). lol. I'm a big chicken. I haven't tried the tofu yet. I will try it Monday. Really. And, I'll promise to update so I'll actually do it! But, I will also have a backup in case I hate it. Food experimenting makes me a little nervous!

So, I have a topic that I wanted to talk about. It's something no one likes to discuss, but one I don't want anyone else to worry about again.
Rubbing. Specifically, the thighs rubbing together. I have jeans that I've had to throw away due to wearing out between the thighs. It's embarassing, and something I never wanted to talk about. What's worse? Thighs rubbing while wearing a skirt.

Even if you are not a great amount over weight, if you aren’t a stick figure you’ve probably encountered this. Now, maybe you don’t think about it much. But, when it’s gawd aweful hot there’s issues. Like that the best way to not be sweating your everything off is to wear shorts (so not going to happen, but that’s for another post) or wear a skirt.
But, when you sweat things rub together in not so comforting ways. After a while, the thighs evern get chapped, red and sore. And, what’s up with the itchiness? So not fair.

So, I have stayed away from skirts for the last decade. But, why can't I be girlie too? Then I found a tip from the movie Juno to relieve the problem and be able to wear skirts again. Yes, movies can teach you good things, not only what not to do. I put deoderant on my thighs and no more major problems! (teenage boy does it so that he can run.)

So, if you are having a problem with the thighs chaffing, but want to wear skirts, there is your solution. Cheap, easy, relieving! Deoderant. Who knew? :)

Tofu - HELP!!

Bought the firm tofu, but haven't had it before (it's an experiment). Do any of you have favorite recipies that taste great so that a omnivore can slowly ease into less meat? If not, I will find a good recipie, but I'm hoping to not make myself gag the first time I try it and forever more hate tofu. (tmi, yeah, I'm all about keeping it real) I'm trying new healthy foods every week and hoping I'll like them!

short and sweet

Busy, busy, busy. I will have limited posting for the next week. Maybe only on Wednesday. I am doing ok. Need to work on exercise a bit more, and am trying to go as organic as possible (which also helps with the eating better issue).
One shower down, 2 weddings, a class to teach every day and exams to go :)

How are you guys? I check into your blogs (if you've posted), but some don't update as fast!

Teaching

I'm having problems replying to people that comment, so I will do so here! Yes, I am teaching a course. There's only 12 people though, so I kind of lucked out there. I've taught classes that were 30+ in the summer before. THAT is always fun! But, I'm teaching a child development course this summer. 4 weeks of super busy fun :) I do love it, just will be exhausted come July. Then I have a month more to study for my big exams. Whew. I'm wiped just thinking about it :)

Oh, and I'm going to a wedding, not a weeding! lol. Have no idea what a weeding is, but probably not as fun as a wedding! I sometimes just write things straight into blogger. In fact, most of the time that's what happens (epitome of lazy! lol).
If you're confused, read the last post

Chuggin

Chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga- CHOOCHOO. That's all I have :) Just chuggin along. Have a wedding shower and bachelorette party on Saturday, a weeding the next week, then another wedding two weeks later. Oh, yeah, the bachelorette party and 2nd wedding I'm standing in. Fun times, but if I don't pig out every second it'll be a miracle! OH, besides studying and teaching a course. Life. It happens I guess!

Discussions with others

I got to thinking the other day (through someone else’s post…I told you I was an idea stealer!) about compliments or talking about weight loss issues. There are people that love to talk about it. Why not? It can be a very big accomplishment and something to be proud of. Me? It feels like weight loss is the most important part to other people, yet only one of many issues I have. I hate to talk about even exercising or food issues at all with other people in face to face life. Sometimes even my face to face friends. It just feels like a really personal thing and something very private.

Is that bad? Is it bad that I don’t like talking about it? That it makes me uncomfortable? The reason I ask is that as I type this I was thinking about why I don’t want to talk about it. I am a private person somewhat. But, with close friends I am usually free to talk about a lot of issues that would make most blush. I can talk about sex, bodily functions, etc. Nothing is really off limits, besides specifics about me and my hubby doing the deed. But this? This is too private for me to talk about to most people. Maybe it’s the shame. Maybe it’s that then I have to admit to other people that I have an eating disorder (compulsive eating…with a few times of purging as well…don’t worry, it hasn’t been for a little while). Maybe it’s the shame or fear of persecution. Why would I feel this way?
I’m proud of the changes I’m making. Regardless, there is only one face to face person that I really talk to about this. Only because she’s going through the same issues. I have no desire to talk to anyone else. It’s an invasion that I just don’t want to deal with right now.

So, what do you think. Can we really get over these issues if we’re closed off to talking about it in our day to day lives (away from the online)? Should (there’s that evil word again!) I want to talk about it with folks other than y’all? What do you guys say about healthy living with face to face contacts?

CRAZZZZZY thoughts

I found out why my back hurt. On my own (subborn, anyone?). The way I walk for sure. I walk with my feet out like a duck. It feels the most natural for my hips and knees (my legs aren't straight). Not so good for my back after a long time. This walk wasn't near as bad once I changed to walking with my toes facing forward. Felt weird as, well, as weird can be. But, at least I'm not experiencing the ever so lovely pain in the back. How do you overcome 31 years of walking the way that you do? I guess one walk at a time.

It's funny that the prior post is about my beloved music while I walk. Why? Because, I got all geared up (ok, just work out clothes and shoes, but it was an effort!) this morning only to realize my iPod was not charged. Hubby and I are trying a new no tv in bed thing, so we used the iPod. And left it on over night I'm assuming. Otherwise gremlins broke into our house to rock out to my iPod in the middle of the night. I hope they love the dixie chicks, motely crue, and bethoven.

So, what was I to do? As I saw it there were 3 optiosn. Steal the hubby's iPod (if I only knew where that was!). The other two: take the gear off and not go and watch tv like a lazy bum, or go for the walk anyway and be left to my thoughts. I didn't have the heart to tell my very exicted dog (she knows the shoes, stupid classical conditioning) that her momma was going to deny her of one of her favorite activities because she couldn't (scratch that...didn't want to be is more appropriate) left alone with her thoughts. So, I braved my thoughs and potential boredome and left the house for a walk.
Outcome? Not so bad. It's easier to keep a steady pace when you're not relying on songs to keep it going. Especially given that I haven't made a playlist for exercising yet (I know...my laziness knows no bounds). And, I wasn't as bored as I thought I would be. I did the entire route and didn't even cut corners. YAY ME!!

Will I continue the trend? Probably not. More than likely I will obsessively check every night to make sure it is charged up! But at least I know I can be left alone with my crazy thoughts now. Which include writing this post in my head, "singing" a song over and over and over and over (yes, the same song...ugh, but I switched to a better one 1/2 way through to get the 1st one out of my head), thinking about random conversations I had the day before, etc. But, they're mine so why not indulge them :)

exercise as meditation

Thanks for all the great advice, tips and encouragement with my last post! The pain is a sciatic pain. I used to have trouble with it when I was waitressing (using only one side for heavy lifting of trays and plates = pain!). The docotor says the x-ray shows nothing. My chiropractor told me that my hips are not centered with my spine. Who knows. All I know is that when I jogg it goes away or is not so bad. I should press it more, but I'm tired of going to the doctor and them not doing anything for me. Compacency is always the best solution, right? hah

On a different topic:
I was watching Bride Wars the other day. As an aside, I promise not to spoil it. But, really, if you haven’t seen it then do it! If you’re a girl (or have known girls!), it is perfect. Funny, sad, outrageous, but it fits us or how we can be or at least feel sometimes to a T.

Anyway, related to this blog: there is a scene (early on…promise!) where Kate Hudson’s character asks why they can’t power walk/jog/run with iPods. Anne Hathaway’s character says to that: “iPods are for people that can’t be left alone with their thoughts.”

Most of the people I know use iPods to make exercising enjoyable. Is it true? Are we all just people who can’t be left alone to their thoughts? I don’t know that I agree. At least agree whole heartedly. While I do feel that way sometimes (that and my anxiety will be left to a different post), I don’t think it’s so bad to lose yourself in exercise.

Sometimes walking/jogging/running is good for sorting out your thoughts. But, if you’re like me, sometimes you need to escape them as well. I worry all the time. I like exercise being a break from that. My iPod and my music helps that. It helps me lose all the stupid worries and just feel peaceful. It usually helps to distract me somewhat from everyday life. And, it helps to not make a big deal out of things.
So, while I think sometimes I do things to not be left alone to my thoughts, I’m not sure that using an iPod is related to that. Besides, if I had a buddy to chat with why would I use an iPod. Isn't having a buddy the same thing?

What do you thing about this? Agree with the movie? Disagree? Do any of you go sans music or tv while exercising? What music do you like to exercise to? Any favorites?

Pain in the....back!

The weekend was good for the most part. Eating...we're not discussing that! But, exercise is going well. I've been fast paced walking for about 30-40 minutes 5 days a week. Let me tell you, the doggie is loving it! My back? Not so much. But, I've discovered something weird...if I walk for a long time my back hurts like crazy. If I jogg periodically through the time (@ 1 minute bursts) then it starts to feel better again. I've never heard of this...do you think it's my posture (as I straighten my slouched back! lol), or maybe the way I walk? I'm starting to think so...why else would jogging releave it?

HMMM...I have some inernet scouring to do! Er, after I work. Yes, after work!

Healthy snacks and sweet tooth fixes

I think Mama bear June was right on her comment for my last post. I think I am having more calories than I realized and making more allowences. I am doing better about over eating, but not all of it is good foods. It's just so difficult.



And, Crazy Lady is my kind of girl. I love sweets that don't involve chocolate (most of the time anyway), and her idea about eating fruit with peanutbutter is genious in my book. So simple, and yet would totally hit the spot. I have this new problem with sweet tooth fixes. Plain fruit cuts it most of the time, but not all...as evidence of the ice cream in my freezer! Dang the hubby for turning me onto sweets. Doesn't help being a girl and all (you know what I'm talking about).


As far as the rest of my eating habbits: I won't be following a diet or a plan. They mess my head up more than they help. My main goal is to eat better, but be "normal" about food as well. Don't get me wrong, weight loss would be a great side effect, but just a side effect. I'm getting there, I just need a little time and maybe help!

What do you do for healthy fixes? What snacks do you feel like you just can't get enough of? I know I need to find my own, but until then I'll steal some of yours :) I know I've heard you say it time and time again on your blogs, but I'd like to hear them again!

Allowences. Again.

To clarify...if I were a stay at home mom, like a lot of you ladies, I would probably be as exhausted as I am when I'm in the midst of a semester. I have all the respect for parents, especially ones that stay at home with their kids. It's more than a full time job in and of itself. A stay at home wife with no kids to take care of = boring. Yes, I could clean my house, but what fun would that be? :) Besides, I do have work to do it's just that I'm going stir crazy being cooped inside. We go for walks to help, and go see friends once in a while, but it's just really a different environment than what I'm used to. Imagine what'll happen when I retire. lol.

I feel like I'm struggling with the same things food wise. 1 year of posting, many years of worrying about this and I'm at the same place. The issue is that I can't be good all the time, but I have troubles finding balance. How do you let yourself have yummy yet bad for you foods and leave it at that? How often do you have them? Once a week have a fast food cheeseburger? Quit the whining and have none? I have a problem with limits and allowences. I am usually an all or nothing type of person, so this you can have treats in moderation.

For now, though, I'm going to keep working on eating when I'm hungry and trying to eat a little better. I've already incorporated a lot more healthy food into my diet (as in food intake not on a "diet") and leave the worrying for another day! Let's just focus on one step at a time. Like Bill Mury in What About Bob...Baby steps :)

HYC

I am in a funk. Not a funk in life per say, but with the blog. I have ideas about what to write about, but most of them stem off of other people's posts and really enough was said on their ends. I just have nothing much going on. I guess that's a good thing, right?
You see, I'm on "break" until the end of May. Instead of doing things (which cost $$), I've been staying at home a lot. A.LOT. I don't know how house wives and husbands do it. I would go insane. A week and a half and I already am going stir crazy. I'm looking forward to working again. Well, I always need to be working, but I mean going to school instead of working at home.

I've been doing well on the HYC stuff. I've been trying to journal and let go of feelings. I also started walking (speeded) about 1/2 hour every day and taking small walks or bike rides with the hubby. Also, trying to get a grip on compulsive eating. I'm not exactly eating as healthy as I could (although my snacks are typically grapes or oranges, which is way better than usual) and I am eating more than necessary. But, I'm doing and feeling a lot better than in the past. I just need to keep chugging.

Mother's Day Weekend

This is my 2nd mothers day without my mom. I miss her in more ways than I can express in person, much less typing to you. But, it makes me appreciate all you moms so much more. I hope you realize what you mean to your daughters and sons. How much you shape them into who they will be. And, regardless of your struggles together, if they're anything like me they will be proud to grow up to be just like you. It's an honor. Just like I hope you are feel towards your moms (and dads, but that's for a different month :). I hope everyone had as wonderful of a mom as I did.

So, here's to you Blogger moms. I hope this weekend is a relaxing, relatively stress free, and a wonderful one. I hope you take some time for you this weekend - to appreciate all that you do! After all, you can't do your job well (as a mom) until you take care of yourself!

Study time

Stressors, stressors, where are my stressors. Oh, wait, yes…I found it. But, today one stressor just became more manageable. All by what should have been humiliation. I have exams coming up. “YES, YES, we KNOW”, you say. Well, it’s all I can think about, so it’s what I will write about! After all, this is my body journey…I’m making it a well rounded body journey. :) But, that’s not the point. Back to my story.

Me and the guy I’m taking the exams with went to a little meeting with one of my professors. He wanted us both there so he could ask questions, we’d write it down, and then he’d evaluate it on the spot. See the humiliation part? Well, the big answer is that we were both not ready. Bottom line. How is that a good thing you ask? WELL, this means that we have the dates extended. We now have until August to take them. Whoot, whoot. Why didn’t I think of this before? Oh, wait, if I had I wouldn’t have been frantically studying all this time and realized what I was doing wasn’t enough. So, we now have a great plan. And, 3 more months to study for it. Yes, I am actually cheering for more studying. Sick. Sick and wrong ;)

That weight on my chest just got a ton lighter.

3 more days until the women's challenge. If you don't know what that is, then go here. And join Miz Fit's group here!

Empowerment

I am still working toward my HYC stuff, especially with my compulsive eating, bad food choices, and exercise.
The thing I want to talk about is being in my zen place (as I call it). With school, money issues (like where the heck is my money tree already?), etc. I am a little high strung. Prone to anxiety and really go a little nutzo when things pop up like the exams coming up that are 1/2 of determining if I get my PhD. But, with it all I find myself not sleeping well and being a general bit**. Something needed to change. So, a couple of weeks ago I decided that enough was enough. I need to destress and keep things in perspective. If you've been following my progress then you've heard me talk about it here and there. I just woke up one morning and decided that the stress was never going to go away (after all, I want to be a professor when I grow up so this stress will ALWAYS be here). So, I'm making a conscious decision to change things.

Well, yesterday I was talking with one of my professors and he mentioned that I "look really healthy", and asked what changed. It's sad that I let all the stress get to me that much, but what good feedback that I'm doing things right. I didn't realize how much I let things get to me. I only hope my students didn't feel it. But, the only thing I am focusing on now is that I'm going in the right direction. Empowerment feels good!

rewards

I'm still here, just been working, working, working. I'm freaking out because my exams are at the end of May and there's just not enough time to study that much! AGH.

On a different note, I decided that I want to put myself on a reward system for working out. LIke, I get $1 for every half hour I work out. Then, I can use the money to buy clothes or purses or something. We are on a limited budget, otherwise it'd totally be more. Like wouldn't it be nice to work out every day for a month and buy a large ipod? :) Can't happen, but I can do this.

The only issue is that I'm afraid that external motivation ruins internal ones. Like the studies where they paid kids to play the piano, and as soon as they did that the kids didn't want to do it anymore. What do you think? Yes, I realize I'm like a little kid at times :) But, what do you think about adult rewards for things like that? (really, it was mostly an excuse for me and for my hubby to let me get clothes once in a while, but I figured I could use any help in the exercies department that I could get!) But, do you think I'm messing it all up??

Friends

Thanks for the replies about my venting post (or reading it if you didn't post!). My plan is not (and was never) to cut this person out of my life (she's a really great friend in many other ways)...may plan is to steer conversations either away from the negativity or help her with solutions only. I have "friends" that are best left not friends but she's a great person in every other way.

I'm still having a problem with the sweets. What problem? Like I didn't think of the alternatives I wanted to have like I said I would. Oh, and then there's the fun fact that it was the hubby's birthday Saturday, so we had a get together with 6 of his closest friends. Chips and dip, hot dogs and cake. Oh, the cake. I made it, and it was delicious if I do say so :) But, dang if we didn't have one healthy thing there. So, I'm renewing my goal. No more cake (even though my b-day is tomorrow). No more sugary stuff. I will have smoothies and apple sauce and stuff like that if it's the only thing I do this week.

To vent or not to vent

I've been thinking about the people I surround myself with a lot lately, especially since Costa Rica. I don't need people in my life that make me feel bad. I refuse to have that in my life. But, what am I doing to help this (besides not talking to the crappy people). I stumbled on a post linked by the lovely MizFit. It really hit home.

My MIL has a group of women she gets together with. (you'll see the link in a minute) They asked one of them to leave because she was seperating from her hubby and she was venting (ok, probably trashing him) and they didn't want the negativity around them. They said the negatively was infectious and they didn't want it to influence their relationships with their husbands. I thought this was so harsh when I first heard about it. What else are girlfriends there for, but to hear you when you're down. To be there for you and listen to your problems.

But, as I've gotten older I've noticed a pattern about venting. It does spread. And, it turns everything negative (at least for me) for a while. While venting can be good, it's taking it to an extreme. And, at least for me, it doesn't make me feel better. You know wat does? Writing in my journal,and then getting over with it!

How many times in your life have you heard about what a jerk someone's ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife was? What about when they ask you (or insist) for your opinion? You give it. Then they're back together with the person. It almost always creates a divide. I've had this happen a couple of times with really, really good friends. Never again.

What's been happening lately with one of my best friends is that we talk about our men. They have similar issues, so it was funny to laugh about it all when we met. Then, the laughing turned to venting. The thing is, every time she "vents", I feel the need to chime in and relate to her situation. It really creates negativity all around and it's harder to be happy with him afterwards, when I was just perfectly happy with him before the conversation. I'm sure the same thing happens with her when I vent too.

So, in addition to cutting back on sweets after dinner, I am also resolving to make my life more positive in other ways. Try to be happier, more pleasant, etc. Making a list of things I'm grateful for or having my inspiration board with things that remind me to be positive and make me happy. Most importantly, to stop myself when I feel the need to agree (when someone else vents about their people) or when I feel myself starting to vent. Finally, journal when things are down so that I can recharge. Funny how when I vent on paper I alwas turn myself around, but don't when I'm with others.

Eggs

I'm not doing the greatest with the no sweets after dinner thing. My friend brought over cup cakes. That's ok, cause I did it to her the other day. I should be able to just say no, right? Well, I'm going to get rid of them and stick to smoothies and unsweetened apple sauce. Maybe some dark chocolate, because antioxidents can't be bad, right? :)

Now, maybe this is a moot point, given that I eat worse foods than this, but I totally don't *get* why people are down with eggs. I understand that they need to be cooked properly. I understand that there is cholesterol. But, I had been under the impression that researchers and doctors think they're good for you, or at least that with moderation (and if you don't have cholesteral problems already) that the good out weight the bad. Apparently, not for everybody. I want to know why! Why are they so bad. Why are they not natural. What's the big deal? If you know or know where to point me to, I would love an answer.

Why is this a moot point? Because I'm trying to give things up like cupcakes and pizza. I think that given my current diet, it's a better alternative. But, I would love to know....why all the arguing and conflicting information?

Happy Monday

Yes, I actually said "happy monday". Feeling like Felicia right now ;) Mondays are usually dreaded days. I think it's the lack of internet. I may cave soon. Must.have.internet. Like a junky. lol.

I went walking/jogging this weekend. I got to thinking about Tom's post about his diabetes. How he was exercising for donuts (or some other bad food) before he was diagnosed. It was a really moving post (along with the one on MizFit's site), so go read it if you haven't already. But, the exercising to burn off calories for bad foods...that's me. It's scary. People do it all the time. Why really change before something goes wrong. Well, I'd like to change before I have something serious like diabetes to deal with. So, I'll continue working on these things.

What's my next thing I'm working on for the week? Cutting out desert. I've been eating sweets every night (or more). Weird for me, but it's been pretty consistant lately. It's high time to get rid of those and replace it with healthier stuff like fruit.

It's raining and pouring!

We had a weird storm yesterday. I'm from the north...I can handle a lot of weird weather situations. Blizzards, snow (and lots of it), ice, rain, etc. What I have never have really had is hail. Until yesterday. It wasn't large (so I'm told by my TX native hubby), but wow. I was driving home...and thought it was going to crack the windshield. Or go through the roof. Ok, maybe I'm a little over dramatic, but it was LOUD. And, it was only 2" balls of frozen masses falling from the sky. What would the golfball or softball sized ones feel like? I hope I never find out!

Internet

I almost caved. I almost kept my internet. But, thankfully the (*&%$*%) company likes to charge a ton for each item when it's seperate, so I don't have internet at home. Last night and today: talk about weird. I was SURE that I'd have a ton of urgent emails that made me regret ever getting rid of it. Truth? Mostly junk or joke emails. Nothing pressing. No student emergencies. No advisor "you need to read this and get back to me in the next hour" emails. Life was just fine. What is that you say? The world doesn't revolve around me? Whatever! ;) Sheesh, I guess it doesn't!

Keep in mind that I said no inernet at home. There's still school (students and faculty get free inernet), so I will be able to write (like now?!) and check in on y'all. It just will be weekdays am instead of obsessively all day long. And, I'm less likely to procrastinate when I'm working at work. So, life will be great...just hopefully more productive.

Blogaversarry

Happy blogaversary to me!
My blog-annaversary is here. It has been an exciting year, with ups and downs of course. As I started to say in the last post, what I have gained the most are all of you. You provide more support and encouragement than I ever hoped to gain. Thank you for you're support. Really, it means everything. I can't possibly predict what the future holds, but I'm looking forward to the next year!

I have a big change happening today. We're getting rid of our home cable and internet. I know. Crazy, crazy talk. It's for financial reasons, but really I think it'll be a great thing for us both. I can get more work done, stop procrastinating with the internet and cable, start doing things that I really want to do but figure I don't have time. If I was honest with myself, I'd say that we watch tv at least 8 hours of the day. INSANE. If not more. And, there is never a time that I'm awake where I don't have the tv on. It's a constant. I do things here and there (like blog, or check my email obsessively. Sometimes work on my lecture), but not as much as I should. Not as much as I need to if I want to have my PhD any time soon. Or at all. It's too easy to veg in front of the tv and forget everything. Well, it won't be as easy any more.

Now, we do have more movies than I care to admitt. You'd be more than shocked. But, for me, movies don't hold the same magick.

So, that's me. I will probably continue with the sparse posting. I plan to keep it up...it's just that hopefully I'll be doing more and dreaming about doing more less often.

Birthdays

Wow. I had no idea that I have had this blog for almost a year now. Doesn't seem like it. Crazy stuff. I keep reading about blogaversaries and monumental posting amounts...meanwhile ignoring my own. I never was into birthdays and anniversaries anyway. I like to try to focus on everyday.

I can't believe it's Thursday already. Make that, can't blelieve it's April or 2009. Where does the time go? I remember a summer feeling blisfully like forever. I remember being 9 and feeling like I'd never make it to 10. Now? It all passes in a blink of an eye. Now I'm 30 and wondering where the past year went. lol. I'll be 31 later this month. Wowsers. 31. When I started this blog, I was in my 20's (although, only for a moment as I turned 30 a week and half after that).

I'm a little sad. Sad that I'm still struggling with the same issues. That I haven't resolved much of anything, except to focus on it more. But, not much has seemed to change. Yet, maybe it has.

Natalia brought up a good point about not respecting the ones closest to you...including yourself. It's a good lesson to face and realize. I love what she says at the end. Be kind! Be loving! Be patient! I think that may be what my big lesson has been. That I need to be kind, loving and patient with myself. It's something I'm still struggling with, but one I'm getting a grasp on.

And, I've discovered a lot about what doesn't work for me. Like dieting and weighing myself all the time. But, that doesn't mean that I can sit around and be healthy. I need to work on things, but in a "sane", healthy way. Hmm. Maybe I can get older I and wiser? Just a little? :)

----------------------------------------------------

I was going to save something like this for my actual bloggaversary post, but I just realized (thanks Tom!) that I should have stated it here. The one best thing I've gained from this blog is the support of you all! I will leave the rest of the gratitude statement for next week, but realize that I appreciate your support more than you know!

Give away link

FYI...Felice over at The Happy Runner is having a give away for her 2ooth post! The give away is 5 products from Rudi's Organic Bakery. I've never tried their products, but they look really good. Oh, wait, I want to win. Never mind...they're yucky! ;)

Congrats Felice!

Weekend update

Here's the weekend update, although probably not near as entertaining as snl :)

I am so proud of myself. Caffeine is down. I'm this close to switching to only decaf. That will be tomorrow. Water consumption is way up. I did great on this goal. And, let me tell you. It's harder than it sounds. I never realized it would be a conscious effort every day. It's getting easier though.

My newest goal is to eat more poultry and fish. My first part of this, for an operational definition of what I'll actually acomplish this week, will be to cut out hot dogs, brats, etc. Anything super processed like that. But, I've already started on minimal red meat. I'd like to get where I'm minimal on all meats, but that's unlikely. I'd love to become a vegetarian, but if it happens it'll get there slowly. Very slowly.

Feeling fat

This is the problem with being overweight. It's so difficult to feel normal and good about yourself. It's difficult to pull out of the funk and to not drown sorrows in donuts or french fries or the double fudge chocolate swirl ice cream (not my thing, but hey...I thought the rest of you could relate!). I know other people hear about emotional eating or feeling bad about yourself, but they really don't know what it's like. Well, this post that I stumbled upon really summs it up. If you're having a good day, then read it another time. It's kind of a bummer, but it puts things very bluntly and real.

Now, I'm not saying that I agree with the author all of the time. Or even most of the time. But some of the time? Yes. Yes I have. It's something I'm working on...and I think it is something important to come to terms with and deal with before ever becoming healthy.

coffee and eggs

I'm drinking my half calf, eating my eggs and cheese, feeling good. I'm good in the am. What I didn't realize was how hard it'd be to not drink sodas during the day! Somewhere between a year ago and now I became a secret (from me even) soda junky! I'm aware now! So, I'm going to rock the half calf in the am (and water the rest of the day) for a few days until I'll move to decaf only.

Food, food and more food!

I've been thinking of what Dr. J had to say about listening to your body. That you need to cut out sugar and all the bad stuff...you can't just magically expect it to happen. I think he has a good point. And, that's probably something I didn't emphasize. This is where my plans diverge from the intuitive eating plans I've heard about (disclaimer...never read anything else about intuitive eating besides what I hear from y'all. Not saying it doesn't work. Just never tried).

It's not that I'm saying that I'll eat whatever I want and expect to eat better. What I'm trying is eating the "better", cleaner, healthier foods and seeing how I feel and what my body craves. I know that after trying it out that it's what my body will want. I just need to rely on it and trust it. How does this sound different from a "diet" or a food plan, I'm leaving myself open so that I don't feel like I'm denying myself of things. If I want pasta, I'm going to have it. No ifs, ands or butts about it. If I want "bad" foods, I'll have them. But, I'm trying to make a conscious effort to chose things that are good for me and really seeing what happens to my body as I do them. It's an experimental approach...really paying attention to how you feel before and after eating. No zoning out.

It's going to sound dumb to some people, but the thing I'd have the hardest time giving up that I know I really need to is coffee in the am. Afternoon sodas too. I've done it before - loved it - but I have an easier time getting the work done that needs to be done when I have the bad legal drug. What I don't like are the heart palpitations that come with it.

So, my first goal this week is to have less caffeine. It's not that I have that much, but the am one really gets me going. I will also plan to eat more fish and chicken, less red meats and definitely less processed meats (i.e., hot dogs and brats). But, the caffeine is the focus of the week.

Snow, part 2.

Visit day was good. Even though it wasn't snowing a lot, it was windy (we get up to 40-50 mph winds with our windy days) and cold (I believe 30's).

I've never used video here, so if it works it'll be a miracle! lol. But, here is an idea of the snow fall. My hubby is trying our baby girl (aka dog) to go potty. The wnow is gone now...that's the joy of TX.
Forgive the shaky camera work...my hubby was using our camera, not the video camera.

You would never guess that she was born, bred and raised as a TX girl. She sure loves the snow! Maybe it's her German roots? ;)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Yes, I know I live in TX, but where I live it does snow here. It's not common, but one year we even had about 4 inches on the ground. Never mind that it cleared up the next day, but we still got it. The funny thing is that we havent had snow all year. That is, until today. Now, it's not bad (I'd show pictures, but my camera is at home and I won't be home until @ 9 tonight), but it just so happens to coincide with people visiting to join our graduate program. The one full day they're here and it's cold and snowing for the first time this season. I think it's supposed to go back to 70-80's Sunday. Go figure. It's the curse of visit day.

Diets

I have been trying to do more intuitive eating and less dieting. I don't think I do well on diets (well, I don't think anyone does, but I really don't). I just begin obsessing about food and being a little, well, crazy. I constantly focus on the foods I'm not "supposed" to have. All.the.friggin.time. Exhausting.

But, I'm finding it hard to intuitively eat too. It's not the intuitive eating program, but it sounds similar in the most important ways. I'm supposed to be relying on myself and listening to my body. Problem? My mind is saying "screw eating healthy, let's eat ice cream!!" And, french fries. And, all the things my body is not craving but my mind is. It's also difficult to try and slow down and take things one step at a time when you have a lot of weight to lose. And, when you're not happy with your body. I go between eating for comfort instead of nutrition and panicking about being too over weight.

It all makes me tempted to diet again. It seems easier. After all, the intuitive type of eating inevidably forces me to come to terms with my emotions and stop hiding them with food. It's much easier to ignore the problems. Except, nothing really gets solved. And, it never works in the long term.

So, I will stick to trying to the trust my body. I just need to give it a chance to tell me what it needs.

HYC update

I've been back a day. Costa rica was gorgeous. I would go back in a heartbeat, but I think our next big trip will be a cruise or to Brazil. My SIL is marrying a Brazilian and I'm so excited for her. She offered to go with us either on a cruise or to see Brazil, but not for a little while. It'd be nice to see the country from an insider's point of view.
But, I'm warning you out there - you don't know a person until you live or travel with them. A good friend of mine is no longer a friend because of this trip and it's too bad. But, life is too short to waste time with people that try to make you feel bad all the time. Why is it that when people are miserable they try to make you feel that way? I guess I'll never really know, but at least I can work to make my life more peaceful and less polluted.

In other news (and, yes, to change the subject)...we borrowed his parents food dehydrator!! I'm so excited, as you can tell by all the !!! :) They gave us a dehydrator cookbook, so we're going to try out a few things - I love banana chips and of course home made beef jerky. Yummy. But, do any of you still use one? What do you like to make with it? I think they went out of fashion a while ago, but I don't care. It's another way to have heathier options.

Vacation

Hola! I am in the gorgeous country of Costa Rica!! It's been just wonderful. I am sick of course (bad cough and congestion), but really...how bad can it be in Costa Rica!

We are here with my dad, his girlfriend, my best cousin friend and her husband. They went on trips yesterday and today. Me and the hubby have just been taking it easy (being sick and poor college students...you know how it is!). Enjoying the ocean, ocean views (the above is from our balcony)and getting rest for the body and soul...that's what I'm talking about! We did find some locals to take us to a good spot for snorkling then fishing for several hours though. And, right around the resort there are "wild" iguanas

monkeys (howler...boy, are they weird sounding for such a little thing!),

a long nosed cousin of the racoon, etc.

Oh, and snorkleing around here has the most amazing fish...and even a small jelly fish..ouch!

The only thing is that everything is expensive and it's mostly American stuff. So, if you come to Playa Hermosa, Playa de Cocoa or Playa Panama anytime soon be aware that you have to look for culture. I guess that's true of any vacation spot, right?

Anyway, ifI have your address, I'll try to send out a post card soon so look out for that in the next couple weeks!

Take care, and I hope y'all are having a great week. I miss reading everyone's posts and I'll try to catch up next week when I'm back in TX.

Hasta luego!

Costa Rica & HYC

2 days until I go to Costa Rica. Well, until I drive from TX to IL to meet my family, then go to CR on Sat.Backwards, yes, but this way we can all travel together. And, given that the place of stay is in my dad's name, it would not be good if we arrived and they didn't! We are riding to the airport in style though. I've never been in a limo, and my cousin got a limo to drive in to the airport. It's at 5:30 am...so I doubt partying like a rock star is in order. lol. I guess at least I get to experience it.


How come I've never had any students talk about Costa Rica, and out of the blue someone talks about how they saw a bridge collapse and seeing people pummet. And, no...I didn't tell them I'm going there. Ack. I'm sure we'll be ok.

Actual HYC update: things are at a standstill. I still am focusing on stopping before I'm uncomfortable.

I don't know about internet connections, so I probably won't be back until it's time to post the lovely photos. If I get some internet action going on, I'll keep you posted throughout.

Friday Update

Have you ever noticed that one crabby, crappy person can derail your good mood in a heartbeat? Maybe I'm just a little more sensative than the rest, but I just had that. Not to say that I was in a great mood, but after an encounter with a confrontational cranky person that thinks he's cooler than he is I've found myself irritated and cranky myself. Really, it's fine to say something if someone's annoying you, but to be so agressive is unnecessary. Why are people such jerks? I just got a reminder of why I don't hang out with people in the department.

Ok, enough venting.

Weekend: the hubby works all weekend except for tonight, so a couple friends are going out with us to play pool. Now, I'm terrible at it, but it's something to do and I usually have a good time with it.

We are one week away from our trip. Did I tell you guys about it? We're going to Costa Rica for spring break! How exciting, right? The wind has been out of my sails for a little while now. (probably the real reason that I let the jerk above get to me) I'm hoping that I can get recharged and find my spunk again. Being on the beach for a week should help with that!

HYC

I'm convinced that my back feeling better after jogging is due to jostling the vertebrae into place again. That or the poor posture I usually have. Or, it could be giving my feet a rest from the suckier shoes that I usually wear. Ok, maybe I don't know...lol... but I'll keep doing it as long as it feels good. The one problem I'm having lately is that it's been cooler. And, I think that's what my problem was that one day I said my lungs were on fire. So, I'm going to plan to do my videos when it's lower than 70 (I'm a big ol wussy, but hey...that's me!). I haven't been so good at doing things when it's colder - just keep waiting for it to get warmer!


It's clear after this week, and after months of struggling, that I'm not giving the healthier eating a very good shot. I don't know if I'm ready to give up my crutch. I recognize when I'm getting full, but it just seems to impossible that I can really be full with that little food. I guess I have some mind adjusting to do. So, that's my goal. To recognize when I'm comfortable (not full, full) and stop then. If I need more a short time later, I'll eat the rest of what's on my plate.

Now that I'm thinking about it..I may just take the small plate instead of a large one to "trick" myself and not feel like I have to finish the huge mound that's on the big one!

Sleep and back pain, not together!

I'm sleeping better. With meds. I'm sleeping with meds? I am taking meds to sleep better...and they're working. I finally caved again. I wish I could solve this with behavioral/natural methods, but I can't afford to be that sleep deprived. I figured that if exercising and eating better didn't help, that it was time to do something about it.

In other news, I found something intersting when I jog. My back feels better for a while (hours at least, but my inclination is days). When I walk long distances or sit at my computer (hunchback...terrible, I know) I have sciatic pain (the x rays didn't show anything though...grrr). It bothers me so much that it actually limits what I can/cannot do with my husband. But, when I jog it goes away. Can't explain it. No, it's not the shoes because the first time I jogged it was in not so good shoes and I still had the benifits. Maybe it's posture, but I doubt I suddenly straighten up when I jog. Maybe it wiggles my back into better alignment? Who knows. It's official, I'm a freak of nature! ;) I guess it's just one more motivator. The feeling better, not being a freak.

HYC

Things are looking good! I got to jogg yesterday (the 60/120's again) and my lungs didn't hurt. I think it was a combination of colder weather sunday and also that I was pushing myself a little too hard. Oops! That's ok, I know now.


I also am making progress with the normal eating stuff. It's hard to change, but one step at a time.

That's me in a nutshell. Now if I could just sleep through the night I'd consider myself doing great!

Exercise

Thanks to everyone that responded to the last post! I always thought that sore shins was more to do with doing something wrong (or there being something wrong) rather than another muscle that needs to be worked out! lol.

For the most part, I like the jogging. It's 60 second incriments and I like how I feel. However, the last time I went out I had a hard time breathing and quite jogging (still did fast walkin and biked around with the hubby), so I may have to modify this one! Listen to my body, right?!

Exercise help!

I have an exercise question for you. How do you avoid shin splints while jogging? Isn't that what you call sore shins? I heard that you change how you jog/run, but I don't know how to change!

I am have not been able to do the first day of the C25K yet - but, I'm getting there! this time I did 6 - 60 (slow jogg)/120 (walk). I figure I'm going to work my way to 8 - 60/120's thend start on the first week, which is 8 60/90's. I have all the time in the world to work my way there!

I also learned how to recover from pushing my muscles too much! Never really had to worry about it much before, and the times I did strain it too much I just hurt for a week and didn't do anything...lol. Heat and then ICE afterwards! Works wonders for strained muscles! I forgot the ice yesterday morning and couldn't bend my arm all the way yesterday :( Spent the night doing heat follwed by icing and also icy hot...almost healed today! Totally great stuff there! Just an FYI for anybody that hasn't encountered this before!

Bye Bye Scale

I put away my scale. Ok, I had my husband put it away somewhere I don't know about. Yes, we had a long road together. We talked about every day (ok, sometimes way more). That's the problem. Besides that I talk to inatimate objects, I've been too obsessed in the past with losing weight and being skinny instead of being healthier. Even though I talked the "I don't want to have heart disease, diabetes, etc." talk, I didn't walk the walk completely. I didn't do the things that would ensure that I didn't get caught up in the desperate need to be skinnier. I got caught up in a number. A number that I let signify failures and triumphs instead of relying on myself. I let it control my feelings and frustrations - let it get me into spirals that were not pretty. Yes, it's just a number, but it's so much more than that! It's a nubmer that tells the world that I'm a sucess or failure!

This doens't mean that I don't want to look better. That I wouldn't still like to go into any store and reject clothes because they don't have the right fit instead of because they are so tight that I can't fit into them. To go into any of the stores and find clothes that fit, instead of selecting stores based on if they have my size. But, I figure that it's more important to focus on what feels good and trust my instincts than to worry about a number. To eat and exercise because it makes me feel better. To get some internal motivation instead of just external, which as we know works the best!

So, for now, be gone you stupid scale. Your numbers don't have a hold on my any more! They're just numbers. I will let myself and my instincts guide me to where I want to be!

C25K update

If you think you know what a workout really is, then try jogging!

My gosh. I did the 1st day of the C25K challenge on the streets with the doggie with me. And, the hubby with us on his bike (he has asthma pretty bad, so a very slow bike ride is about all he should do). It requires that you warm up for 5 minutes, jogg for 60 seconds, walk for 90 then jog and walk for an additional 7 more times.

I made it to 5 times of the alternating between jogging and walking, then just did a brisk walk the rest of the time (total of 25 minutes if you include the warm up). Wow. This rivaled no other workout I've done. My lungs burned, I was tingling all over, exhausted. I felt great afterwards though (especially today)! It was the most intense workout I've ever done. No video could compare - even the ones where you work out for an hour. I will be doing this again :) I'm a glutton for punishment!

OH, and afterwards me and the hubby did some extras - crunches (foward and side to get the obliques), cobra push ups, shoulder work. It was fun! In a working out sort of way :D And, it was awesome to have such a great work out partner!

Plan of action part 1,752,543 & HYC challenge

I'm working on the food stuff. Stage one of the normal eating site. We'll have to talk about that later as it brings up more than I want to say now!

As far as exercising, I'm going to switch tactics. I will come back to the videos. But, I also think I'm going to re-try the two challenges that take you from wimpy, wimpy, wimpy to sexy buff (ok, to more fit, but I'll think I'm sexy buff after finishing them :)

I'm going back to the 100 push ups challenge (only I think instead of push ups I will do a modified pull up until I can gradually get to a regular pull up!) and C25K again. And, I'll give it a better go this time! Here's how it goes.

M (yesterday) W F: push up challenge
T R Sat: C25K

Here's the big reason. I need to get into shape. My doggie wants to get out. Boom. Easy decision to try this out and work out with her! I only hope my every hurting back can handle it!

Also - I will continue walking the whole 4 blocks to my building (hey, that's 8 blocks there and back..it's a push!) and I plan to take the stairs. I only have 2 flights to my office, but when you're out of shape it feels like 20! That's ok, it's the only way to improve. Plus, I end up taking the stairs a lot on T R F because of teaching and making photocopies and the length of time I'm at school!